Change, especially within our own self development work, rarely happens without us taking an honest look at our previous and subconscious behaviors and making a conscious decision and effort to alter our responses and actions going forward. In the event things get tough, we may need that extra something to hold ourselves accountable to follow through on what we ultimately want for ourselves and our lives.
[00:00:21] Aaron: Welcome back to another episode of the Wise Whys Podcast. Aaron here.
[00:00:25] Alexander: Hello everyone. Alexander here. It's so good to be with you.
[00:00:28] Aaron: And I kind of want to just take a pause for a moment and appreciate the seven years of friendship and mentorship that Alexander and I have exchanged and also the five years of recording the podcast. And of course we also spent a whole nother year in addition to that practicing and [Mm-hmm] having conversations like this and just getting comfortable in front of a microphone.
[00:00:53] So, I mentioned before we started this podcast that I don't think we really sat with that a little bit because that is a major milestone. Five years doing something every day. And so it kind of ties into the episode today because we need to hold ourselves accountable on some level to be able to have that consistency of effort being put in.
[00:01:13] Alexander: Yeah. And a beautiful part of that is the growth that you and I both have experienced. And, Aaron's profile in the Human Design just happened to fit a relationship that I was coming out of, and so I was able to extend learning about the 3/5 profile in the Human Design, with him being able to play that role and why knowing the roles that everyone around us is playing is very important. And of course, I know that I've played some roles for you as well in challenges and successes and has been a wonderful ride. I feel like it's been as good of a working environment as I could ask for. So I really appreciate everywhere where you had to flex and adjust to my ways in certain ways.
[00:01:54] And we are very different in a lot of areas, but we have enough consistencies that keep this going fairly effortlessly, and I'm very grateful to be where we are and that seven year cycle is big in this philosophy because that's a completion at a cellular level. So I look forward to seeing how the roles are gonna continue to develop and the projects and what the future holds.
[00:02:20] Aaron: Yeah, and you definitely had what I was looking for at the time, so I guess it was a perfect attraction on both ends, and you definitely helped calm my ass down. I'm not gonna bleep that out [laughter] I was a creative mess, just energy leaking everywhere and thinking that I could manifest and will everything. And I'm definitely more content in my own energy now and very intentional where I put it for the most part. And still learning, but definitely a totally different person. And I think you even mentioned earlier that it would be interesting thinking about having a conversation with myself you know, past eight years ago and how that would go.
[00:02:58] Alexander: It has been an interesting journey watching your development and growth and your understanding and application, most of all of this work, because those are two different things. And many people will discuss the concepts of these types of life changing philosophies or processes, but the longer you do it, the more you see people not practicing as much as they talk. And that can become part of today's lesson as well as part of the accountability of holding ourselves accountable and what that looks like and how to utilize those around us in a healthy way. Because again, the whole point of doing this work with other people is to lift each other up. And anytime that we're feeling like someone is tearing us down, especially if we've asked for their help or we have professed things that we want to change, or patterns we want to stop, then many times we can turn emotional on them when they try to point it out.
[00:03:58] But we're going to get into how both roles, the receiver and the giver of the information, can optimally work in both of those roles. Because in an ideal, intimate, conscious relationship, that's one of the ideal goals is to be able to do that for each other, and there is no feeling of tearing down, it's just a feeling of picking up. So I'm looking forward to getting deeper and deeper into this subject.
[00:04:23] Aaron: I will say that you'll know that you're doing the work on some level if like a month or a couple months, you look back and it feels like a couple years. That's how I've experienced it. It is probably how most people experience it if they are truly holding themselves accountable and doing the work. And I assume that for you, Alexander, it's probably not like that as much?
[00:04:43] Alexander: Oh, yes, yes after doing this work for around 26 or 27 years, I can forget, what it's like in the beginning. And you know, us doing this podcast together for so long, and you asking such excellent questions-- cause you bring me back to that remembering what it was like at the start of this. And there's so many different stages to go through.
[00:05:06] So yes, the timeframe isn't the same, but it can also seem like I've been working on a certain aspect or certain aspects forever, and that's part of this accountability too, is accepting that some of this stuff isn't to fix or to completely heal or to get rid of. It's about learning to make love with the friction and realize that certain emotions that we go through are just going to be there throughout our lives. It comes back to a management situation, and hopefully today we're gonna lighten the load when people hear "accountability" and maybe the negative stigma that's connected to that, because I really want to show the beautiful side of it.
[00:05:47] Aaron: Yeah, it does tend to lend like a masculine, energetic feeling from it, but how would you define it?
[00:05:55] Alexander: I guess I'll go into it like this-- for a long time, I really wanted to understand the concept of sin. And there's many different views of what sin means, and I'm not here to judge any of those. It was just, I heard a lot of different views, especially from the church, about what that was. And then I heard a teacher, a Sufi teacher, that merely said, "Sin is anything that takes you off your path." And so I looked at that from that perspective, and when I saw that when you make an agreement with yourself to change, to shift, to stop allowing something to automatize you, then anytime that you go back into that old pattern, you're kinda letting yourself down. So it simplified that what felt right to my soul was growth, was expansion, was truth, was love. There's certain things that just are in alignment with your soul. And when I started looking at sin in a way that, "Well, sin is anything that takes me out of this alignment." It's simplified things for me. I'm not sure if it will to our listeners out there, and I'm not necessarily projecting it to, but in my experience, that was what accountability became.
[00:07:14] And then I started seeing this picture of tribes of families, of communities, being able to lift each other up through accountability. Because many times we're all human and we just have a moment of weakness. And the slightest nudge, many times, can get someone past that hump. But not if that nudge takes somebody into self-judgment.
[00:07:40] So I think that's a roundabout way of just saying accountability is anything that you want to change or enhance about yourself. And when you are having a moment of weakness to persevere through that or after you have the weakness, to merely get yourself back on track.
[00:07:59] Aaron: I mean, it's a lot like discipline in a way. It's like the discipline part is holding you accountable. But there may be times when your discipline fails and then you may want something or someone to help hold you accountable, because that then pushes you a little more in that direction.
[00:08:16] Alexander: So, in sports many times the coach will hold the players accountable for certain things on the court, and they'll have to do like extra pushups or extra laps. So the accountability is, "If I don't get this right, then I have to pay this with energy." For some people it can be monetary. I know that families that have what's called "swear jars". When the kids are growing up, if they use a swear word, they have to put money in this jar. And those types of accountabilities can help remind us, with the discipline, that when we start to do something and recognize it, we don't follow the ease of comfort. That we think about the cost. And in this philosophy, we talk about the cost a lot. There's nothing wrong with having wants. From my point of view, it helps when you are aware of the cost of that want. And that can help you to navigate whether you really wanna move forward toward that want, or if you're not willing to pay that cost. So I think reward versus cost is a big part of accountability.
[00:09:19] Aaron: Yeah. And maybe even like emotions can come into play. We may have a moment of weakness and feel like, "Oh, I just want to sleep an extra two hours," and then either we have a way of holding ourselves accountable or somebody else, they almost know what your intentions are so they can hold you accountable in that moment where you're not seeing things clearly and they kind of know that when you're not in an emotional reaction, this is what you would want for yourself in a way. So that's how it can kind of play out in a way?
[00:09:50] Alexander: Yes, yes. In relationships, you know, it can certainly play out that way. The unfortunate thing is, many times, once somebody's emotions get activated, they forget the agreements or the requests that they made to ask for that help. And in the full conversation, we're gonna get into step by step how to make sure that when you are even beginning to make these types of agreements in, not necessarily just your intimate relationships, but even with friendships, to know that you're not always going to want to hear the so-called truth or have your weakness pointed out. And that is a part of discipline and accountability, and the other side is that this is what builds self-respect. So see, normally the people that hold themselves more accountable carry a higher level of self-respect and normally less insecurity many times. Because they are aware that they are doing their due diligence to get better at whatever they are working on. And when people are very easily triggered emotionally to self judge themselves, a lot of times they can have like holes in their discipline and so they realize that they should do better or they want to be better, but they still falter to the convenience or the ease of whatever that old pattern is. This happens to all of us. So the main thing is that I see is getting out of the self-judgment and getting out of the guilt. Cause those are two of the biggest drain of energies. Change your action the very next time. And I think inspiration is something else that we're going to sprinkle into this conversation.
[00:11:36] Aaron: So it does seem like there are variations around our energetic blueprint that we come in with, but there is a variation in the amount of accountability, or I guess we could even bring a word in like drive or willpower that certain people have and certain people may not have. Is there any sort of thing that we could point to? A certain Human Design type or anything that you could say may lend its hand to this variation?
[00:12:01] Alexander: Well, this is something that I continue to look at that fascinates me, because it is partly our design. It's partly our environment. It's partly our DNA from our parents. And when you have all of that together, it can be very challenging to figure out or help someone to know what will give them more drive. I can give to people what drives me, but again, they didn't necessarily have my environment when I was growing up and my parents and my astrological makeup. So this is an area to where I feel like we all have to be investigators and stop being the judge. This is a constant in the J.U.S.T. Philosophy that we get stuck in being the judge. And when we're the investigator of ourselves, it's much more that childlike wonder of discovering the world and what it has to offer. And this is our internal world is discovering why we respond to these certain situations the way that we do and why some people would rather just sit around and judge themselves rather than just getting up and taking a new action right there in that moment.
[00:13:16] Again, I connect it to discipline and structure can help people to accomplish things, which gives them more self worth and takes them further away from this judgment and guilt, which seems to gain momentum over time for everybody no matter what the variables are that they're dealing with. This seems to be the consistency that I see, that there needs to be a structure and there needs to be a discipline and an accountability for that discipline. And then there's a knowing and a trusting and a faith that we are habitual creatures. So the more that we practice something, we create a different vibration. And the more likely it is, over a long period of time, us holding that vibration of change.
[00:14:06] So, inspiration is the other side of that. What each individual can find. A person, place, or thing that inspires them when they are feeling weak. And this is also where we can bring in friends or our relationships or coaches or mentors to hold us accountable. Cause sometimes we'll do it for them when we wouldn't do it for ourselves.
[00:14:27] Aaron: Yeah. And I just wanted to talk about -- What is the importance of accountability in all of this? And I feel like if people can reflect upon their life and wherever they are, every one of their major accomplishments has been through holding themselves accountable or somebody else held them accountable. So when we were kids, going to school it was pretty much, the teachers, maybe the parents. When I was a kid I didn't really want to go to school. I would dream about what would it be like, you know, when I was an adult and I didn't have to go to school. I didn't really like being there. But when I was there, I did enjoy it. So really, the things that we want more in life that require our participation and energy, require some sort of accountability somewhere.
[00:15:06] Alexander: Yeah, whether that's our school system or our job system. I mean, most people are in a situation where they have a boss or a hierarchy that they are concerned with impressing or certainly not disappointing. And people fight and say that they want more freedom, but many times they can't handle the freedom to keep themselves engaged, initiated, to keep moving forward. And that's why a lot of people self-sabotage themselves to have to stay in restricted areas like that because otherwise they won't be able to be productive to maybe provide for their family or for themselves even. And so I see a lot of self-sabotage going on where this is concerned when people are disgruntled and they talk about wishing they had a life of freedom, but the subconscious knowing that they really couldn't handle the responsibilities that comes with that.
[00:16:04] So, you know, it's a very interesting topic, and again, this isn't for anybody to feel judged, because it is about what you want to hold yourself accountable for, and then you only ask those around you to hold you to that. It's not holding yourself to anybody else's standards. So see, this is very different than most people have stuck about whether how their parents held them accountable, how their teachers held them accountable, how their bosses or supervisors hold them accountable. We're going to get into a different level of this to help build intimacy with yourself and with your relationships. .
[00:16:40] Aaron: And yeah, coming up in the complete conversation, we are going to get into the different types of accountability and then how to bring those in properly. And there are ways to hold yourself accountable, and we have many different ways we could use the J.U.S.T. Philosophy and the pillars. One thing you mentioned earlier was use inspiration. We could use intentions, we could use a kind of self-defined knowings or inner truths and then we could bring in other people like you touched upon, friends relationships, even like life coach type people.
[00:17:11] Alexander: Another thing I wanna bring in is the Five Levels. That many times when people can't follow through with something they set their intention to, there's a major gap or hole or void in one of the Five Levels. Which again is the Spiritual, the Mental, the Energetic, the Emotional, and the Physical. And it's easy to see how when you look at the body as a whole with those Five Levels, how there can be voids. Because most people in our culture are focused on the physical and the mental, and the other three are very, very damaged in our culture. And of course, in a lot of this podcast we talk about how to strengthen all these different levels. But I wanted to point that out as well.
[00:18:00] Aaron: Yeah. And then the last one would be, or at least something I want to talk about, is how the universe or the Divine holds us accountable and what that looks like. And I don't know if there is a way to ask for that. I mean, there might be, and we can get into that too. So I think that will be pretty interesting.
[00:18:15] Alexander: Yeah, it's gonna be fun. Yeah.
[00:18:17] Aaron: And then one last thing, you mentioned, I just wanted to bring it in, is asking for help if you did want some external accountability is not a weakness. I think you brought it up too.
[00:18:27] Alexander: Yeah. I think that's important to see that there's many people out there that have professional coaches, have personal coaches or personal trainers, have mentors. And that I feel like that's getting more and more popular because it is not a weakness to ask for other people to help hold you accountable. Again, remembering that you have the right to set up the structure and to share with them even how-to or how you would like to be approached about it. And that's again, some of the examples that we're gonna give in the full conversation.
[00:18:57] Aaron: Yeah, and it's even like taking a step of responsibility in a way. Because one, you're aware that you may have issues with that and then you're getting somebody else involved. So it's definitely not a weakness. It's almost like a strength in a way.
[00:19:10] Alexander: Yes, it is actually creating support and that's how we are going to approach this and that it's not coming from judgment. Like a lot of these other institutions, the parents, the school systems, the jobs, that it is very much involved with judgment and we wanna stay away from judgment. And that's where conscious communication comes in.
[00:19:30] Aaron: And in some ways I feel like this podcast could even serve as a place where people can get some accountability as we shed some awareness on certain topics in their life.
[00:19:37] Alexander: Yeah. So let's continue the conversation.
[00:19:40] Aaron: All right, so who's ready to get some accountability up in here?
[00:19:43] Alexander: Let's do it.
[00:19:44] Aaron: So let's first jump into holding ourselves accountable on all the ways that we can do this. I think the most prominent one for us on this podcast is using the pillars, and we have an episode, episode 51, where we go into detail on how to do that.
[00:20:04] But let's just do a quick re summary of how we can utilize the pillars to hold ourselves accountable in a moment of weakness.
[00:20:12] Alexander: Yeah, so these Five Pillars were created through my own healing journey. And what I attempted, or what my intention was, was to create a group of words, some people may even call it a mantra, but to create a group of words that takes me to my truth no matter what emotional state that I'm in. So these are five things that no matter what emotional state I'm in, I can never say that they're not true. So they help bring me back to that pure point of my essence. And the very first one is "Everything's in Divine Order, whether I understand it or not", or "Find the Divine Order in the chaos". That one became my go-to. I didn't mean for it to be my first one, but it ended up being my first one. And it's connected to the spiritual level. And each one of these is connected to a different level of the Five Levels of our being as well. And that one has so much power because I've experienced things that could be challenging to share with others. Things of being lifted in accidents and being moved, so I wouldn't be injured as much. Things like that to where I trust fully 1000% that there's a Divine energy that is supporting us on this earthly journey.
[00:21:39] Then the second one is polarity versus duality. And it means that basically for every thing that is created, the opposite has to exist on this earthly plane. And so duality is resisting that, or thinking that one thing should overcome something else. And polarity is acceptance of that. That you can only experience love through experiencing hate. And we experienced life through the experience of death. And so that became extremely powerful for me to realize that everything is impermanent and whatever I am going through, it's a cycle. And I will also experience the opposite.
[00:22:23] So the third one is that emotional accountability and responsibility. And this was a big one for me when I begin to see that anyone working on themselves, and self-development-wise, is getting away from any victim mentality. So the idea that no one can make me sad, that no one can make me mad, that no one can do that to me. The fact that I realize I have a choice in that was empowering for me. So when I'm angry or experiencing frustration or sadness, any of the negative emotions, I can very quickly go to any of these first three in any of the five, and it shifts my perspective very, very quickly. And then I practiced being in stillness until I shifted that perspective because I wanted to be conscientious of the energy that I was putting out there in the world.
[00:23:23] The fourth one is "Everyone and every situation can be your teacher." So that takes, again, the victim out of the situation that, "Bob is doing this to me". No, when I can see what Bob is bringing up in me that is obviously a weakness, an emotional weakness, that could have been passed down from my family lineage, or it could be from traumas I've experienced. But the whole idea of self-development is taking the power away from that and being able to stand in your own power. So, seeing that person or that situation for what it has to teach you, takes the emotional energy out of it, but transforms it into self-knowledge.
[00:24:05] And then the fifth one is, "Everything's vibration". Therefore everything is temporary. There's nothing that's going to last forever, and we all go through cycles and patterns. And so these were the five that, no matter what emotional state I was in, one of those five would bring me back to center and bring my most important part, my energetic field, back into a more harmonious vibration before I continued anything else in my day, especially relating or connecting with people.
[00:24:40] So I hope that that's helpful, but at the same time, I want to mention that I want to give everybody the freedom to make up your own. These aren't laws, these are just from my own experience what I use that help me to snap back to that center, to standing in my power. And the more that I practice these, the faster I was able to do it. So this is something that just gets stronger and faster through repetition.
[00:25:07] Aaron: Yeah. I would say the Five Pillars work optimally if you're trying to hold yourself accountable to doing the work. That's their shining place, at least in my experience.
[00:25:16] Alexander: And another thing that I wanna mention in that is, we have to give ourselves room to have these emotional reactions. I like to think that they're our little kid inside of us and we still sometimes need to be okay with having that reaction. The main thing is to: A- cut down on reacting on someone, or at someone. But to realize that you may need to go off for a while by yourself, and like I said, I used to allow myself to be angry about the situation and go through the process of shifting it through, reciting these pillars. But see, not judging myself of "I shouldn't have gotten angry". No, I still happen to feel that one can't get angry unless they are carrying anger and a situation brings that to the surface. But see, that was because that person was already carrying anger in them. They may or may not have been aware of it. So these are the deeper and more consistent practices that I have found to be the most useful in shifting one's energy.
[00:26:26] Aaron: And so this would also fall into having like inner truths that you would keep yourself in check with, during an emotional reaction or during a period where you're not grounded, right?
[00:26:37] Alexander: Yes. And, you know, the beautiful thing whether you use these five pillars or you use some of your own, these are the things that you can share with your loved ones that you're interested in holding you accountable. I like to suggest people to come up with three people that you feel like you can go to and you can just say, "Hey, this is something I'm working on". Maybe being softer in my delivery, for someone that doesn't have quite enough tact. And I had to learn that myself. I have what's called the 59/6 Channel in the Human Design, that's also called the Aura Buster. So I had to learn that people take me way too intensely in the beginning. So see, I wanted to help that, so I learned to soften my delivery. But I needed help with that. So I would pick two or three people that I was around pretty frequently, and I would say, "Hey, anytime you observe me, whether it's with you or someone else, coming across too aggressive in the beginning, please point that out to me". And I would give them a phrase or a group of words that I would be more likely to receive. One of those might be emotional accountability and responsibility.
[00:27:53] So I began to pay attention that anytime somebody got emotionally reactive to something that I said, I took accountability and responsibility that it may have a lot to do with the way that I just presented it. Then I wanted to ask my friends, like I said, and my relationship to "Hey, anytime you see this, point it out to me and just say 'emotional accountability'." See, you can shorten the phrase, you don't have to have a whole conversation about it. Because the main point is just to be aware of it when you don't notice it is the purpose of bringing other loved ones in to help you with this accountability.
[00:28:31] Aaron: And I, when you said that I was recounting an experience in my head where, in the past, I played around with that. Having people have like a phrase where when I was doing something they would say it. And I remember just being even more mad [laughter]. Almost like I was mad because I wasn't accountable in a way, so I was judging myself, but being mad that I failed, I guess is really what it is.
[00:28:51] Alexander: Yes. And that's where that self-judgment comes from. And again, this is the importance of accountability. You know, on a sports team, it does no good for the player to get upset at himself or to get upset at the coach. It just does good to go do the discipline, which was extra pushups or extra laps, and while you're doing that, figure out where you lost your mindset or where you failed, where you did something incorrectly. And the purpose of doing this extra work is for you to reflect on how not to do that again.
[00:29:24] So with me, the discipline was to go sit in time out. Because one of the main emotions I worked on has been frustration consistently. And so many times the last thing that I felt like I had was time to sit and do nothing. Many times the frustration was from a shortage of time. So, see, I created that to be my discipline in what I was gonna hold myself accountable to so that I wouldn't have to sit in stillness. But I would sit in that stillness until I could shift my vibration and then go back into whatever I was doing, because this was during a period of time where I was really focusing on my energetic field and how that was affecting all of my work, all of my social situations, all of my relationships. And it was an extremely huge learning period.
[00:30:11] Aaron: So there's times when there's something that we want, whether it's to achieve, whether it's a knowledge thing, going to college, or to get a new car. We all have these things. So in order to get those, we have to hold ourselves accountable to do the steps that lead to those. So, I wanted to bring in intention here. I mean, I guess you could also bring in goals, but then also inspiration, because I feel like all these things can help us hold ourselves accountable by reminding us what it is. Maybe even bring in the cost of it and maybe go over the acceptance of the cost.
[00:30:47] Alexander: Yeah, and I think one of the other main words there is responsibility. And many times when people are looking for inspiration, they find someone that holds themselves accountable or carries a high level responsibility in whatever they are doing. And that self-confidence normally comes from effort that's put into prepare or to practice that type of thing. And there's a lot of references that can easily go to sports figures because normally the best at whatever they do, it's a simple formula, they practice more than anybody else does. And maybe they're at the height of their age physically. So there are other variables, but the repetition is something that really needs to be focused on, the importance of that, and why getting off of any type of consistency creates lackluster results.
[00:31:46] So again, we can use, like say, a parent figure or a grandparent figure, or even our intimate relationship as that person that you don't want to let down. Say that you wanna lose some weight, 15 pounds hypothetically. And the consistency is if you change your diet slightly and you jog some, maybe do some sit-ups-- there's, I know, many different exercises that people do. But just that and you have the understanding that if I consistently do this over a three, or four, or six month period, it's going to initiate the change toward what the person's looking for. But it's also easy to understand that if I don't consistently, and I just do it a couple of days a week, then it's gonna take a lot longer.
[00:32:34] So this is where utilizing others to help hold us accountable, setting whether that's goals that, "Okay, in two months I wanna lose five pounds," whatever the goal is. I typically don't suggest goals to people. Goals work for some people, but many times it creates a higher level of disappointment. I'd rather hear someone use the language of intention to say, "My intention is to lose 15 pounds, and I don't know whether that's going to take two months or it's gonna take six months or a year, but that's my intention and I know that I will get the results equal to the amount of effort that I put in," and then that person go out there and do their best. And asking others to hold them accountable is so when they feel weak, they know that if they don't exercise that day or they do eat that sugary sweet, that they may have to answer to somebody else. And again, this isn't to feel judged, this isn't to feel belittled. It is to give you incentive that many times when we will let ourselves down out of comfort, we will persevere and push through if there's somebody else that we have got to answer to, especially if we respect that person. Again, it's not about judgment. It's about that accountability and to utilize that extra power of perseverance and willpower to be able to do it for maybe your kids, or your wife, or your mother or father, or somebody that just means something to you.
[00:34:07] So I think that's important. And this comes into inspiration as well that there's been a lot of people that when they win some kind of award or overcome something, they want to thank somebody right away. And when that person is being thanked, that's who I feel like is holding them accountable. And I want that to be seen in a beautiful, beautiful light because that accountability can help somebody persevere when they're very, very weak on their own.
[00:34:35] Aaron: I wanted to bring our wants back in here and acceptance. And I wanted to touch upon that because in my head I'm like connecting the dots and I feel like if we want a want, it's conscious to then look at the cost of it and then decide whether it's worth that cost. And then if we still want it, then there has to be some accountability to doing that cost or doing the steps to get that want, and accept the cost, right?
[00:35:01] Alexander: Yes. And part of that can be working it out through structure. Like a hypothetical of if someone wants to lose weight and they enjoy buying vinyl records, like we do. And they set up the accountability that if I work out every day, 20 minutes this week, then I'm going to give myself a hundred dollars to buy albums. If I don't work out every day this week, then maybe it's only $25 or something like that. So you can bring reward into it. There's still structure and discipline involved in this accountability. And the reward is "The more effort I put in, then the more of this enjoyment that I get." So, you know, there's many different ways to create this accountability and I think that that's important to bring that creative aspect in it as well.
[00:36:00] Aaron: And so you definitely have to have a good awareness of where you are in holding yourself accountable, because one could do that and not cheat, and hold themselves to those standards or to the rewards that they've set. But if you know that you can't do that, then that is when we would bring in another person. And so let's get into that. And I know we've kind of sprinkled it in here and there, but bringing in other people to help us-- and they can be friends, it can be relationships, it can be people like life coaches. It could be somebody we look up to.
[00:36:32] First of all, picking the right person is critical. Because you don't wanna pick somebody who also doesn't hold themselves accountable. Unless, you know, it's one of those things where some people are better at holding other people accountable than themselves. So I don't know maybe it will work out?
[00:36:45] Alexander: Yes, yes. Sometimes it is somebody that exemplifies what you want to strengthen. Sometimes it can be somebody that's equally as challenged with the situation as you are and it can be very reciprocal. "Oh, yes. Well, I wanna work on that too, so anytime you see me doing that..." So see, it's more like a teammate, like that coach idea, rather than the judge. That any input that's coming from this person is to make me stronger. It's not to tear me down. And that's very, very important for the individual that wants to go down this path of self-development and accountability to understand. Is that, you're basically making agreements with yourself first, and if you let yourself down, then you're making agreements with these other people to hold you to a certain standard. Again, not to judge you, but to just let you know when you're not aware of doing something that is a pattern for you.
[00:37:44] So it's really a lot of creativity that can go into how somebody presents that to somebody else. They can just say, "I'd like you to just help me to be aware of this when I notice this". You don't even have to get into, "I'm working to break this pattern". You don't have to be so vulnerable, especially in the beginning. But the other thing that I want to suggest is start off small so that you can build some consistency, cause that can build some self-confidence. So, rather than listing three or four things that you want somebody to help you with, maybe just consider one thing and see how often that they give input. And if they're not giving a lot of input or you're not unaware of that particular thing, then it may turn into two or three. But again, the key here is that you feel supported, you feel assisted, but you don't feel judged. And if you do feel judged to remember that, that is your fourth pillar, emotional accountability and responsibility. It all comes full circle back to your agreement with yourself. But these external accountabilities can be very useful.
[00:38:50] Aaron: And is there like a check-in we should have with this person? If, let's say we go like three weeks, we're around them like, you know, maybe for a couple hours every day and they haven't said anything. And so maybe do a check-in and be like, "Hey, you know, I wanted you to hold me accountable. Have you just not seen it?" Just so we know that we're all on the same page.
[00:39:09] Alexander: Yeah. Yeah. I think that's very useful because that was what I used as a default, is I picked my people and I shared that with them to hold me accountable for certain things at different times. But then anytime I got around them, I created the habit to myself to ask them, "Hey, is there anywhere where you see that I'm fooling myself? And that just means, "Is there anything that you see me doing like an automaton, or seems like I'm influenced from my family lineage, or saying things that I'm not living. And that's a big one. That lots of people will project things that they believe in or even allude that they practice and then they don't practice. And again, this isn't about judgment, but it's a challenge in our culture to not talk beyond what we truly practice. And that's a practice within itself, holding ourselves accountable.
[00:40:03] One of the very first ones, is make sure you're not giving any advice that you don't follow. This is "Child Raising 101" when I work with parents. To help them to understand that the kid is going to have to be told over, and over, and over, the less experience that the parent has. And if you want to tell the kid less times to stop doing something, then make sure that you have stopped that in your own life. So such as often it is that kids learn to start lying. And so then the parents will hold the child to a certain level of accountability for lying, but the parent may lie day in and day out, but justify it as keeping truths from somebody so they won't get hurt or something like that. So this is why children especially are a reflection of where we are holding ourselves or not holding ourselves accountable enough by the lessons that we go through with our children.
[00:41:02] Aaron: Yeah. And I hold myself accountable in some ways whenever I feel like I need to point something out to somebody of what they're not doing. I always take a moment to ask myself, "Where am I not doing this first?" and adjust that internally. Because I like to use that as a sign for myself.
[00:41:18] Alexander: Yes. It's a great practice because, again, if you learn to shift your energy before engaging, you're more than likely going to have a higher success rate of whatever that is that you want to share. And if we see that it's more of like a reflection-- see that's a good catch to maybe not engage and point that out and say, "Oh, that was just a reflection for me to remind me to remember to not say that or to not do that". So see, the accountability doesn't always have to be connected to repercussions, and I think that is terms that often get mixed up. That there doesn't have to necessarily be repercussions like the coach making the player run extra laps when they are held accountable for something. It's not always that it's just a recognition and kinda like a check-in.
[00:42:09] Aaron: Yeah. I really like the coach analogy that you have been mentioning throughout because it's the coach's job to point out things and the players accept that. But in a moment where maybe a player failed to do something that they've practiced, they could have a moment of failure internally and judge themselves. And then be an emotional reaction and then maybe take it out on the coach because the coaches- they're instructing them- it's almost a reflection on their own judgment on themselves. But I feel like later on when the emotion is gone, they'll be able to easily point out what all was wrong in that situation. I think we've seen it in sports over and over, but it's so easy now when we're all grounded to see, "Oh, well the coach, that's his job." And so I guess that's why we may look to a life coach, right?
[00:42:57] Alexander: Mm-hmm. Yes. And this is another example of finding somebody that is really good at what you want to get better at. A standard that I like to suggest to start with is asking people to point out any time that they can save you time, energy, or money. And so if you have a friend that's really good with money, then to go to them and to simply say, "Hey, anytime that you feel like I'm being wasteful with my money, I welcome your input". Then you set a responsibility on yourself to not take out anything negative on that person if they do point something out like that. And the other thing is somebody that's really good with time management, to point out when they feel like you may be wasting time where you're not aware of it.
[00:43:47] So these points are equally important when you utilize people that have strengths in these areas, and then when you're able to utilize people as well that maybe are on a very similar level and you wanna work on the same issue with each other. So there's multiple ways to approach this, but hopefully this is guiding everyone towards finding a way that really fits with them, finding the people that they respect to point that out to where they won't go into as much self-judgment or as much projection, and finding the terms and the phrases that work optimally. I think those are some of the main facets to really work with this accountability.
[00:44:29] Aaron: Yeah. I can see the appeal of some people wanting somebody external of their life to hold them accountable and then I can see the appeal of how some people would want a friend to do that as well, [Mm-hmm.] but now let's bring in the relationships and I think some people would not want the accountability in their relationships. And maybe it depends on the energy of the relationship and what type of romantic relationship it is. The energy between the two people. If it's that like Mars, passionate energy, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to bring that in unless you wanted really fast growth. [laughing]
[00:45:05] Alexander: Yes. Yes. And, here, the compatibility does weigh in a lot because how we energetically match up with our partners is just-- energy doesn't lie. And it's one of the biggest aspects where I help couples with their relating or their communication is because somebody with Mars, like you brought up, or Saturn type influences, that's gonna come across very authoritative and bring up any authority issues that that person may have. To where if they have more of a moon influence and Venus influence, and even mercury, which is good for communication, see, that could help that be received a lot better.
[00:45:46] So, it does help if you want to get into deep levels of this, to have a mercury person and maybe a Mercury / Venus person that can point these things out. Because you're going to be connected in communication and you're going to be connected-- Venus is the planet of love, so it softens it coming in. But many times it's the people that are in the Mars and the Saturn influences in our lives that have so much input toward us. Because see, that's a love language for the Saturn person. They're there to help point out what you don't see, but it's their love language. But it activates any authority, many times, father issues that their partner may have. And so it can be very counterproductive.
[00:46:33] So again, when intimate relationships have these types of challenges, but see that brings on a lot of sexual attraction, a lot of spontaneity. A lot of excitement. So you don't get one without the other, you have to take them both in tandem. And then many times the better a couple can communicate, the less friction they have, but maybe their passion in the bedroom is a little less. But that doesn't mean that it's less enjoyable. It can actually mean that they get to deeper levels of intimacy.
[00:47:04] So there's a lot of good variables in that, but this is why a coach, or a mentor, or therapists, those types of roles are very, very important in people's lives because the ideal of that is that they don't have a preference. So they're truly just trying to hold your best interest to where friends and people that are close to you, family members, they can carry preferences and they can have an interest in what they're going to get out of it. So we like to think that they do always have our best interest at heart, but people can disappoint us in those areas and so that's why in the more professional realms there is this availability. So, whether you do it intimately, or friends and family, or on a professional level, I think that it's very, very beneficial to have that accountability there.
[00:47:53] Aaron: Very good point especially because we just did an episode on non-preference and those friends and the romantic relationships can even project their personal wants for you [Mm-hmm.] which would benefit them and in some way onto that. I mean, energy doesn't lie, like you said, so it's come through in some way like an added pressure.
[00:48:12] Alexander: Yes. That happens very often and that's why it is challenging to do this level of work with your so-called intimate partner. I mean, even people that go to become a massage therapist, they will be suggested to not work on their partners. And for many new people it's hard to understand that. But as you get more intuitive, and you start picking stuff up, and you start trying to make suggestions of like where this knot's coming from and that kind of thing, it's not always well received. Because again, if the person has self-judgment issues, they can feel like they're not doing good enough or they're just not good enough, and they can go into a reaction. And so this is very common and why many times it does work ideally when both partners in the relationship have the same coach, mentor, therapist, that kind of thing, because they're developing a language and they're able to use that third person for that neutrality to be able to bring them back to center. Because it's not a competition of who's doing right or wrong, but it is basically building conscious communication is what this comes down to. And if you're not able to hold yourself accountable, you're not likely to be able to see clearly where you're failing in the communications. Because unfortunately, if you don't hold yourself accountable, most of the time you're justifying your actions. And when both parties in the relationship are just justifying their actions, they're not growing toward intimacy.
[00:49:40] Aaron: So let's bring in how we can utilize the Universe, or the Divine, or God, whatever word you want to use for that energy, to hold us accountable. Is there a way?
[00:49:50] Alexander: Well, here's where, you know, you get in the idea of the aspect of karma. Some people may come from the aspect of God giving gifts and taking things away depending on how they act. And so this part isn't to specify what's right or wrong, but it is just to allude on how to utilize life or that Divine energy, God energy is holding us accountable. And many times people will get a lesson in humility if they are very boisterous about something that they're experiencing in their life, and then that gets taken away. And see, it's not that they shouldn't have been boisterous, it's just that they needed to have that experience and then they needed to experience the polarity side as well to know that subject fully.
[00:50:41] So, a lot of private clients that I work with when they feel they have victim mentality, feel like money or something has been taken away from them, it's often that I'll ask them, hypothetically if say a hundred thousand dollars has been taken away from someone, then I would typically ask them if they've ever been gifted money. And often they will say, "Well, yes, when my parents died or whatever, I've got this money, or I got that money". And oftentimes the amount that they've been given will be three or four times the amount that was taken away.
[00:51:15] And so, when you can look at the universe as that everything is in Divine Order and that nothing can be taken away from you that's meant to be yours, there becomes this accountability and appreciation that there's gonna be a certain balance kept here. And the ones that I have found with the most contentment, with the most peace, the most joyful experience of life, are the ones that as the ebb and flows of life bring things in, they learn to receive that. And then when it ebbs back out and things get taken away, they work to accept that as well. And that's why the term acceptance, again, doesn't mean approval of, or condoning of, but it simply means that you stop the resistance to whatever situation you're in. And in this, it's to practice that equal enjoyment of when it's coming in, to be humble and to be grateful for it and when it's going out, to know that that is just a passing phase as well, and that you have more than likely received way more than has gone out.
[00:52:17] We touched on this in another situation to where we talk about loss. And many times unfortunately, when somebody may happen to lose a child, or a loved one, that they will go into so much loss and despair that they won't appreciate the love and the relationships that they have. And again, this isn't a judgment, it's just to show that accountability. That when you bring accountability into every step of your life, part of that accountability is gratitude, being grateful, and to learn to accept what we can't control.
[00:52:51] Aaron: Yeah, I guess in some ways accountability is built into the whole system, built into how energy works, and we've talked about this. If you're doing the work and you are working on your emotional reactions or just your display of emotion in general, the higher the highs we have, the lower the lows we're gonna experience. And so if we learn to taper those outward displays of our highs, then our lows will also taper off. And I've experienced that as well. And so I feel like that's a good example of this.
[00:53:20] Alexander: Yes. And just because you manage your so-called highs doesn't mean that you're enjoying them any less. I think what most people will find is that you can enjoy it longer, the less of an extreme you go to in the celebration. And you know that can be seen on the earthly plane when you build a fire. And you can fan the flames to get higher and put off the most heat, but it burns the wood the fastest. So this is a similar analogy to that. To just see that when you work in the flow of life, which we have a recent episode of that, that both the receiving and the giving is part of that and we create our amount of hell or our amount of struggle by the resistance to either one. Either the receiving side, because in order to receive, there's somebody that's giving, and if we don't receive properly, we stop the energy of that giving. And when someone can stop and think about how good it feels, when you give somebody something that you know they really want or they really need and it's truly received. To have that energy blocked, again, that's a responsibility, and it is equal in the giving and the receiving.
[00:54:30] Aaron: And so I did want to pose the question like, can we ask the Universe, or God, or the Divine to hold us accountable? Is there a way to have that communication? And then, I don't know if, I guess maybe signs would be brought in here but can you or have you in the past done that?
[00:54:47] Alexander: I don't know that I would say that I have done it directly like that. I think there's more of a faith and a trust there that if it is for my highest good, then you know, life will support me in that. Which means that there has to be a certain amount of accountability for true support. Again, support isn't just somebody going along with you. And many people get that confused and they feel like they're being supported when somebody is just saying yeses and agreeing with and that type of thing. But again, when we go to that coach image, the coach isn't always supporting the way that the player is doing that. But they're supporting the player and they're working with the way they're doing this specific thing. And I think that's important to see from that Divine energy is that, we're all always supported. We just may not be getting our preference. And in that, not getting that preference, many people can feel that life or God is against them. And it's something that we all have to experience just like the ocean ebbing and flowing.
[00:55:58] Aaron: So, man, I think you just created a new topic for one of the next episodes. Support, because I think you just shined a light on a perspective that I didn't really see, and that's support is not just, like you said, going along with that person. It's truly supporting their Authentic Being in a way and--
[00:56:18] Alexander: Yeah, them to be the highest form of themselves. But see there's a fine line in there, because if you push it too far and you start making the person tear themselves down, then you're being counterproductive. So true support is holding that person in a way of responsibility, of accountability. In a way that they still feel that support. Because true support is people letting us know when they agree with us, but it's also coming from a respect standpoint of them letting us know when they don't agree or they see a way that, again, they could save us time, energy, or money. And I think that's extremely important to be able to see.
[00:57:01] Aaron: Yeah. And I would hope most people in that situation receiving that feedback would have respect for that person giving it, you know, because that is a sign of respect is communicating that, especially when it may not, I don't know, it may not be accepted.
[00:57:14] Alexander: Well, something else I think is important to point out is that if you are playing the role to point out something to somebody, consider pointing out two or three things that you know that they have been doing better, and then just give them the one thing that you recognize that they might work on or something that they missed. So, complimenting is part of that support. And again, we want to be giving the energy in fairly equal amounts. And so the recognition of successes is just as important as the suggestion of what still needs to be worked on.
[00:57:49] Aaron: And that's definitely something a generator needs to keep in mind.
[00:57:52] Alexander: Yes. Yes.
[00:57:53] Aaron: So, let's wrap this up and what is something that the people out there could work on around this topic of accountability?
[00:58:01] Alexander: I think really opening up your views to accountability and what asking for help is. And part of that help may be someone helping you with your structure and your timelines. To make sure that you're not going beyond something that you can consistently do. Becayse again, you know, hold yourself accountable for things that you can be successful at over a period of time, at least three weeks to three months, and then increase those times. Like when I tell people that are working with wanting to hold themselves accountable for meditation and things like that, I like to suggest for disciplines like that to start with just two or three minutes. But do it every day and get it to a point to where you want five minutes, you want to extend it to seven minutes, you want to extend it to 10 minutes. Because that's the likelihood of more success is that you hold yourself accountable to levels that you can reach. The more of those levels you reach, the more inspiring that it can be to continue to grow and grow in that direction.
[00:59:01] Aaron: We talked a lot about the compatibility between two people in relationships and I just wanted to remind the people that if they are interested in a relationship compatibility discussion with Alexander, where he brings in the Human Design and the Destiny Cards of each person to definitely reach out to him at [email protected].
[00:59:22] Alexander: Yes, we have reports for sale for 25 bucks. Consultations that normally start off with two hours and we really get specific on both the obstacles and the gifts that both parties bring to each other.
[00:59:35] Aaron: Yeah. So I think it's a good practice to know the baseline of what you're both working with in a relationship, what you're both bringing as far as energy, and then figure out how to tackle any friction that you have.
[00:59:46] Alexander: Yes, absolutely. That's the optimal way to approach it.
[00:59:49] Aaron: All right, so sending you all a lot of gratitude. Thank you so much for joining us. Especially if you have been here for all five years. Man, lots of gratitude for you all. Thank you so much.
[00:59:58] Alexander: Many blessings. Thank you.