Inward Journey Ep 1: It’s a Family Affair

[00:00:20] Aaron: After four years and over 100 episodes, we are evolving the podcast and introducing a new storytelling format, detailing the challenges of a family of fictional characters as they relate to one another in a myriad of diverse situations that we often experience in our lives. Following each story, Alexander and I will highlight aspects where characters experience challenging moments and communication failures.

[00:00:49] In the third segment of the conversation, we will be expanding our initial observations and breaking down the practical tools and techniques you can use every day to make adjustments in similar situations. The wisdom shared in this expanded part of the podcast is part of our new premium platform called Whys Wise Complete Conversation. Where we offer step by step ways to improve your relationships, communication, emotional processing, and strengthen your self growth practice.

[00:01:22] Join Alexander and me for the complete conversation by visiting wisewhyspodcast.com. Click on the "Get Complete" button in the upper right and follow the instructions. Support this podcast for $8.99 a month and receive access to all new premium episodes, as well as our entire back catalog of a hundred hours of content.

[00:01:45] We're also planning things like a member only forum, exclusive Q and A's, and other goodies that you will be the first in line to experience. For those on the fence, you will still hear the ongoing story and the initial reaction from us, as well as full access to five episodes from our past catalog rotating every month. Certainly enough information to inspire an internal curiosity, creating a hunger for the complete conversation.

[00:02:16] So now here is the beginning of the story. Let's journey.

[00:02:21] Story Teller: Wise Whys - Inward Journey

[00:02:27] Episode One: It's a Family Affair

[00:02:32] It's a damp and misty evening on an East Coast afternoon in April. The wind is calm and the birds are busy gathering their evening meal as Louise walks towards her car.

[00:02:42] "Goodbye Love and thank you for letting me drive your car."

[00:02:46] "Drive safe and good luck with everything," Mr. Childroth yells from somewhere towards the house, but out of sight.

[00:02:52] As Louise backs out of her driveway and begins her two and a half hour drive to her son's house to visit him, his wife, and their two kids, the sunrise are almost blinding as she heads west towards the mountains of North Carolina in her black on black 2018 Cadillac Escalade, she borrowed from her fairly new boyfriend, Mr. Childroth. She loved the car and the looks she gets while driving it.

[00:03:16] The seat warmers help with the brisk air as Louise rolls down the window and presses the automatic sunroof to open while waiting at the stop light. She drifts away for just a moment with a vision of an optimal visit with her daughter and family while chanting. "I am enough, I am loved and others value me." She had recently learned about positive affirmations and was starting to practice them daily.

[00:03:41] As she takes off and drives another 45 minutes, she's enjoying the beautiful weather and her new car. She feels excited about seeing her grandkids and giggles out loud just a little. She continues deep breathing while repeating her mantra over and over.

[00:03:57] Finally, in what seemed just a few minutes, her GPS announces "you've arrived at your destination". She slows to stop as she enters the beginning of Janet and Michael's long driveway and puts the car in park. Louise doesn't know it, but her son, Stan and his wife, Stevie is going to be there as a surprise. They arrived the night before so Stan and Janet could plan their strategy at handling their mom and how she manipulates them against each other.

[00:04:27] Louise pauses and glances over to see the sun begin to disappear over the beautiful spring mountains, smiles and continues to repeat, "I am enough. I am loved and others value me."

[00:04:39] She grabs the rear view mirror, looks at herself and says out loud, "You are a great mom and the best Nana in the world." She readjusts the mirror and slowly begins creeping down the driveway with a huge smile and full of confidence.

[00:04:53] See, Stan and Janet's relationship with their mom, Louise, has been challenged and they have been frequently estranged from one another over the last 15 years due to miscommunication and poor judgments in the past. Stan and his sister, Janet have often accused their mother of being overbearing and self-indulgent, as well as controlling [manipulative] throughout their lives. On the other hand Louise's view is that her kids are not appreciative of how she sacrificed for them growing up as a stay at home mom.

[00:05:25] Eleven years ago, Stan and Janet's father, Walter, passed on from, well, a long battle of diabetes. After Walter's death, Louise turned to travel for many years to redirect her life. On one of her many journeys to Hawaii, she met Mr. Childroth, about six months ago. Her latest adventure includes developing a social media influencer platform, sharing her travel adventures.

[00:05:49] She feels Janet and Stan are not willing to recognize her as the mom she was and continues to be. Not to mention her kids being ungrateful for her material gifts and not recognizing the importance of her presence in her grandchildren's lives.

[00:06:05] Louise arrives at the house just as beautiful pastel colors begin painting the sky. Sounds of animals in the background and wind chimes make for a moment that Louise finds gratitude.

[00:06:17] Janet yells, "Sally, Zach, Nana's here! Come out!"

[00:06:21] The kids come running out through the screen door yelling "Nana! Nana! Nana!"

[00:06:26] Janet steps out the door, looks back at Stan standing in the kitchen, smiles and mouths the words "Brother. I love you. Please don't let her frustrate you or piss you off."

[00:06:39] Stan scuffs and grunts and walks in the opposite direction towards Michael's garage in the backyard. "I'll be in the shop. Don't worry, I'll be back up soon. Keep her entertained. I just need a couple of beers before I can deal with her." He was out the door as it slams behind him.

[00:06:55] Janet turns back around, walking out the door. "Hi Mom. Welcome. How was the drive from the triad?"

[00:07:02] Louise is so tied up with the grandkids she doesn't even hear Janet's welcome. See, Louise always comes bearing gifts for her grandchildren as well as housewarming gifts. Proper social manners is a constant with Louise as she has quite the social following and circle of friends.

[00:07:19] Candy and loud toys for the grandchildren are always sure to be a hit, especially since Michael and Janet work to regulate sugar in their home. This makes Nana's gifts extra special and why they get so excited to see her. Janet and Michael see it as undermining their parental style.

[00:07:38] Louise says, "Let them live a little, you two. You grew up on this stuff and look at you now. You made it pretty well."

[00:07:46] "Where is Stan?" Louise says looking around with a certain smirk of disappointment. "I thought he could properly greet his mother. Wouldn't you think, Janet?"

[00:07:54] "Well," Janet replies. "Well, you know how Stan is. He doesn't mean anything by it, Mom. Give him a break."

[00:08:01] Louis says, "You're always taking up for him. Thankfully, my grandchildren don't take after him. Do you precious?" as she grabs and hugs Sally, her granddaughter, around the neck, squeezing and making a high pitched "Ohh".

[00:08:14] At that moment, Stan, Michael and Stevie step through the door in a single file. Stan says "I'm here! Hey Mom, where's that sugar daddy, know it all Mr. Zenman?"

[00:08:25] "He's not with me today," Louise replies as she greets Michael and Stevie. "Hello Son and Daughter-in-law. Nice to see you two. Stan, could you please care enough to meet me in the driveway when I arrive? You know I'm coming and you know I always have food, gifts, luggage to bring in. [sighs] Anyway, one day my boy's gonna grow up and learn to treat a woman properly. Until then, I will love you the way you are."

[00:08:51] Stan decides to head towards the kitchen saying, "And there she is. There's Mom. The woman we all adore while seeking her approval. You always know how to make me feel so good, Mom." Stan continues, "Hey, everyone let's have a glass of wine or two. What do ya say?"

[00:09:10] To avoid further friction, Stevie suggests, "How about we all go outside and enjoy the beautiful sunset?"

[00:09:17] As everyone agrees, grabs their wine glasses and heads towards the back deck, the pastel colors begin to fade into darkness. The conversations relax, and the fire flies come out, and the crickets play a gentle supporting lullaby.

[00:09:31] The night is peaceful and laughter is present. Janet looks over at Stevie, grabs her hand softly and whispers, "Thank you for putting the fire out in there between Mom and Stan. That card she sent him, oof, has really got him on edge. It was a good suggestion to get outside. You just helped redirect everyone's mood. Thank you so much!"

[00:09:53] Stevie hugs Janet's neck with a kind smile and sits back in her chair. As everyone else is engaged in light conversation. Stevie drifts away reflecting on what Janet just said.

[00:10:09] Aaron: Well, Alexander, I feel like this is a good view into maybe an average family situation nowadays.

[00:10:16] Alexander: Yeah. I think this covers a lot of bases and as this new format continues to grow, I think the characters are going to continue to blossom and many people will be able to relate to the different characters.

[00:10:26] Aaron: Would you say that a lot of the reason why families are like this is because the amount of information out there about self-growth, self-development, it hasn't really been prominent, so people are just doing what their parents have always done. And those parents did what their parents have always done.

[00:10:41] Alexander: Yes. It's the continuation of family lineage and the majority of people on the planet aren't aware enough or really working to break that kind of lineage. So many times there's one extreme that raises another opposite extreme, and they just keep going back and forth like that.

[00:11:00] And of course, here on the Wise Whys, we're working to bring tools and processes for people to work to manage all of these types of situations. Because our family is the goldmine for self-development. But as we start to change and shift, it can be very tense. It can be challenging. And so here, we're beginning to see in this first story, just the outline of where the individual characters are in their so-called self-development or reaction to their family lineage.

[00:11:31] Aaron: Exactly. That's why we are here to help people, become their true selves and step out of that subconscious behavior that they've adapted to.

[00:11:37] Alexander: Yeah. Cause not many parents know how to raise a child in alignment with what's for their highest good or their cosmic makeup or to bring in the astrology in the way that the universe supports us to be. So that's why from the very beginning, we want to say that we're keeping judgment out of this and we're not saying that it's all the parents' fault. It's our responsibility as adults now to see where we may have picked up certain traits, but not blame and go into the judgment game.

[00:12:06] That's what keeps us from stepping into our authentic self and seeing everyone really as just a teacher or playing a role. And so that's going to be very fun, breaking down each episode and helping people to see where they're stuck in their family lineage and how to step more into their authentic self and to get different results.

[00:12:25] Aaron: All right. Yeah. Let's start with Louise. And she was the person who spurred the beginning of this story. So she seems to be starting her self development journey. As we noticed in the story, she had some positive affirmations that she kept reminding herself of to try to maybe get into that vibration and get herself to a point where she can interact in the way that she wants to with her children. I know at the end it seemed like the children also are doing that as well. So it seems to be a both sided thing. But if you didn't see the beginning of this, you wouldn't know that she was into that because she did bring a lot of heavy energy to the situation where the kids had to prepare.

[00:13:05] Alexander: So this is a good depiction of someone that is trying. And we want to show different paths without judgment and at different levels of people's development, that there is no right or wrong, but there are different stages so to say. And Louise happens to be fulfilling that stage of being new to all of this, catching the stuff that is popular because she's really into being a social media icon. And so she's really into the material world and bringing her view of spirituality into that where positive affirmations and those types of forgiveness work that she's dabbling with. But as we're going to see, it can create conflicts when different stages or different people meet and good intentions can really create even more complicated situation.

[00:13:56] Aaron: Yeah. As she arrived and she started interacting with the children that were there and Janet, who is the daughter, overall Louise seems to be somewhat self-absorbed and unaware of the subtle energies that are going on. And one reason I say that is because she was very defiant with the rules that it seems like Janet and Michael had tried to set boundaries at some point within their relationship where they didn't want certain things being given to their children. And it seemed that Louise is very defiant, trying to push her way, push her view onto them and still continues to do that.

[00:14:31] Alexander: Yeah and this is very common in our culture, especially where their grandparents, not meaning to, can undermine the parents direction. Sometimes I see siblings that get upset with their parents because as grandparents, they seem to be much different people and they'll say stuff like, why couldn't you act like that when I was a kid? And so bitterness and resentment can be created in that good deed. It should be possibly good enough that they are just different. But see, when resentment is present it's hard for the parent to allow their parent as the grandparent to shower with gifts and sugar and that type of thing. So again, we're going to expand on many different facets but this is a big one of how grandparents with their grandkids creates havoc for the parents in between.

[00:15:20] Aaron: Looking at this situation, I could see possibly Louise consciously or subconsciously doing it to maybe set up situations in which Janet would be paid back to how Janet may be treated her mother. And I know throughout my experiences, my sisters both have children and both of them have said, oh, now I get what mom was saying here. Why dad did this or said this to us. So do you think there could be like some subconscious payback there?

[00:15:48] Alexander: Sure. I mean some people would even call that just human nature and that's where the term passive-aggressive can come from. That a person wants to convince themselves that they're really not doing this to get somebody back but on some level they are, or they are aware of that. And many times with the triangle of grandparent, parent and grandchild, this can be created quite often. Because again, if Louise is carrying any guilt for failures that she did as a mother, she's more than likely subconsciously going to try to overcome that where the grandkids are involved and then many times not wanting to discuss the past, but only look at the present moving forward. That's very common for people that get introduced to the more glorified side of self-development work where you want to hold a certain perception in all situations and hope that prevails. And so it's not that Louise is doing anything wrong, she's just learning in her own way, but it's going to create some clashes with where her kids are and where their mates are.

[00:16:53] Aaron: And there might also be an aspect of Louise taking that grandparent role where they kind of have that perspective of I'm done raising my kids so I'm just going to sit back and enjoy only the good parts of the grandchildren and not maybe want to step into that responsibility of still continuing to be that parent role.

[00:17:11] Alexander: That's a key word. Responsibility. And not everyone wants to go through that responsibility of owning those failures from the past. And it's not at all that they should be dwelled in and just stayed in, but they do have to be visited and we're going to break down some forgiveness work and how the J.U.S.T. Philosophy would approach Janet and Stan the son, working with some forgiveness work with Louise. And then Louise has some forgiveness work to work on herself that right now is starting to play out that she's projecting onto her kids. So see, and then we have the grandkids, that we hadn't even touched base on, that's just absorbing this energy that's around. So like many families, everyone wants this situation to be better but, many times as the story is showing, they're approaching it from many different directions and so true communication or conscious communication isn't really happening. And so it seems to be creating ongoing patterns and so I'm looking so forward to dissecting that more and more.

[00:18:13] Aaron: Yeah, let's bring Stan in now. He seems to be a little detached or maybe he's very non-confrontational. He doesn't like confrontation. Cause right before Louise arrived, he seemed to hightail it to the garage or shop, to get a drink before coming in and approaching his mother there.

[00:18:31] Alexander: Yeah and I think that Janet may seek a little bit more approval than Stan does so it's harder for him to just put on smiley face. And so that's why in this situation, he mentioned that he might need to go drink a couple of beers just to knock the edge off because he's already very sensitive that his mom is going to set him off. That she's going to say something pretty quickly to which in the story she does. You know, she brings in belittlement and judgment right away about him being there and ready for her when she arrives so we can see that even though she is trying to change, and working with positive affirmations and forgiveness, she still continuing the same pattern.

[00:19:08] And this is what we want to bring that deeper level of the J.U.S.T. Philosophy's view of self-development and encapsulate all these different aspects. And these different characters are all touching on some good stuff, but they just don't have the complete picture and that's what we're hoping to reveal with the J.U.S.T. Philosophy and the Wise Whys.

[00:19:28] Aaron: And I don't blame Stan for being where he is, because he seems to be kind of beaten down and like you mentioned, at the end, Louise came in and she was almost like demasculating him, which is so hard to hear as a fellow dude and then she went on to say, " I'm just going to love you the way you are". So it's like this passive aggressive, but almost like, she thinks maybe she's accepting him for who he is but before that she said everything that was wrong with him.

[00:19:51] Alexander: Yes. And so see, this is the dichotomy that we all fool ourselves very consistently. This is why it's good to have people around us that we know we can love and trust to help us to see ourselves clearly . Because that's kind of what Louise is setting up is she's justifying in her mind. See, she's trying to make him a better man by pointing all of this stuff out. She doesn't see that she's tearing him down. So this is a beautiful example of what happens over and over again in families to where the phrase that I like to share good intentions of the death of a wise one. That both parties can mean well, but they're really just creating more and more friction in between each other. And that certainly seems to be the case with Louise and Stan here and it's such a shame because I think we'll begin to feel how much they really want to love each other. And that maybe Stan is a soft person and he's just avoiding confrontation as much as he can. So these characters are going to continue to develop and I think more and more people are going to relate with different ones more and more.

[00:20:54] Aaron: And lastly, I wanted to just touch upon Janet in this whole situation. She seems to just want everybody to get along. She wants to play that bridge and try to make everybody's situation and experience the best that it can and played the mediator role between everybody. So maybe she is a little bit of a people pleaser there?

[00:21:10] Alexander: Yes. And that there's normally at least one of those in every family. And I think that it's going to be important for her to relate to those people because they will more than likely develop an exhaustion of trying to be the peacekeeper, to be the one, the glue that keeps everybody together. And this'll bring in some of the three main questions of who are you, what are you passionate about, and what do you exemplify around Janet , because she's so busy playing so many different roles for everybody that we'll see how she holds up over a long term. But it's probably going to wind up being an issue like it does for a majority of people pleasers out there.

[00:21:48] Aaron: Well, I'm certainly looking forward to diving in deeper and getting to some of the root causes of all this and then how some of these characters, such as Stan and Louise and Janet can interact a little better to start their process of healing some of their traumas that they have within each other.

[00:22:03] Alexander: So we're going to be working with the past, the present, and the future kind of all simultaneously and giving different scenarios and suggestions of how to handle these awkward situations.

[00:22:14]

[00:22:15]

[00:22:40] Aaron: All right, Alexander. Now let's dive into the solution-based content here and we'll talk about the tools and techniques that the J.U.S.T. Philosophy provides us in these certain situations so we can offer other perspectives that some of these characters could take to try to heal and mend all these situational things for more conscious relationships.

[00:23:01] Alexander: Getting into these specifics is the specialty of the J.U.S.T. Philosophy. And I think we'll probably just pick up with Louise and where she has this air about her that gives off a certain deserving or a belittling of others, self-righteousness. And again if you know somebody that you're kind of relating to Louise, we're not getting into judging these people and getting into right and wrong, but we're really just helping to broaden the scope so that you can see it a little bit more in depth and learn how to work with it. Because the majority of the time, these people that seem self-centered, they don't think that they are. They don't realize that they are.

[00:23:41] And this is certainly how it's playing out to be with Louise is that, she has a completely different view that she's projecting on to her kids that they don't appreciate her and that they don't know what she sacrificed. And so a lot of that is defense mechanisms for guilt from failings. So, Aaron, what would you say is one of the main aspects of Louise that you really wanted to bring out and dissect?

[00:24:05] Aaron: Right from the beginning, when she jumped in her car and she was on her way to visit them, she started reciting the mantras, her positive affirmations. And it's curious to me, because she is such a self-absorbed person that she was saying, things like, I am enough. So it's interesting that there is that kind of polarity there where she seems to be overly enough, but then she also needs that positive affirmation. But it doesn't seem like in the story those positive affirmations are making a difference in her relationships. So I wanted to bring in perhaps another route they may take to get into the vibration to see their family like Louise was in this situation.

[00:24:42] Alexander: From the beginning, I really liked the phrase, "for the overall good of everyone involved". And so when working with some type of mantra or repeated verbiage to help with the subconscious to ingrain that, that practice can be very useful for some people. And some designs from the Human Design standpoint, like manifestors, are excellent at using that tool, but that's only about 10% of the population. So for a lot of other people, it can create a lot of frustration in trying to manifest and create these things and here we maybe want to just make another suggestion that instead of making it all about you, bring in the people that are involved and to talk about receptivity. What she may be really yearning for is to be received by her kids. And so rather than covering and trying to help up maybe some of her subconscious self-worth images that may be her materialism plays a role in, is that she may work with some verbiage that is about her being received different or seen different because she's having a problem understanding why her children see her the way that they do.

[00:25:49] And this can be connected to that she's running from the role that she really did play from their perception. And this is an important thing to bring in here is that when we are dealing with what has happened in the past it's important that all the listeners understand that you're dealing with people's perceptions, not what actually happened. That's why logic can really get in the way when you're trying to resolve problems and situations from the past. Because everyone's seeing it differently depending on their emotional filter that they're going through. And the more you try to force somebody to see your view, you really push them further and further away. So we're going to get into introducing how receiving is so important in healing. And here for her to maybe use in her mantra to be received differently. And that that would make her feel more self worth and raise her self worth by not being in friction with her daughter and her son. And so those are just some subtleties that just from the beginning to work with, there's nothing wrong with that so-called positive affirmation or the mantra, but really honing in on what you're really looking to experience and fine tune that just a little bit.

[00:27:01] Aaron: We did talk about her self absorbedness that it kind of seemed like she did have this need for recognition. So that was the really great point that you brought up there. But diving more deeper into that, if we bring in the part about the gifts again, how she was almost defiant against her daughter and son-in-law with the types of gifts to give the children. And there's almost like there could be a boundary issue there. Like maybe Janet and Michael haven't really put their foot down and had a conscious conversation with their mom. Maybe they've hinted around it, but it hasn't been enough to get her attention?

[00:27:32] Alexander: Yes. And so it probably is a boundary issue with Michael and Janet, as well as when a parent doesn't feel like they are getting the nurturing or the connection that they want from their children, then yes, they want to overdo it to get that love and that recognition that children can give. And so many times grandparents get caught into the types of gifts. See the grandparent Louise here in this situation could support through a nice conversation or communication with Janet and Michael. Could support their direction and bring them gifts that's still in alignment with that and still be a great Nana.

[00:28:11] But at this point, their communication is so bad that they're almost fighting against each other, which I see constantly in families when they really love each other. But there's so much bitterness and resentment there that they're really poking and prodding kind of like poking the bear and that's what keeps these emotions stimulated and really keeps families from healing and those wounds to keep on regenerating generation after generation.

[00:28:36] Aaron: So if somebody is in Janet or Michael's position in their relationship within their family, what is a good way to establish those boundaries?

[00:28:44] Alexander: Well, I think right off the bat, see that their parent is looking for something that they're not getting. So to have that conscious conversation might well begin by doing something kind or finding something that you truly appreciate about your parent and spotlighting that and giving them just a little bit of goodness, while you're bringing in hey, could you support us in this? Not that we want to regulate your gift bringing, we see how much it excites them, but if you can stay in alignment with us, then we would be much more of a team and it would be what we feel for the overall good of everyone involved. And that's what we're looking for is a win, win, win for everyone. And it's a whole lot more likely for that to be received. If, like I said, the parent went to their parent, which is the grandparent Louise in this situation, and Janet just really did something kind and showed appreciation. Not gifts as much as just appreciation that Louise is struggling to find. But she gets it when she brings the grandkids, these special gifts that mom and dad don't give. So that just makes her look extra good and then if it gets regulated, it makes the parents look bad and she gets to shine more. So a lot of this can be subconscious, but many times it is consciously done. And unfortunately the kids are being used against each side. And so the conscious way on Janet and Michael's side is to throw her a bone so to say, find something to compliment that's genuine. I always want to bring out something genuine and then bring in that support for the grandchildren.

[00:30:23] Aaron: I love that point about them asking Louise to help support them in their intention and not just say, can you stop doing that? Because that's like introducing a negative and that energy is the push and pull. You're kind of pushing away and the natural reaction is to push or pull back.

[00:30:40] Alexander: And so normally the person that seems to be the problem, they're hurting somewhere. So to be able to find a way to authentically give them a little bit of what they're looking for so that they don't have to go to the grandchildren to get that. They still will, but not to as much of an extreme as in this example of giving the sugary food.

[00:30:59] Aaron: All right. Yeah. Let's bring in Stan now where he went to the shop to have a drink before his mother arrived. So it kind of shows that possibly he doesn't like confrontation or he maybe is a little detached or maybe just really worn down energetically from his mother.

[00:31:15] Alexander: We're not saying at this stage that Stan in as any kind of addict, but many times addicts are driven to that by an environment that they're around that just doesn't seem to ever give up or let up. And that seems to be how it's kind of being set up with Stan here is that he just has a really good idea, and maybe we could get even get into whether he's creating that or not, of what he's going to get when mom shows up, as he says, oh, there she is. Welcome mom. See, that was just showing that he knew that something like this was going to happen. But that's not likely to change until he gets to a point to where that doesn't bother him anymore. So again, remember that if you want something to stop growing, you stop feeding it. And from what I've seen through nature is the majority of things that grow need friction to grow. The act of a seed busting through a hole is frictional a caterpillar changing to a butterfly is frictional.

[00:32:13] It's all through nature. So if you take the friction away, many times the situation will phase out. So in self-development work for somebody in Stan's position is to accept the mom for who she is and not want or need her to be any different. Because see, she needs to feel received before she's going to go through any kind of shift or change and see that's the last thing that Stan wants to do on an emotional level.

[00:32:39] This is why our emotions keep us trapped. It keeps us from walking through the door to receive. But in this situation, normally the person that has been carrying on the pattern the longest, such as Louise due to the age here, it's normally the most challenging for them to change. So, this is why I do see it as the children's responsibility to adjust to the parent first and this is through acceptance. And again, acceptance doesn't equal condoning or approving of but it's that fact that Louise wants to feel just accepted and she comes there and she's on defense because she has a feeling that she's getting judged constantly about how poor of a mother she is. That's why she needed to say that affirmation in the mirror. Because obviously they've projected how poor of a mother she is so what's she doing? She's covering that up through projection and through positive affirmations and then we'll see if she is willing to discuss the past or not. Some people aren't. They just want to move forward. But we'll see how it unfolds and continues to unfold. But it's important to see the people that are relating with Stan and have an overbearing parent or judgmental parent or sibling or anything.

[00:33:51] The key is to get to acceptance while understanding that you're not condoning or approving of their behavior. And that acceptance starts with what Jesus and many great teachers have taught around non-judgment. To learn not to judge and not to need anybody to be any different. That if you know who you are, what you're about, what you exemplify, then you don't need to force your views onto other people. And if these people are continuously bringing challenges like Louise is bringing Stan. Stan's not clear in his three questions or he would be able to accept his mother for where she is and through that acceptance, she may be willing to change.

[00:34:26] Aaron: And can you just bring in the three questions for everyone?

[00:34:28] Alexander: Three questions are who are you, and that's mainly around what name or how many different names you go by or different roles you play. Then what are you about or what are you passionate about? What lights you up? What do you do when you don't have to do anything? What are you into studying? What lights your life up? What subject is that? What action is that? And then the third question is how do you exemplify what lights you up? So when you clear in those three questions and you exercise those three questions on a daily basis one could benefit by directing their whole life around those three questions. And the fact that that's what I've done over 25 years, myself, to where everything that I exemplify, everything that I'm passionate about and who I am is all very congruent whether I'm in a social situation or professional situation, that that's a consistent. And that's what I'm suggesting to people, and Stan and many people in this storyline right now aren't clear on even one of those questions and so much less all three .So therefore they're constantly knocking each other off of center and sending each other in downward spirals of emotions.

[00:35:33] Aaron: And within our family unit, when we spend a lot of time around our family, I mean, we know who they are. We kind of have an idea of how things are going to play out before we even go to a family gathering. So in this instance, like Stan felt like he had to prepare for his mother to arrive, but he also knew how she was going to act. So how can we utilize the fact that we know how people are gonna act in our presence for our advantage.

[00:35:57] Alexander: Yeah and the very first key is not to need or want them to be any different than they are. I share with people all the time, if you know what somebody is going to say before they say it, you have the upper hand. Where you lose is when you want them to say something different. And you allow that to get in the way. Because if you know how somebody's going to be, you can prepare with your response rather than reaction. But see Stan in this story so far, he's dreading his reaction. He knows that he's going to have a reaction. See, he's not standing in his power instead of what standing in the power would look like is that okay mom's coming, I know that she's going to attempt to belittle me. She almost always does. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to stand in that and I'm going to stand close to my wife and I'm going to hug her as she's doing that to have an experience of love and compassion while I'm accepting my mother to attempt to belittle me. And then I want to go up and give her a hug because that's what I know she's really looking for. And then to maybe say something like, I always want to work to be a better son and to treat you better, Mom. Because that's what she's really looking for. He doesn't have to go through the guilt and the abuse and the judgment. That only happens if he wants her to be different than she is.

[00:37:11] But the key that I'm attempting to share here is that she will be different once he accepts her for where she is and gives her a little bit of what she's looking for. That doesn't mean he's just giving in to her. Because remember, he's got a resistance to that because of her self righteousness. But her self-righteousness is there because of insecurity. We need to look past what the person is presenting because normally that's a reaction to a hurt that's going on. And I think that that's very important for people. To look past what somebody is showing and realize that the majority of the time that's covering up some kind of hurt. And if you can get into compassion vibration, you can actually help that person change.

[00:37:49] Aaron: So it was interesting that we brought in Stan's lack of acceptance for Louise because it was Louise who pseudo practiced how she was accepting Stan for how he is, even though all for remarks prior to that did not exemplify what she was talking about.

[00:38:05] Alexander: Yes, and see, this is why it's not just Stan, but everybody can utilize this. One of our main five pillars is everyone in every situation can be your teacher. And this is all that this perception is, is that you're using that person as, what are they teaching? What are they reflecting back? What are they bringing up? And in this situation for Stan to work with accepting his mother, because he can see that she's struggling to feel accepted. Therefore. She's bringing a gummy worms and sugary candy to grandchildren to get their acceptance. And then she even needs to pull one of them in and hug them and say, I'm the greatest Nanna aren't I? Like she's looking for that confirmation. So see when we can step out of our emotions and we can view things through a non-emotional view that's consciousness, we can see what the person really is looking for by what they are projecting.

[00:38:59] And so Louise needs to be received. Therefore she projects that she's not being welcomed properly, that she's still busy trying to help her son and not seeing him as an adult. And the sooner that we can learn our roles as an individual to not let other people and the way that they choose to use their words and their actions to knock us off our center, the more of service we can be. So see, this is much different from detaching. There's no detaching, you're actually leaning into the friction. You're just not feeding it. And so, again, who are you? What are you passionate about? And how do you exemplify it? And that's the person that can stand through the storm of people's projections.

[00:39:40] Aaron: And then Louise also made a very demasculated remark to Stan and in that situation, it's hard to really know how to handle that. Other than to not let it show that it bothered you. And so Stan maybe even made like a sarcastic remark back just to kind of deflect it, but what would be the conscious way to handle that? If somebody did make a very demasculated remark to you?

[00:40:00] Alexander: I love the process of just always being able to say that's a very interesting perception that you have here. It might even be entertaining. It may be worth me looking at. Maybe there's something that I can work on. See that can be a neutral response that you can give to anybody at almost any time, because if you are truly into self-development work, you haven't belittled yourself at all by saying that. You're accepting the person exactly where they are and however they're saying it, and you're not taking it on and feeling a need to defend. When you approach life as a student, everyone is truly your teacher. So they're no longer your mom trying to belittle you. She's giving you an opportunity to stand in your power and standing in power does not mean any force. It merely means that you don't get knocked off your center. So to be able to come up with these little packages of words to respond, whether it's frictional or not, to just say, that's a very interesting perspective you have there. It could be entertaining. It could be educational. I'm always looking to grow. So thank you so much for bringing that to my attention. That can come across and be delivered in an authentic way and neutralize the situation. Because if you respond and you don't react and you neutralize that situation, it forces the other person to look at what they just said, or they just did. If you react in any type of emotional way, it justifies what they just said and what they just did. So this is the power of truly standing in your power, in your authentic self, but see, there's no aggression. There's no force. It's just a matter of not being knocked off kilter because that's when somebody does or says something emotional and then more things get projected on them.

[00:41:45] Aaron: And we were talking about the boundaries or lack of boundaries that Janet and Michael may have in relation to Louise. And we might be seeing it a little bit with Janet, with her people pleasing behavior around the whole situation where she was trying to help. Like at the beginning before Louise arrived, she was talking with Stan and trying to pump him up to get him in the right kind of energy level to be able to handle Louise. But then she was also there to greet Louise and I don't wanna say deescalate, but kind of just be the neutral between. Which I guess could be a good thing, but maybe you can also get steamrolled and just let Louise who's like the stronger energy just like roll over you?

[00:42:24] Alexander: Yes. I mean, it has its pros and cons like any other role that you choose to play, but see, no matter how hard anyone tries to please everyone they're going to fail because everyone's so different. So see, even in this scenario, as hard as Janet was trying to just be kind and loving to everybody, Louise still called her out for trying to protect Stan. And so see, in that situation, she's done everything right. She stayed out of the firing line and she still gets labeled with that. So this is why people pleasing very rarely pays off in the long run. Because if someone's looking to judge, they're going to judge, no matter how straight of a line that you paint. They're going to find fault in it. And Louise seems to be one of these types of people or characters that is going to project that fault more than likely because of insecurity and guilt that she carries from certain failures earlier in life with the kids and rather than owning any of that.

[00:43:22] And we got to be compassionate that that's very hard to own those types of failures, but that's what's really necessary to move through any kind of obstacle. And to remember that in this type of self-development work, you're not accepting things to roll over or to just please people you're accepting them for your own vibration. You're accepting them to get rid of the friction in your field. Again, you're not agreeing or condoning with the action, but you're accepting that this is who this person is, and this is what they do. My job is not to let who they are and what they do affect me in a negative way. And so that's the power of self-development. It's not that you're going to change the world and how everybody interacts, but you will have an effect on that because due to the laws of physics, when a frequency changes all frequencies around have to either adapt or it creates chaos and normally pushes something away. So we want to see that, that acceptance again, isn't seen as a weakness, like a lot of people do.

[00:44:25] It's not a passive act. It's a very active act. And normally what I'm talking about accepting is a challenge to accept. But once you accept, see you're not accepting and saying the way that you are is good and I'm good with it. It's just that you're saying I'm accepting the way that you are and I see the difference in the way that I am and you're helping to teach me something. And being more interested in what is being taught there as that student is more important than being right. Or more important than being judgemental. Or more than important than trying to help them.

[00:44:59] Because if you work on yourself, you will eventually change your environment.

[00:45:04] Aaron: Now, if somebody finds themself identifying with Janet in this situation, what would be a more conscious way for her to play kind of that role if they wanted to continue to do that?

[00:45:13] Alexander: Well, right off the bat, I think being more verbal in your communication. To just acknowledge to everybody that you're not choosing sides and that you do love everybody, and that you're there to be a little bit of a buffer. I think people pleaser can be useful when you let somebody know that, you've reached a line or limit there. See, that's different than choosing sides. You're playing more of the buffer and being willing to step into that authoritative role as well as the people pleaser role to just let somebody know when they've gone far enough. And that's different from choosing sides or saying, you shouldn't say that, or don't you do that, or any of that stopping kind of energy, it's just a hey let's taper it back, or let's go for a walk. That people pleaser is the one that can walk up to two confrontational people and invite one of them to leave the situation. So see, there's a role to refining how someone uses that energy, and that's just a good example. Working to utilize that people-pleasing skill to nullify or to dampen the situation through an invitation.

[00:46:16] Aaron: And could you say that somebody playing that people pleasing role, they're consciously choosing to play that role but also are they lacking standing in their own power and maybe they also aren't clear on their three questions?

[00:46:27] Alexander: Yes, and this is the process of why I suggest everybody work with exactly what you've got to work with and where you're at. Nothing drastically needs to change. And many times when people go through an awakening or something like that, they want to change everything around them. And you're going to benefit much more by allowing everybody to continue to play the roles they're playing and you be in the roles that you're in and observe them from a different point of view before changing your external environment. Because what happens if you change your external environment, like people leave relationships and they go, oh, you just don't want to grow and I want to grow. And then they'll go attract somebody that's putting on a show that they want to grow, but then wind up being just like their last one. And these are the patterns that we create. And so true self-development and standing in your power is that being able to stand in any storm or any situation whether it's verbally or involving actions. And to understand that your job is just not to be knocked off your center.

[00:47:24] This is why the family is the greatest place to go grow exponentially. Because when you can go and be around family and allow all your siblings and parents, and whoever's involved to be whoever they are, and you don't need to prove anything, you don't need to change their point of view. That's when you're really starting to step into your power. And again, this is different from just being the people pleaser passive person and just wanting to get everybody's approval. See this is you're working on your internal acceptance of everyone and not needing their approval. So as the people pleaser needs people's approval less and less, they're able to play that authoritative role to nullify frictional situations in an optimal way. So they have a great gift, but first is realizing that they're more than likely covering up a void first, and the way to work through that void is through accepting everyone for the way that they are while feeling good about yourself, where you're at in relation to them.

[00:48:21] Aaron: Well, if anybody has heard anything that they want a deeper dive into, we do have a hundred plus other podcasts that dive into all these topics, such as the three questions or the five pillars so look at the past episodes of the Wise Whys podcast for that. And for now, I'm looking forward to the next episode of this to continue the ongoing story of these characters and really investing our time and energy into learning their behaviors and further dissecting how they can get closer to consciousness.

[00:48:50] Alexander: And anybody drawn to diving more into your self development work and would like a private session, please reach out to me through any of the contacts [email protected] is a great place and we'll set up a private appointment and help you own your path to discovering your Authentic Self.

[00:49:07] Aaron: Well, thank you everyone. We appreciate it. Keep journeying!