Conscious Conflict: The Importance of Self Development Work in Relationships

[00:00:21] Aaron: Hello, beautiful people. More conscious days are on the horizon as you've reached the Wise Whys podcast. Here with Aaron and-

[00:00:32] Alexander: Alexander.

[00:00:32] Aaron: Alexander is here.

[00:00:34] Alexander: Welcome everyone.

[00:00:35] Aaron: And we have a goodie for you today. We're getting into another episode on conscious relationships, but kind of looking at confrontation from the self perspective and leading into having more conscious conversations in our relationships, but then looking into what do they actually tell us about ourselves, and then diving more into the self-development aspect that can be taken advantage of from what we can learn from our confrontation. And so it's not really more focused on the external or the interrelationship stuff of what about that person that we are battling with it's more about the internal. But it's gonna help you in all sorts of ways, with confrontation.

[00:01:20] Alexander: Yes. And I want to start off here to mention that there is a difference between self-development work and relationship work. And this is why many times it benefits a person or a relationship, the more individual work that someone has done. Because, we've mentioned many times on past episodes the idea of everyone playing roles for us. And see the more stuff that we still have to work through, the more likely our partner is to play roles for us to learn, and that can create communication problems. It can create relationship issues. So we're gonna get into breaking down the difference of those two different things, actually seeing them differently, self-development work and relationship work.

[00:02:05] Aaron: And even getting into possible reasons why we're having arguments, or confrontation, or friction in our relationships, but we're not sure why. And of course, we tend to as people blaming on things that are like in our view initially, but there could be underlying reasons that we're not understanding properly. And with the J.U.S.T. Philosophy, we touch upon these of like bringing them to light of things that could possibly be happening that you're not able to understand just by reacting to the external things that create the friction. So we're gonna dive more into that, but I wanted to start out with when the initial sense of friction comes into the individual, and what that might cause somebody to do. We could talk about the differences, and I think one difference would be 5s in the Human Design profile numbers and not 5s. Because 5s tend to not like confrontation.

[00:03:02] I have a 5 in one of my profiles and I can say this is very much true. I tend to shy away from confrontation. I don't like even talking on the phone with people. [Mm-hmm], like it's to that level, but of course I push myself to do it because it's something you have to do in this life. But I'm sure there's other people who feel more comfortable talking to somebody on chat like I do. But I could say that when there's an initial sense of friction that comes in where maybe I witness somebody doing something that I judge. And in inside of me, initially, I kind of take it to an extreme where I'm like, "Oh, I don't know if I could be with this person if they're doing this." [Mm-hmm] Like, it could even be just them drinking soda. Let's just say that's for an example, and I immediately judge that. Cause I kind of want to be in a relationship where somebody is health conscious because I am.

[00:03:52] Alexander: Right.

[00:03:52] Aaron: And I want to share those priorities, because I can see how that could be a source of confrontation or friction in the future when even with like meals, or going out, there may be differences because I'm not probably gonna want to go to the same places.

[00:04:10] So your mind just starts to unwind and go to all these places. But if somebody's not a 5, they may just like shout it out, be like, "Hey, what are you doing?" and just immediately make that confrontation be known. And in some instances, maybe that's, I don't wanna say better, because 5s tend to just stuff stuff and process it in over long periods of time. And what I do is I will internalize it and try to find different perspectives that I could take to quell that friction so it's not an issue, but if I'm not successful in that all the way, it will still be there running in the background, like a background process on the computer. And then once I notice something else, it just keeps building, and building, and building, and then sooner or later it explodes. And I think one of the reasons why we are in this philosophy is to prevent those explosions from coming out, getting emotional, and taking out your emotional reaction on the other person. Because in that, we're not conscious. In that we're not being constructive. In that we're not communicating.

[00:05:10] Alexander: Right, right. And this is where most, unfortunately in our culture, most relationships are. They're just in reaction. So one person has a reaction and then the other person has a bigger reaction and it just becomes an energetic tennis match back and forth. And very rarely does anything get resolved. Normally there's somebody that gives up or gives in. And most relationships are built on that dynamic, and, unfortunately, that's the way that it moves forward. Where in a more conscious type relationship, the most important thing is communication. And see, in self-development, one of the most important things is communication as well. Communication with the self, communication with your body, communication with your extra sense perceptions, communication with the Divine, whatever that is for you.

[00:05:58] And so, the more and more that I looked at these relationship issues and saw that communication is almost always the issue. But see, a person has to be able to be honest with themselves and communicate with themselves before they can really be honest and communicate with someone else. So they're kind of linked. Two people can only communicate to the level that both parties can communicate with themselves. And unfortunately, many people are what's called codependent on relationships so they don't take time needed in between relationships to develop, to learn, to process the last relationship. And when you don't take time to process the last relationship, whatever you go into, this person's more than likely gonna step into similar roles, and you're not going to get the benefits of the last relationship. You're right back into friction once again.

[00:06:51] Aaron: And that's why there are people out there who attract the same type of person over and over, and they're wondering, "What's wrong with me?" And it could be that the Universe, or God, or the Divine is trying to teach you to grow or show you something and you're not getting the lesson out there, right?

[00:07:07] Alexander: Yeah. It's, just basically that. Anytime somebody brings up to me, "Why am I stuck in this loop?" I say, "What lesson is it that you're resisting to learn?" And many times the lesson that's there, we don't wanna see it because that's the whole point. It's a lesson against, normally, a preference of ours or a comfort of ours. And so this isn't life or God being mean to us, we're not victims because you get a reward when you do the work. And that's different per person, per situation. The last person that I held any expectations on, I actually believed them. It was a relationship I was in and I believed them over my connection to the Divine. When I would ask her a question, she would answer me and everything in my knowing would say no, but she was saying yes. She was saying everything was fine, and the Divine was trying to let me know that, "No, this isn't what's happening." And I chose to listen to her over that connection for the first time in my life. And then we wound up splitting up and she chose to leave. And that changed the way I started looking at trust.

[00:08:18] And we're gonna get into lots of good, juicy stuff in the extended version but, you know, trust is something that is earned, forgiveness is necessary, love is developed, attraction happens, and respect should be given. So we're going to expand on some of that and get into even more deeper stuff in this subject of splitting and working on your self-development work and working on your relationships and the communication is the key in all of this.

[00:08:46] Aaron: So in the complete conversation, I want to go through every step of friction that comes in and how it leads to confrontation and start out from the moment it comes in to the individual and then carry it through all the ways that we can attempt to dissipate the friction, work through the friction, change our perspectives, and if we don't, then go to the next step, so we can approach it that way. So just so you guys know, that's what we're going to be getting into in the complete conversation. So if you're not a member, please sign up and get those juicy details on how to do this work within relationships.

[00:09:21] Alexander: Yes, this is gonna be fun to break that down step by step.

[00:09:24] Aaron: Some of the things that we did wanna bring in here are how like attachment styles can play a part in this. And so, I just visited my family up in Connecticut a few weeks ago and I really could see how my father and my stepmother almost, I don't wanna say were perfect for each other but they're able to get along well, [Mm-hmm] because their attachment styles are different. And we can even bring in the roles and relationships, which we're definitely gonna go more into in the complete conversation. We've talked about in past episodes. But I also saw my dad's roles. My dad is a provider. [Mm-hmm] and he is a nurturer, to an extent. Like he wants to nurture somebody, he wants to take care of somebody, and my stepmother needs that. [Right] And so, because she has a void there and my dad wants to externally put his energy into doing that, they seem to fit, or at least it doesn't cause any friction. So it seems symbiotic.

[00:10:23] Alexander: Yes. And this is why opposites attract for this reason. Certain people have something to give and certain people want or need to receive that, but it can create a codependence and it can create unhealthy issues in the relationship. But it is nice when we see how two people do work well together and we may scratch our heads and say, why would that person wanna play that role? But if they're happy to play that role, then you know, it is all about the harmony and how those two fit together, rather than how everyone around them sees them fitting together.

[00:10:56] Aaron: Yeah. Because they're made to put out a certain energy and that's not to say that we can't change this, right? Because we are created to put energy out in certain ways. And so if one person is made to receive in those ways, it can be a very good relationship. But that's not to say that we can't potentially bring in consciousness and change the way that we give out energy, or somebody could change the way that they could receive energy and then maybe just kind of pivot and consciously decide to get that energy elsewhere, right?

[00:11:29] Alexander: Yes. Because this is the beauty, especially when kids come in. See, many times two people get together and one plays the nurturer role and the other one is more comfortable playing the disciplinary role. And sometimes they go through their whole lives playing those roles. What I see as the ideal for everyone involved is that both parties learn to play both roles and that they can alternate and switch off from time to time. And I've experienced this in raising my stepsons. This was the direction that Sherry and I went. And I wanted to work on my feminine side and she was working on her masculine side. We happened to have two separate households, so when the boys were here on my property, I was the disciplinary. And when they were on her property, she was the disciplinary. And it gave us both opportunities to play both sides. And I feel like it helped the boys to experience a more balanced experience.

[00:12:27] And this is, once again, when we talk about male and female, we're talking about energies. And we all carry, no matter the gender, we carry both of these energies to different levels. So part of the self-development work is the more masculine energy you carry, then maybe the more you need to work on your feminine to bring that into balance and vice versa. And when those two people come together and they can alternate and balance in between both of them, their masculine and feminine, I feel like that's the optimum for the child to be around and to experience.

[00:13:01] Aaron: And I would say we're mostly, on the majority, more in the masculine than we really should be. So I think most people--

[00:13:08] Alexander: Yeah, our culture is directed toward that.

[00:13:10] Aaron: Yeah, we're taught to be hardened and to not express our feelings. Then even when others do bring in the feminine, it can even be like to an extreme on the other side. And so we really, really want to reach that kind of middle ground where we're able to balance both and then call upon each one whenever we decipher is needed.

[00:13:32] Alexander: Yes. The beauty of this type of work is communication becomes more important than being right. And too many conversations begin with both parties thinking they're right about separate views, and both parties are trying to convince the other person of their view. That's not conscious communication. That's agenda oriented. And we're not here to judge that or tear that down, but we are here to bring clarity on what it truly means to consciously communicate with another human being. And the beauty of that, the art of communication, is really a feminine energy. It's not about right or wrong, it's, "Hey, let me share my points of views and I want to hear your point of views, and then maybe we can go away and we can consider each other's point of views and then come back together and have another conversation about it and just share our point of views." So that can turn into a very enjoyable experience for two people when they're just sharing views and growing together rather than trying to prove each other wrong.

[00:14:35] Aaron: I feel like that's a very hard thing to do, for me anyway. I know what it boils down to struggling with the things that you want or having a preference. And we just got off the episode last week of recording talking about the importance or the power of being neutral or being in non-preference and I guess that even comes into relationships. But at some point, because you're spending in your intimate energy with this person, there are some preferences that have to come to light, right?

[00:15:03] Alexander: Yes. Because that's why we gotta be clear with our preferences. Because anywhere that we do have a preference, we have to accept that we're not gonna be able to bend there. So that's called a boundary. And there's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. But again, the communication of that is very, very important so that the other person knows, "Hey, I'm not asking you to change, but I am sharing with you what is important to me and what I'm attracted to. And if you enjoy me being attracted to you, then these may be some things that you want to learn more about or expand yourself in. And I certainly want to know the things that turn you on and that you're attracted to as well.

[00:15:41] So see, you're not just doing it to get the other person's approval, you're doing it to expand who you are as a human being and to grow your utility belt of things you can communicate with your partner about. And we talk a lot on this podcast about both of us being into vinyl, and we're even into vinyl for two different reasons and that's cool. But you and I are able to talk about vinyl and it be very fun even though we approach it from two different directions, so to say. And I would love to have that in an intimate partner, but that may or may not happen, and I'm just glad to have somebody. I say whatever you think that you need, your intimate partner doesn't have to provide that for you if you have a healthy place to get it somewhere else, and then that takes pressure off of your intimate relationship. So this is the purpose of true friends, is that you're actually able to feed each other in ways that take pressure off of your intimate relationship.

[00:16:40] Aaron: Yeah. We have a terrific episode on the voids in relationships. I think that's what we called it, where we did get into this exact thing. Like if you had an energetic void where your partner's not providing you something that you need a fill in. Like let's say your partner won't play sports, but you need to play sports. Well you can certainly find another partner and obviously if you're a male, it would be, it would be better for your relationship if that person was also male, but to get that feed somewhere else. And so definitely check that episode out if you guys haven't already.

[00:17:12] But I wanted to go back to what you just said where you identify your boundaries so you're being honest with yourself, like we talked about a few minutes ago. And you're getting clear on, on the preferences that you don't wanna bend on. So you're creating these boundaries and then you're communicating them. And when you said it, I can sense it's not talked about a lot in this world, [Mm-hmm] and the way you said it is laid out in a very logical manner. And with relationships, emotions come in and some people relate those two together, relationships and emotions. And so if you're not emotional about someone, then you're not in love or you're not into them as much as they are with you. But I feel like that also comes into play here where what you said, I could see may be controversial to some people, but when you remove the emotion from it, it's conscious. It's the most conscious that you can break down a relationship. Because if you're not willing to bend on something, and if the other person wants you to, then you're in a compromised state and then you're not fulfilling yourself. And then if you're not fulfilling yourself, you're not gonna have any energy to fulfill that person.

[00:18:17] And that's really one of the major things that we're trying to bring to light and within conscious relationships, is that both people should remain on their path of becoming their Authentic Selves and you should be in support of that person in doing that. Otherwise, you're not getting that person's full potential and why would you wanna rob that person that you say that you care so much about of becoming their Authentic Self? But also, if you end up growing apart, why would you wanna hold that person back from growing? So, this is beyond the emotional part of a relationship. It really is respecting each other on just another level as a growing being, just as you want to be respected. And I just wanna bring that to light and have you add whatever you want to it, and we can get more into it in the complete conversation.

[00:19:01] Alexander: Sure. Yes, yes. And to wrap up this part before going into that complete conversation, I just wanna bring up that it helps to be clear in what you're falling in love with. There's a path to fall in love with your life, and then you want to bring somebody into your life that supports all of these boundaries, all of these things that are important to you. That's gonna be the attraction point is that they support that path. Or it's that somebody falls in love with a person and then they try to mend all of these preferences together. And that's what happens the majority of the time is people think they fall in love with the person, but love is developed over time, and this is where we're gonna get into those five breakdowns because attraction happens. Sometimes people say, "Well, it was love at first sight", and I don't really buy that, but I buy attraction at first sight. And even the idea of a woman and a child. They have nine months together before they meet, so that love is developed too. So I'm looking forward to breaking that down. But shedding a light on these two different types of relationships of whether you're looking for a person to fall in love with, or you're looking to fall in love with your life, and then find a person that supports that lifestyle. I'm looking forward to diving deeper.

[00:20:19] Aaron: Yeah, Alexander, I'm loving this conversation and I am looking forward to continuing it on the other side.

[00:20:24] Alexander: Woo!

[00:20:26] Aaron: All right, we're back on the complete conversation and we got a lot to discuss, so let's get right to it.

[00:20:32] Alexander: Looking so forward to it, yes.

[00:20:33] Aaron: So let's go back into what I initially brought up, which was when you're in a relationship and that initial friction comes in where you judge something or they say something, or, I mean, it could just any little thing that happens that causes friction within you. And again, we're just gonna bring in the two types here because there are probably two major differences. One, if you're a 5 profile in the Human Design, you're probably most likely going to internalize because you don't like confrontation. And I guess if you're working on yourself and trying to be conscious, you're gonna try to find ways internally to resolve the friction and find a different perspective around whatever the issue is so that it's not an issue and you never even have to bring it up to that person. [Mm-hmm] I think that's probably the gold line there, right?

[00:21:16] Alexander: Yes. Yes. That's the loose goal that you want to set, but most people need to go through a lot of stages before we get there.

[00:21:23] Aaron: Yeah. And the other side would be somebody who would just like, say it out loud, "Hey, I noticed you did that. Why do you do that?" or maybe even say, "I don't really like that you did that." Or, "Why are you drinking soda? That's gross." You know, it'd be something like that. Yeah.

[00:21:33] Alexander: Confrontational. Yes.

[00:21:34] Aaron: Yeah. Yeah. So in this realm, no matter what the person out there listening would do, what would be the ultimate, like bringing conscious in here to resolve the friction, whether it would be to say it differently to that person or work within ourselves?

[00:21:53] Alexander: Well, to begin with I'd like to bring this to the forefront because when you're able to realize that, we'll just call it a trigger. That's kind of a popular term now, when you get triggered. I like to be inquisitive and we've talked many times about being the investigator rather than the judge. And when a trigger is triggered, you're being the judge. You're judging something in your environment. And I like for my first thought to be like, "Okay, let me step out of this judge role and let me go into this investigation role." And the investigator isn't interested in right and wrong, it's interested in all the variables like, "What has led up to this?"

[00:22:34] And so one of the very first questions is, "Why am I allowing this to trigger me?" or "What is this reminding me of in my past?" Because that's typically what triggers are, is someone presently is playing a role to remind you of some unfinished emotional healing that you're still carrying around. Because I feel that you won't get angry unless you are carrying anger in you. You won't be sad unless you're carrying sadness in you. So, when people bring these issues to you or these challenges, they're actually being your teacher.

[00:23:07] So see, when you can take the judge out of it, then you can learn from the situation, which is one of our five main pillars, that everybody and every situation can be your teacher if you're interested in learning. So if you go into it right there, you feel the trigger, you go, "What is that connected to in my past? Am I gonna give my power away?" And that becomes the new competitive game, is those of you that are competitive externally, you turn the competition internal, that when you get emotional by something that somebody does or says that you lose that match, or that little game, or that opportunity. When you feel that trigger coming on and you are able to shift it, then you so-called win that match or that game. And that became like just an internal game for me. And see, I'm just competing with myself.

[00:23:58] Life is going to bring you situations or people or situations to come up. So if this is in an intimate relationship thing, the goal is that if you work on the trigger, I've proven hundreds of times the person will stop playing that role. And if they need to still play that role, cause it's part of their personality, they will find somebody else to play that role with. And all this happens subconsciously. So this is why doing your internal work, within the relationship and getting away from telling the other person what you think they should do or shouldn't do, or should change, you change first. And if you need to confront this person about wanting to have a conversation, I like to suggest leading with, "Hey, is there anything that I'm doing that is rubbing you the wrong way?" And they may or may not bring up anything, but that kinda leads into, "Well, would you mind if I'd like just shared something that I've been observing for a little while?" But when we put ourself in the place to be so-called judged or being willing to hear our shortcomings, I feel like that's a great buffer to help the other person to be more prepared to possibly share their shortcomings.

[00:25:14] Aaron: And the term judgment has often had some cloudiness for me, but I really like the way that, that you've described it in the past, which is something that you feel like should be different. And I really use that a lot and because when you feel like something should be different, it's a lot different than what you were saying. If you can bring in the pillar of "Everyone can be your teacher" then you're giving it like a usefulness, [Mm-hmm] and it's telling you about yourself. And another thing I wanted to bring in was when it is telling you about yourself, one thing that you can also do is take what they're doing and turn it internal and try to see where you're doing something very similar.

[00:25:52] Alexander: Very similar, yes. That's another great direction to go because they could be mirroring something that, that you do to other people, or to them, that you don't even realize. And many times, especially people that have been working on themselves for a little while, the things that irritate us the most is when people mirror things that we've done in the past that we feel like we have moved past, and then we want to help that person to move through that stage so fast because we've had this experience. But see, we can't direct somebody else's speed of doing the work, so to say. So this is where that teacher role comes in and if the person carries a high level of maybe teacher being one of the first two that they're interested in being in the relationship, see, they're gonna go straight to that. But the receiver, or their partner, may take that as judgment right away. And so that's why I say when you're able to lead with asking what your shortcomings are or something that they may be wanting to talk to you about then it opens that door so they don't feel so judged.

[00:26:58] Aaron: And no matter the type, you know, if you're the person to just blurt it out or you're the internal person, it probably would help to get neutral on the situation first, or as neutral as possible, so you're not emotional when you go to ask if you can, because the frequency in which you say the words that you choose are probably gonna reflect where you are internally at that moment.

[00:27:21] Alexander: Yes. So well said, and I'm glad you brought that up, because it is part of the process to allow these emotions. And this is why when we come to an impasse, or to friction in the conversation, that's when we need to be willing to separate and allowed to see that you're not running away from the problem, you're taking time to go process, or that's with the intention. Everybody doesn't always participate, but that's certainly my high interest and I think that's yours as well and many of our listeners.

[00:27:53] So when you go away to process, give yourself the permission to be upset. If they offended you, if they made you angry, if they frustrated you. See, if that energy has been created in your mind and you were that judge, part of shifting into that investigator is releasing that energy. But see, you don't need to do it at that person. You can just maybe cry some and be upset and maybe say out loud, "I really don't like it when you talk to me that way". And yell it if you need to, if that's the way you felt it, because you're just getting the vibration out and you are making room to get closer to that neutral, to get more in the vibration of wanting to communicate rather than talk at the person. And if we don't release those emotions, we can go in and it will be very much both parties talking at each other and again, trying the competition of who's right here rather than, "Hey, I really wanna understand where you're coming from and I'd really like you to know where I'm coming from. And what you did say there did offend me, but I'm not saying that you meant it like that." See, always give the person the opportunity to clear up what did they mean when they said it the way that they said it. Because a lot of times it is a misinterpretation because of a trigger being activated.

[00:29:11] Aaron: Yeah, that's a huge one. I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt, and if I do feel an emotional reaction over maybe the words that they chose, before I would allow myself to become emotional I will ask them, "Can you clarify what you meant by that so I'm understanding it properly?" I think it also gives them like, the groundedness and the space to then rethink what they were trying to say, where maybe they said it with emotion.

[00:29:34] Alexander: Yes. And even giving them the opportunity to say, "Hey, it's fine if you need a little bit of time to think about that or process it." because again, most people are gonna come to their real truth when they don't feel the pressure. There's a lot of this that can be done out of spite. It's not just the technique, it is the vibration that you're carrying. So, for example, I used to have the mindset of "I'm going to teach what I teach and whoever learns it, learns it, and whoever don't, don't." And when I think about like, there's so many teachers in our public school system, and I wanna be grateful to all the public teachers out there and all the private teachers as well, just teachers in general. But many people get stuck in a rut of how they teach something and certain people are only certain people are going to get it. And I find that the optimal teacher is one that finds a way for everybody that they're talking to, to learn.

[00:30:27] And that's why a lot of this philosophy we talk in general terms, but we talk and mention the Human Design and the Destiny Card system. That does help us break this down to very, very specific ways. Like Aaron was mentioning earlier of him being a 3/5 profile in the Human Design and me being a 4/1. And we do operate differently, and what that means is we communicate outwardly differently and we take in information differently. And knowing those specifics are very, very useful so optimizing this whole philosophy is understanding your Authentic Self and understanding and learning about the machine, so to say, or the vehicle, our bodies, our beings, and how we have been influenced throughout our lives is directly connected with resolving these triggers and resolving a lot of these communication issues and relationships.

[00:31:21] Aaron: All right. Let's say that we go through this process. We internalize take time to work through the emotions of whatever happened that caused friction, and we're not able to remove it from our head. It's not going away. It's still bothering us. So, then I feel like the next step would be to ask if there could be a time when you could bring this up in a very neutral fashion, cuz you don't want to just come out and start yelling it or allow it to fester inside of you because then it will come out when you're emotional. I mean, because the whole point is to communicate, right? [Mm-hmm, right.] And so if we're not trying to be conscious to bring something up, then it's gonna come out in a way where it's not gonna be received at all.

[00:32:04] Alexander: Yeah. And you're not always gonna be able to process every situation, depending on the seriousness of it, in a matter of a few minutes or a few hours. Sometimes it may take days. But communicate that with the other person. Let them know, "Hey, I'm still working some things out with this." But in my world, nothing is more important than resolving a communication issue. So if I tell somebody I need some processing time, then it's going to happen like right away, and it's going to happen as quickly as possible. And normally I'm not gonna move on to something else in life until that processing is done. Now, sometimes we have to do things like run errands or maybe go to work or whatever, but anytime my mind is free, I'm going to go to processing that. And not everyone, again, is gonna be that interested in processing and communicating.

[00:32:55] And this is getting back to what I ended the first part with about this is why it gets down to whether you're falling in love with a lifestyle and a direction of your life and finding somebody that supports that, or you've fallen in love with a person and you're going to try to adapt your life to that person. And I know we're gonna get into that more further down the road, but I did want to touch on that right there.

[00:33:20] Aaron: Okay, so we've asked that person for time to talk and maybe we set a date, we come together, we discuss it, and we want to be as conscious as possible in choosing the words properly that mean what we're trying to say authentically, to explain what's happening within us. I don't know if you could give some good examples of some conscious communication on how to bring something up that could be offensive or personal to the other person.

[00:33:46] Alexander: Yeah. Well, I think we've taken something for granted that I think needs to be spoken here. It's always suggested that two people that really care about each other make a simple agreement that anytime emotions come in, with either one of them, that there is a kind agreement to separate and not continue to talk about that subject because you can't consciously communicate and be emotional simultaneously. And if you're looking to truly communicate, the emotions have to be set aside. And this is why some of this processing of if you're angry, then you know, beat on a pillow. Go find a pool or a body of water to jump in and scream under. There's ways to get that energy out and we were talking about processing the energy before, hoping for that conscious communication.

[00:34:35] So when you are going to have to share again, something with somebody that may be challenging. Anytime that you can point out something that you're working on helps. To say that, "You know, it's really hard for me to admit that I'm insecure, but I think about it every day. I feel like I work on it every day. Here are some ways that I'll work on it. And I know this may be a subject that is very delicate, but I want you to know that I'm coming here to support you, and I want you to feel that like we're on the same team. I'm not judging you, just like I hope that you don't judge me when I'm working on my insecurity," and then give, like whatever the issue is.

[00:35:15] But it's just basically a way of when you're not emotional, you can be compassionate. When you are emotional, emotionally charged, the compassion kind of goes out the window. So I think the key is understanding that just because we're engaging doesn't mean that we're gonna solve this in this setting. If one of us gets triggered and goes into our emotions, okay, can we pick later on today or maybe tomorrow to bring this up again? Because again, it's not avoiding the situation, it's giving time to process. And different types of people need different amounts of processing. I happen to feel that, I don't know if it's my type as a 4/1 or just because I've practiced it for over 25 years, but I can normally process without even having to be alone. I can still be in the conversation. I still be around the group. But I can process pretty quickly. And some people need more space, more time. They need to get away from people depending on like how many white centers they have in their Human Design because they're being affected energetically by everyone around. So of course, studying yourself and your makeup and studying your partners and their makeup is the ideal way to build this type of communication that we're talking about.

[00:36:34] Aaron: So I feel like I'm gonna be vulnerable here. One of the issues that I have within myself is looking for a resolve.

[00:36:41] Alexander: Alright.

[00:36:41] Aaron: And, you know, sometimes just understanding the person, it's helpful and it can lead to that friction to dissipate. Because now you're understanding like, maybe if they said something and they meant it a different way and this is why they said it that way, like, that's fine. But I find myself in the past expecting maybe a resolve, or maybe that's the goal is to like have this conversation and there is a goal to agree maybe?

[00:37:04] Alexander: Well let's get clear in the definition of resolve, because does resolve mean that the other person see it the way that you see it?

[00:37:12] Aaron: I would say most often.

[00:37:13] Alexander: And that's important to see that that's where most people see resolve. But resolve can also be that, I completely understand where you're coming from and you completely understand where I'm coming from. Now, there are areas in connecting with other people that we all have to bend on. But this is why, again, in the beginning we talked about boundaries and about there being certain things that you're not necessarily willing to bend on. And for a lot of people, that's their spiritual or religious path.

[00:37:44] And at one point, you know, my mother married a man that didn't go to church. He didn't enjoy going to church, but he would take her to church. And it was always confusing to me cause I knew how important church was to her, for her to not just find somebody that enjoyed going to church. So see, there's no judgment there. They found a way to work it out, but I don't know that that didn't hinder their intimacy.

[00:38:09] So again, if your end goal is as deep of intimacy as possible, that doesn't mean that somebody has to see things exactly the way you do, but that you understand the way that each other sees it. And if that's not a deal breaker, and if it is a deal breaker, those are normally ideally best to be discussed in the very beginning of the relationship. And this is what has been lost in a lot of culture is the dating and how important dating is. And people jump into relationships really too quickly, or they have a lot of fling type of relationships going on simultaneously. The point is, is that intimacy is being avoided and intimacy is being vulnerable.

[00:38:52] So now I'm gonna bring this back around and how can we take it from what you just said now with this definition of resolve, because that does create frustration when we can't get someone to see our way. But is it truly seeing how we feel? Or is it that wanting them to see it and agree with us? Because those are two different definitions of resolve.

[00:39:17] Aaron: I feel like the way you mentioned, okay, now we can understand how each other works or processes that issue, whatever it is. But to me, like I can get there, but then what? Because I feel like there should be like an action item. Like, going forward, this is how we deal with that. Because I now know how that person looks at this issue and they now know how I look at the issue. But I'm still gonna look at it most likely the same way, and they're still gonna look at it the same way. So if that's not resolved, if there's not some sort of, like you mentioned, bending on a certain issue. If it requires bending, because maybe it would dissipate with just understanding. But let's say it doesn't. If something's not discussed right then and there then, you go away. Maybe the friction's gone right now, but it's gonna come right back up. Because then like I can imagine myself in this instance where I have more questions because once it comes back up again, I'm like, "Okay, we discussed it but, I thought maybe it would've changed something, but now it's not?"

[00:40:15] Alexander: So maybe the resolve that you're looking for is what I call acceptance. See, bring in the soda. Say that you find out your partner drinks soda and how long you wanna say that you've been together a month? Six months? I mean that would show up pretty early.

[00:40:30] Aaron: Yeah. Yeah, it would. But let's say like two, three months. Yeah.

[00:40:32] Alexander: Okay. So hypothetically two or three months. And they're drinking soda. They're drinking soda around you. You stopped drinking soda a long time ago. I did too. But you bring it up that it bothers you. Okay. Well first of all, are you clear in why it bothers you? Let's just say that the reason that it bothers you is for health reasons, and you don't want that to hinder the person you loves' health. Well, if that person says, "Well, I want to drink sodas", then the way that I see it is you have only a few choices. Obviously, you're in love with this person because of the person, cause that action doesn't support your path, it doesn't sound like. And when we're in love with the person, for the person, this is where we have to bend more to their preferences. And in that situation, in order for it to be harmonious, you have to accept, "Okay, I don't do that, but I gotta accept that my partner, they're going to do it until they don't do it anymore." And in my opinion, the more you worked on your resistance to it, the more likely they would be to shift wanting to do it, and that's the way the energy works.

[00:41:44] So see, that's individual self-development work being done in the relationship. And if both parties work on that preference, because again, we don't have the right to project our preference onto someone else. But if we can work in acceptance of something that's not a dealbreaker, then you may just meet in the middle down the road.

[00:42:09] But again, practicing acceptance like this is leading you toward a more peaceful life. It's getting you away from control issues, and that's what a lot of this is connected to. And so looking for that resolve and what is the resolve? The resolve in the J.U.S.T. Philosophy is always acceptance. Can I accept this or not? If I can't accept it, then I'm accepting that friction is always going to show up where this is the case. So then it is a question of, "Okay, do I wanna build a life with this person or do I love them enough to just be their friend and not be around them so much to judge them because they drink sodas?" So, you are either going to accept or you're going to suffer. And there's many different ways to accept, and again, accepting something does not equal condoning or approving of.

[00:43:01] Aaron: And again, if it got to this point where I was bringing it up, I would hope that I would've already gone through my internal and looked at where I might not be holding myself to a certain standards because of course I eat some things that I would probably judge if somebody else did.

[00:43:16] Alexander: Yeah. It's like finding what is your soda.

[00:43:19] Aaron: Yeah, exactly.

[00:43:19] Alexander: That it doesn't have to be the exact thing, but more than likely there is something that you eat that you know that you shouldn't and when you see them drinking sodas, that's your trigger. It reminds you of the guilt of these things. And so again, this is how people play roles. This is how relationships can be very useful. But the work is always internal and it shouldn't be projected.

[00:43:39] Aaron: Yeah. And I definitely wouldn't wanna bring something to somebody's attention, and then have them point to something that I do. You know, I just don't like that. I wanna make sure that my house is clean before I ever bring something to somebody's attention.

[00:43:53] Alexander: Yes. And there are people that are different levels of self-development, that they learn a little something and they want to go talk about it right away. They want to point it out to people all around, and this is where we fall into respect. That many times a person isn't respected to point out things until they have a certain amount of tenure of actually years of doing the work or working on breaking patterns and that type of thing. But unfortunately, most people get excited and they learn something new and they wanna share it right away, and that can be offensive to some people.

[00:44:25] Aaron: And so, we had the conversation, maybe something like this happened where you didn't see eye to eye and so friction was created and maybe you did make the agreement to step away if it did get emotional in the conversation. So now we're away from our partner. We're kind of reviewing and reflecting upon what happened. And so, that's where the majority of self-development work is gonna happen now if it hasn't been happening, or if it has. But there's a bigger opportunity now that there is friction to reflect upon a bunch of things that I wanna bring up. One is, like we brought up earlier on, is the roles in relationships. And if you want to go through the four roles and then we can look at how they could possibly cause friction that we're not seeing, and we can bring consciousness to it now, so people can then take a step back and look at the roles that they feel like they wanna play and then maybe the roles that their partner may wanna receive and how it could possibly be causing friction now.

[00:45:22] Alexander: Yeah. And the four general ones that I like to start with is the protector, the teacher, the provider and the nurturer. And I happen to feel that all of us carries different amounts of all four of those. And to be able to list those very clearly in order of importance that, and this comes from like what fulfills you, like some people, like you mentioned with your dad gets fulfilled by being the provider. See that, through my relationships, has been at the bottom of my list because I've always enjoyed being with strong women that were more than capable to provide for themselves. And that was more the agreement of, "I'll take care of my wants, if you'll take care of your wants". I didn't have very many material wants because I was into self-development, but I wasn't going to tell or guilt my partner for being into wants. If they want to do what it takes to provide that, then you know, I don't have any issues with that.

[00:46:25] So listing those again as the protector, the teacher, the provider, and the nurturer. That is very helpful to be clear with both partners in how that they not only see themselves in that list, but then what they're looking for in a partner. Because a lot of times that's why a person can't seem to please somebody is that doesn't mean they're not doing things, they're doing a lot of things, but it's not what their partner's looking for. And I think this is a huge obstacle.

[00:46:57] Aaron: Yeah. It's similar to the love language in a way, but I feel like it runs deeper because it is kind of like that default mode of the energy that you're bringing to the relationship. And we even have an episode on the two questions of what you want and what you wanna bring to a relationship, and that's something that people can also go back to as well. And that plays a large role in this.

[00:47:18] Alexander: It does, because most people aren't aware of what they have to offer somebody else in relationship, and then they're not aware enough of what they're truly looking for to receive in the relationship. So again, this isn't just a mental outlook. It can be seen as so mentally stimulating but see, all this is connecting to that the more clear you are on these and the better you can communicate it, the less emotional friction you're going to go through, which the less draining of the energetic field that's going to happen, and the more spiritually connected you're going to feel.

[00:47:55] So, although this process can seem linear or logical, it's actually working on all Five Levels simultaneously. But the mental level is where the judge resides. So that's why processing some of this and understanding this intellectual way or this linear way of looking at the roles that we play, how it really clears up and brings all Five Levels into balance. And by the Five, Levels, again, I want to mention that is the Spiritual or Religious, and then the Mental, and then the Emotional, the Energetic, and the Physical.

[00:48:30] Aaron: And so now I wanna bring in the wants. Getting clear and honest with yourself about what your wants or what your boundaries are. Because I feel like between the role aspect, and you could also say like love language or attachment style in a way, if you wanna bring all those in. But it's really the energy that you wanna bring to a relationship and the energy you wanna receive, [Mm-hmm] and getting clear on your boundaries and your wants. I feel like these two things are probably the majority of issues where it stems from at the root where it comes from because you're never gonna just understand, "Hey!" you know, " Why aren't you providing? I want a provider!" Like, it's gonna manifest in other ways. Like, why didn't you buy me something when you were at the store? Like, it's gonna turn into that and then you're never gonna get to the root unless you get grounded and I guess have this awareness on some level to ask these questions.

[00:49:19] Alexander: Yes. And I think it's useful for all the listeners to jot those four down. And again, it's the provider, the teacher, the protector, and the nurturer. And just hand those forward to your partner and lightheartedly just ask them to put those in order of what they feel like they bring, and then the other order of what they feel like that they are looking for in a partner. At the least, it's a great conversation piece. At the most it can change two people's dialogues and communication completely.

[00:49:53] Aaron: And adjustments can be made if you truly love each other on a deeper level.

[00:49:57] Alexander: Yes. And when you make your list of what you are or what you're interested in playing in those roles and what you're looking for, that doesn't mean that, again, with somebody you really care about that you're not willing to flex a little bit in that. Maybe not bring the last one up to the top and take the top down to the last, but maybe shifting like one space or so is very realistic. And if both parties maybe shift one space, see that's like two spaces shifting, and this is part of relationship work. That it shouldn't be just your way or the highway. If you want that, then please just stay single. There's nothing wrong with that.

[00:50:38] So first of all, I think it's important for everyone to ask themselves if they really want to be in a relationship, because that is relating. You're more interested in the relating than you are the self. And this is why I like to suggest that people stay single long enough to do an ample amount of self-development work and then bring that into the relationship. But once you're in relationships, the relating, that becomes really more important than the individual's work. And it's almost like counterproductive. But if you pull away in the relationship too much to work on yourself, they will feel that pull away and that will create issues as well. So it is possible for both to be done simultaneously, but again, you really need two people that are on the same path or interested in the same path. Because to ask somebody, a partner, to do this level of work that's not interested in this type of lifestyle, is not likely to get very good results.

[00:51:41] Aaron: And so what if you're in a situation where you just can't resolve a certain friction, a certain argument or whatever, and it just keeps reoccurring. And I feel like this happens where people aren't, again, a hundred percent honest with their boundaries, with their wants. And when that partner's not meeting it, I think especially for 5s, they can just drag out the relationship and wait for the other person to leave. [Yeah.] To wanna leave.

[00:52:06] Alexander: They, yeah. Either they leave or just really hope that they change. And when we are projecting and we're hoping that this person is going to change, that's normally not something I'm going to invest in too deeply. It's more important to see how this person stimulates you and your growth and the interest like in the directions that you want to be going. And just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're meant to have a relationship with them or that you don't need to adjust the relationship with them. Many people cohabitate together that just don't cohabitate well together, but it's our culture. And when people are married, that's what they do. And that's why I mentioned earlier that Sherri and I lived in separate homes for 10 years and we played and practiced those masculine and feminine roles depending on where we were. When we were at her property, she was the authority when they were here-- and see that gave her a break cause I came in when they were three years old, so I came in, in the stepfather role, so to say. But I didn't wanna be seen as that hard to deal with stepparent. But I saw that I was being put in that role to be the teacher, the authoritarian, that type of thing. And it gave her more room to be, of course, the nurturer. But that was going to create an imbalance and it was going to be more challenging for me. So that's why I wanted that balance, and that's how we did it. I'm not saying that that's how everyone else should do it. I just like giving that as an example because that did work for us.

[00:53:37] Aaron: And I do want to bring it back cause I do feel like it comes all the way back to what you brought up about do you wanna fall in love with your life or with an individual. I don't know if that's exactly how you put it, but let's bring it all the way back to that. Because if somebody does want a conscious relationship, this might be where it would start, right?

[00:53:56] Alexander: Yes. Yes. And I haven't talked to very many people that have considered those two different paths. I think most people just think of relationships and, "Oh, I'm looking for this serendipitous moment where I meet my soulmate" and that type of thing. And that does happen from time to time, but many times it is a process. And again, people will adapt due to codependency issues and they justify it in their own minds. They will bend over a boundary that they're really not going to bend on very long but they don't accept that, they don't acknowledge that. And then, yeah, they explode down the road.

[00:54:37] I knew of a couple that the lady cooked lasagna every week for 12 years, once a week, because the first time she fixed it, the husband went on and on about how good it was. And he didn't like it. And she took that as it was one of his favorite meals. And they did that every year for 12 years until he finally shared with her that he didn't like her lasagna. And they were able to laugh about it at that time, but see that kind of investment is what a lot of relationships are built on. And it's just really a time bomb waiting to tick. And this is why learning to be honest with ourselves first, and then learning to be able to communicate that honesty is very important. And know what you're willing to bend on and what you can bend on and what you're really not willing to bend on. And again, there's nothing wrong with loving somebody but not being in an intimate relationship or cohabitating with them and realizing where the relationship is. And this is very possible, but our culture in the way we approach relationships is either very codependent typically, or very detached. And conscious relationships are in between both of these extremes that we experience mostly in our culture.

[00:55:52] Aaron: Yeah, so I guess it does come back to being your own Authentic Self first, and then operating from there. And I did like the example you just brought up about the lasagna. That was pretty, pretty funny. And, and I hope we don't have a craving for lasagna again after saying that. Um, But, uh, one last question, so are you saying that there's no perfect person out there for us?

[00:56:12] Alexander: Well, I'm afraid that that's the case and in a lot of my sessions, I'll be talking to just say a female that has a male partner, and she'll say, 'Well, I want him to be more like this and I want him to be more like that." And see, what keeps me out of my opinion is I look at their Human Design and I look at their Destiny Cards and that's what I feel like is their Divine design. And then our friction comes in and our traumas come in when our family didn't support that design. And in the consulting about the relationships, the female goes, "Oh, I wish he was more like this." And I can look at the design and go, "Well, he's not designed to do that." So see if he does that for you, it's going to be like an expiration date onto where he's going to get tired of doing that because it's not in his natural flow. But see, if he was not doing that but it is in his natural flow, then I can say, "Well, hey, if you work with communication and he's going in that direction, more than likely he will develop into that."

[00:57:18] But see, it's hard for me to support someone's wants when it's going against their patner's natural design, so to say. And that's really just to avoid pain down the road. So, I would suggest to her that if you got this leading energy, if you got like more decisiveness is what hypothetically this person was asking for, and that he would make plans and all that kind of thing. Then you have to give up the compassion, the patience, the gentleness that he has. You don't get both in many people. And that's what most people don't realize, is they're trying to fulfill unrealistic expectations of a person. And not many people carry the polarities. If they're kind and nice and patient, then normally they don't live a lot of leader type of qualities. And if they're leaders and their work is important to them and what they have to do here for the world, many times what suffers there is intimacy in the connection. Neither one's better than the other, but to be realistic of what you're asking for. And if you're asking for opposites, then know that you're setting yourself up for failure right away.

[00:58:24] Aaron: So, we like to give homework, or things for people to do, and I think we'd probably go back to "The Four Roles in Relationships", and maybe offer that for people to sit down with their partner or even themselves and get what they would like to give and what they would like to receive, right?

[00:58:40] Alexander: Yeah, I think that would be a great exercise. And again, the four general ones are protector, teacher, provider, and nurturer. Have fun with that homework, both yourself and maybe sharing it with your partners. And we hope we've helped you to get more intimate with yourself and those around you.

[00:58:56] Aaron: Appreciate the conversation, Alexander. And for everybody out there, listening.