In this chapter of Inward Journey, Stevie is on her way home from work and is still crushed by the disappointment of not getting the job she recently interviewed for. She arrives home to an empty house and has to be consoled by Haven. Once Stan returns home from work, the two have a very challenging discussion in which both engage in unconscious tactics in their attempts to win the argument. Some of the themes discussed in this episode are conscious relationships, expectations, conscious conflict resolution, roles, emotional responsibility and processing and many more.
Story written by: Aaron Keith & Alexander
Story read by: Elena Maggio
Music by: Alexander
Sound effects by : Alexander
[00:00:21] Storyteller: Wise Whys - Inward Journey
[00:00:32] Episode 10: Experiences Explained
[00:00:35] “Why is this happening to me?” Stevie cried out loud as she drove home from work. She was still in the act of processing the disappointment of earlier that day, after receiving an email that she did not get the job at the Montessori school that she had interviewed for the previous Saturday.
[00:00:54] To make the situation even more trying, she had not had an in depth interaction with Stan since Friday evening when they had their get together with Rio and Haven. She was dying to find out what Stan thought of the new neighbors, which had left her feeling overly anxious all weekend. She also missed not having his grounded and logical perspective for her to bounce her thoughts off of, leaving her feeling incomplete. To her, Stan was her security. He was always there to offer her a real life view to consider, even if she resisted hearing it half the time.
[00:01:31] On Saturday, Stan was away going over the upcoming job specs with his new work crew, as they spent a full day of team bonding at the launch of every new project. When he arrived home that night, Stevie was already asleep, laying her head down early after battling with a migraine throughout the day.
[00:01:52] On Sunday morning, Stan slept in but then was out the door quickly to meet up with his buddies for a full day of football watching. It was just how the weekend fell and Stevie had to keep reminding herself that she wasn’t being neglected. However, her negative thoughts would take over, creating more tears and more hurt feelings.
[00:02:14] As she pulled into the driveway, another surge of emotion hit as she failed to spot Stan’s car. She needed emotional support now and he wasn’t able to be there for her. The thought of being alone with all of these feelings was overbearing.
[00:02:30] As she headed toward the front porch, she overheard a car door shutting from the direction of Rio and Haven’s. Without thinking, she dropped her purse and ran towards their driveway, desperately calling out “Rio? Rio?! Are you there?”
[00:02:46] Haven, upon hearing what sounded like cries for help, perked up and rerouted her path toward the sound of Stevie’s voice. “Stevie? It’s Haven. Everything okay??”
[00:03:00] They both met at the edge of the fence, with Stevie instantly collapsed into Haven’s arms, wrapping them up in a tight bear hug.
[00:03:09] “Oh Stevie, what is happening? Is everything alright?” [Haven]
[00:03:12] Stevie replied somberly, “I can’t believe Stan still isn’t home. He’s been gone all weekend and I really, really needed him today.”
[00:03:21] Haven calmly responded, “Please, come sit and tell me all about it, Stevie. I will be right back.”
[00:03:28] Haven dashed inside and returned with a sage bundle and a crystal bowl. She then began demonstrating how to play it, moving in a circular motion, allowing the frequencies to bathe her. Stevie soon took over, closing her eyes and matching the tone with her voice mixed with her crying.
[00:03:50] Haven then lit the sage bundle and began walking around Stevie, fanning the sage smoke with a turkey feather, directing it onto Stevie’s body. After just a few minutes, Stevie’s anxiety waned and her crying momentarily subsided.
[00:04:07] Stevie’s ears perked up when she heard a car coming closer from down the road. She knew instantly that it was Stan by the blaring of Springsteen-like rock music. It was Stan’s guilty pleasure to rock out with the windows down when he was really feeling life.
[00:04:24] She turned to Haven with a soft voice, “Here he comes.” With a strong embrace she whispered on, “Thank you so much. Just what I needed. I definitely feel more balanced now. You and Rio have become such important people in my life.”
[00:04:42] Haven replied, “Sometimes life takes away what we want, to prepare us for what we need. We are Blessed. You are welcome, Child”.
[00:04:52] With that, Stevie scurried off, running her way up the front steps and into the house, calling out for Stan.
[00:05:00] “Hey Honey!” Stan said as he turned to her with a giant grin on his face. “Did you see the Panther’s game last night! A last second touchdown and walk off win! It was UN-believable!”
[00:05:13] His vibe felt contagious but Stevie reminded herself of all she had experienced that day and suddenly felt irritated by his overwhelmingly positive energy exuding from his being. She tried to hide her feelings of repulsion but her slight facial expressions gave her away.
[00:05:34] “What is it? What’s up with you?”, Stan said in response to Stevie’s face. “LIfe is GOOD, Man!”
[00:05:42] “Stan. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through today?!” Stevie forcefully volleyed back.
[00:05:49] “Uhh… No. I thought you would be excited and happy like me. I mean… you just got the job you said you wanted. You manifested it, right? What could be so bad? I thought we were all about being positive?” Stan jabbed somewhat sarcastically.
[00:06:06] Upon hearing Stan’s words, Stevie was overcome with a deep feeling of shame, embarrassment and self judgment. Stan was regurgitating all the things she usually said to him when he was in a negative mood, but here she was, not knowing or wanting to simply change her current state of mind.
[00:06:26] “Oh my goddd, Stan! I needed you here when I got home. I needed support. I’ve had such a bad day and now all you’re doing is attacking me!” She then let out a loud, “Ggggrrrrrrr Ahhhhhhh” out of frustration and stomped her way past him to the kitchen.
[00:06:46] Stan stood still in the same place, still staring in the direction that Stevie previously occupied. His mouth was open at the point of making a sound but nothing escaped. His eyes looked back and forth, as if to make contact with the imaginary crowd watching them spar and suggest ‘what’s with her?’. Internally, he just wanted to leave the scene of the friction and be alone or even go back to work, as this type of energy was really killing his high vibe. However, the trained socially acceptable part of him, caved in, and he took the bait as he walked slowly toward where she was getting a glass of water.
[00:07:28] [Stan] “Uhhh… So… I don’t even know what’s going on right now. I came home. I was in a good mood. I was happy to see you. I did nothing wrong and now I am getting yelled at and I’m not even sure why.”
[00:07:44] Stevie just wanted him to understand what she had been going through that day without having to utter the words out loud. The embarrassment that accompanied the feeling of believing the Universe was, for once, giving her something she desperately wanted… or even needed… and then to suddenly rip it away like that… was just… incomprehensible.
[00:08:07] [Stevie] “Stan, I did NOT get the job! Why can’t you take the hint!” Stevie directed at him in an overly masculine tone.
[00:08:17] Frustrated at her expectations of his mind reading skills, or lack of, Stan began to lose his mood and succumb to the influential energies that Stevie was projecting. “How was I supposed to know this? I’m not a mind reader, Steves! Last I knew you were saying you got the job... and you even texted me that during my Sunday time with the boys. What’s up with all that?”
[00:08:42] As much as she wanted to sweep it all into the shadows, Stevie knew she finally had to talk about it. “I interviewed for the job. I didn’t get it. What else is there to know?”
[00:08:53] Stan’s face showed a puzzled look. “Why did you text me that you got it then? I’m so confused.”
[00:09:02] [Stevie] “Fine! I did a tarot reading and it basically confirmed that I would get the job. I swear it was a sign! It’s what I’ve wanted so I was celebrating and I just wanted to share that with you! Are you happy now?”
[00:09:17] Stevie’s admission created an awkward pause. Stan’s face went from puzzled to confident, as he thought he had solved the problem.
[00:09:28] [Stan] “Well… Why would you think that? Why would you think the tarot cards would be absolutely correct? I mean, nothing in life is. Didn’t you just buy that deck and start using them like 2-3 weeks ago? I feel like something like that would be more of a craft, if it is even a real thing. Seems like something Rio would have good experience in. Did you happen to run it by her at all?”
[00:09:54] He paused for a brief moment and then continued his onslaught of thoughts. “And also, did you think you would just get a job with kids without having experience? Not trying to be mean here but just to bring some logic into this situation.”
[00:10:10] Stevie turned a deeper shade of mad as she felt attacked by Stan’s response, instead of the nurturing she was looking for.
[00:10:19] [Stevie] “Stan! I cannot do this with you right now. You are so frustrating! I saw the signs! I thought I was being Divinely guided. I don’t know what happened. And we never even had a moment to talk about our time with Rio and Haven, but I guess that will have to wait. Uggghhhh!”
[00:10:38] She broke down into tears. Placing her hands over her eyes to catch the drips, she made her way past him and up toward the bathroom.
[00:10:49] As she slipped by, Stan responded to her in a quiet tone. “Oh, Haven and Rio seemed to be pretty laid back and cool… All of this seems like something they would be knowledgeable in. Doesn’t seem like I’m helping at all.”
[00:11:07] Stevie offered no acknowledgement of Stan’s words as she entered the bathroom and shut the door behind her.
[00:11:21] Aaron: Well, Alexander, I can definitely see myself in both sides of that argument between Stevie and Stan and it just seems like a mess. There's a lot of things that we're gonna be able to talk about with this one.
[00:11:35] Alexander: Yeah. I think a lot of people's gonna be able to relate. Like you say, most people, I think, have been on both sides of these types of debates and disagreements and sometimes it's tough to receive back what you put out to other people.
[00:11:50] And whether it's intentional or not, Stan kind of gets into a little bit of that reflecting back of what he hears from her all the time. So I think there's gonna be a lot of dissection in very much depth in many different directions in this episode.
[00:12:05] Aaron: Yeah. And in like an argument, if you would call it that, like that, I feel like one person would think that they won, and maybe in this case Stan, because he, even though he was more on the calm side, he may think that he won or maybe tell his buddies, Hey, you know, we had this argument. I was the good person or whatever. [Mm-hmm] But there are things that both did that could be looked at more on like a subtle energy level.
[00:12:33] Alexander: Yes. And that's what, once again, we're not here to, to judge or criticize. We're just showing how these types of situations affect us on all five of the levels. Again, the Physical, the Mental, the Emotional, the Energetic, and the Spiritual or religious. And in this certain situation, Stevie is just off on all of those levels and Stan's actually riding a rare high, it sounds like. And so, when opposites attract many times in relationships, and many times those two opposites will play certain roles.
[00:13:10] But life does give us opportunities for those roles to be reversed. And it really seems like Stan relishes a little bit in that opportunity. But yeah, I think it's hard for him to find a win in it, because he can't seem to bring her back around through to the end of the episode.
[00:13:27] Aaron: So, at the beginning when Stevie's on our way home, there's a lot of internal reflection about what Stan is to her, and I feel like there's almost like an expectation of what the conversation or the sharing is gonna be with her. And I have to say that I've done this before, or many times, where you have an issue and you run through this scenario in your head where you feel like, "Oh, I'm gonna go talk to my significant other and they're gonna nurture me and we're gonna figure this out."
[00:13:58] And then you go to do it and it's nothing like you think it's gonna be, and you just get off on what your whole intention was and maybe they're not in the mood to receive or support you [mm-hmm] and then you have an emotional reaction because you had expectations on how you wanted to be received and then it's just like it's off the rails and you know, who knows where it ends up.
[00:14:20] Alexander: Yes. And a big point to make in that is my saying of good intentions are the death of a wise one. That we can go with the best of intentions, but the step that most people miss is really taken into account where this other person is on all five of these levels before we engage with that type of vulnerability, because that's really what it is.
[00:14:44] I wanna work this out. I think I've got a way in mind to start the conversation. Looking forward to resolving this. You know, but then pausing and going, "Okay, are they just coming outta something from being distracted? Did they just get off the phone?" There's many variables to help that situation be received because that's the problem. If it's not received and it's rejected or resisted, then it brings on an onslaught of even more emotions to deal with.
[00:15:13] Aaron: Especially if when you're bringing something up to your partner and you are talking about how something made you feel, and if it is about them, they may feel like, "Oh, this is my fault." and immediately beyond the defense. So I feel like sometimes it's good to clear up like, this has nothing to do with you. This is my own personal stuff that I'm experiencing.
[00:15:31] Alexander: Yes. And just to add on to that buffer that you just used, something as simple as saying, "This is the way that I received what you just said or did, but I'm not saying that this is the way what you meant, and that's why I wanted to share this. To make sure that I am receiving this the way that you intended it."
[00:15:53] And that can sound like a very simple thing to do, but very few people take the time to do that in their communications with others. But it can really help with that communication because you're not blaming, you're not accusing, you're just saying, "Hey, I might have misread something. This is what experience that just caused me to have." And if they, go right away, "Oh, no, no, that's not what I meant." And the receiver is willing to shift, that's the other key is the receiver willing to shift? Because we've all been in situations where we have corrected and then that still isn't good enough.
[00:16:32] So a big question that we're gonna get into here, is yes, whether people are looking to be right in situations or are they looking to be helpful and communicative in situations? Because again, anytime somebody is right, someone else has to be wrong. And very rarely does somebody that feels like they're wrong, are they open to shifting their perspective.
[00:16:57] Aaron: So we all have bad days and it seems like Stevie had an expectation she was gonna get that job, like we talked about in a previous episode where she used the tarot cards and thought that she was getting the job, found out she didn't, had this emotional reaction. So this is kind of past that.
[00:17:14] She's on her way home. She's finally gonna be able to talk to Stan, and then he's not there. And so this is kind of like piling up and luckily she runs into Haven. Collapses in her arms in like almost in a desperate way. So my question is, is there some sort of like attachment or need that Stevie isn't providing herself in some way? That she got to this point and then needed somebody to like share that with? Or is there anything that we could bring in here from the J.U.S.T. Philosophy that she could have utilized to not have a get to that point? Or is this also just part of human nature where we wanna share to feel like we're heard?
[00:17:57] Alexander: Well, I think in Stevie's case, we just happen to know her Destiny Cards and her Human Design. And so her design doesn't create the need for that. But we're very codependent as a culture. And there's reasons that that codependency is pushed while marriage is pushed because it brings two people to be accountable for like a loan rather than one person. So there's, there's agendas behind that. So that constant idea that everybody needs somebody else is constantly being supported, and when expectations exist, they normally fall like dominoes. And one expectation will run into another expectation, that will run into another one.
[00:18:47] And this is why living with intention, but outside of expectation, is the way to live a peaceful life. Is that with intention, you accept the Divine's way and how it plays out. With expectation, you want it a certain way or you're going to get upset.
[00:19:06] And so she had already been disappointed with the expectation that she was getting this job due to the (tarot) reading. And then she built another expectation of "Well, Stan hasn't been around all weekend. He'll be there when I get home." And then of course he wasn't. And then maybe even a third expectation of, "Okay, I'm finally going to get to see Stan and he's going to understand me", and then he didn't because he was in a different vibration.
[00:19:34] So I really want the listeners to listen to that domino effect of those expectations. We're not judging them. It's just shifting expectation to intention. Living a life of intention is a big aspect that is supported by the J.U.S.T. Philosophy.
[00:19:51] Aaron: Yeah. Thank you for breaking that down more in a, a simple way because that leads us into getting into their interaction further where she finally gets to see Stan, Stan's in a really, really good mood coming off a high from watching a sports game and Stevie almost expects him to know what she's been going through and then does not do a good job at communicating what she's feeling. And then getting more frustrated at Stan because one, he won't lower himself to almost share her frustration of what she experienced, but at the same time, she isn't really communicating it.
[00:20:30] And like this happens. I've seen it happen. I've done it. And it's a very unconscious behavior because when you can bring consciousness into it, simply she didn't share what happened. So how could he have any idea? But the way you kind of outline the dominoes, you can see how just that frustration clouds our vision into just expecting somebody to know what we're going through even because we don't even want to voice it because it maybe we're just so frustrated with it.
[00:21:01] Alexander: Yeah. And I think this is a good example of roles being played in relationships. And many times the person in Stevie's role just wants to feel supported without having to explain themselves. There's a subconscious blockage there because they know, as they explain themselves, they know how they're going to sound. But, With a lot of the masculine energy, and that doesn't have to be a male, but the masculine energy is the one that's looking to solve the problem. So they need to know the information so that they can solve the problem.
[00:21:35] And here's this ongoing, different frequencies, that many times relationships can be on, to where one's trying to help or fix the other one when they're not looking to be help or fixed, they're just looking to be nurtured. And in that situation, maybe Stan could've asked less questions and just gave her a hug or something like that.
[00:21:58] And those are the kind of things in the breakdown of the full conversation that we're actually gonna give some step-by-step things that both parties could do to help out in these situations.
[00:22:08] Aaron: Yeah and even some of the stuff that Stan was bringing up, like regurgitating a lot of the stuff that Stevie would say to him, which is around more of like affirmations or positive thinking and some of that can be almost just words if you don't really understand why you're saying those things. And she kind of got a taste of that medicine because she was frustrated, she was in her emotions, and him just saying those things means nothing, it actually creates more frustration because it's so hard for somebody to set their emotions aside and just like snap out it. Especially when somebody's telling them to snap out of it.
[00:22:45] Alexander: Yes. And that's very common and, and happens quite often with people first getting into the metaphysical world or different spiritual path. And they just want to share what they've learned, but when you try to direct people over a period of time and then you falter, many times that is going to be put right back into your face, because it's not about how much you can be in love when everything is good.
[00:23:12] I mean, being in love is a beautiful thing, but the challenge is when you are being challenged with confrontation or some type of loss. And can you remain in that love vibration? And that's where the spiritual level from the J.U.S.T philosophy's position is around trust and faith and nonjudgment. And that trust and faith is the ability to stay in that vibration of love or connected to the Divine even when the challenges arise.
[00:23:42] Aaron: Yeah, and that gets into some other stuff that I want to get into in the, the complete conversation around exemplification, which goes with what Stan is questioning Stevie about the tarot cards, about working with children. Why did she think that these things were gonna work when she doesn't have experience behind it?
[00:23:59] Alexander: Oftentimes when the logical or the mental level is brought up, it can really bring frustration to the person that's stuck in the emotional level. And that's why normally the emotional level can't be resolved. With the other person being in the mental level. We're just talking different frequencies, different vibrations. And that's why we mention all five of these levels, over and over, because if you wanna optimally communicate with somebody, meet them on their level.
[00:24:28] Aaron: And then lastly I want to get into, in the complete conversation, is how Stevie through that whole interaction was not grounded. And how or ways that she could have gotten grounded, got out of her emotions, and maybe tried to see it more objectively and neutrally, and then Stan initially seems like he is, you know, very neutral. But then we can get into how it seems like he is just detaching and almost creating more friction by being so lax in his responses and almost laughing at her because he's in a joyous mood and she's looks to be acting very overdramatic from his point of view. And so him, not even like trying to connect in a way emotionally, causes her to get even more angry.
[00:25:16] Alexander: Yes, yes. And we affect each other in that way. And you know, this is why discipline and structure is so important for people. For you to practice something consistently, so when you do get knocked off course, you have something in you to practice, to bring you back to be centered, whether that's breathing exercises or vocal toning, or grounding exercises.
[00:25:37] And so, Stevie didn't have anything like that established. And then yes, Stan, he's normally the one that is more centered and grounded, and in this opportunity, he didn't seem to be as supportive as he could have been for Stevie. But at the same time, he wasn't willing to give up his so-called good vibe to kinda meet her there. So there's a middle ground, and we'll get into how you can meet somebody at their level without fully letting go of the vibration that you're carrying.
[00:26:06] Aaron: Yeah, really looking forward to this one and breaking down all the subtle energies in that interaction, and I feel like many people can get a lot out of that because they're so, so common.
[00:26:16] So come over and join us in the complete conversation. Looking forward to meeting you there.
[00:26:20] Alexander: See you there.
[00:26:22] Aaron: Thank you for joining us for the complete conversation of episode 10 in the Inward Journey series.
[00:26:28] So at the beginning of this story, Alexander, we discussed the possible expectations that Stevie had on her way home of finally communicating with Stan and how the snowballing began and that was just one other layer when she realized Stan wasn't home there. But when we were discussing that in the initial free version of this episode, you brought up wanting to discuss whether we wanted to be right or helpful.
[00:26:57] Alexander: Yes. And this is a big question that I keep at the forefront of my mental capacity at almost all times. To remind myself that any time someone feels like they're wrong or they've been corrected, very rarely does that person feel right away inclined to take on the new information.
[00:27:18] And we have a choice of how we come across to someone of whether we are looking to be right or we are looking to be helpful. And I decided a long time ago that I get a much better feeling- I used to think that I get fed off of competition and winning or being right. And what that has matured into over time is that "No, I really look to be helpful".
[00:27:50] So in those times when I was being right, there was a part of me that felt like I was being helpful, because I was changing this person's point of view, but that really wasn't happening very much. I was just in a lot of debates and just seeing things different from other people, and it could even be frictional in certain conversations.
[00:28:10] So some of this is connected energetically to how we carry our energy. And when you are looking to be helpful, you just have a completely different energy makeup than when you're like in battle or in competition and you're working to win or to be right. And so that's the very first thing to look at is you know, your vibration and the difference between when you're looking to win something and when you're looking to truly help somebody.
[00:28:37] And so, in this situation, there wasn't much true help going on except maybe from Haven's standpoint. And I think that that's what Stevie was really looking for, was just some really nurturing and support, rather than being fixed, or being corrected, or anything like that. And unfortunately, most people don't know how to communicate that to people around them.
[00:29:06] And I like to give people three choices. Do you want me to just be a sounding board? And a sounding board means you give very, very little input. And some people are just vocal processors and they just need to say it out loud to hear it differently. Do you need a friend? And friends normally tend to look at things similarly to you and support you in your view. Many times, and of course there's different labels of these friends, but from what I viewed when people think of, I'm going to go to my friend and talk to, normally they're looking for somebody to support their view. And then there's the mentor type, or coach, of somebody that you respect and you go to them for help and you're not looking for them to just agree with you, you're looking for them to help you to see it clearly.
[00:29:56] And see those three roles are very, very important and we all need those three roles. But see if we can just take a few seconds to engage with ourselves. If Stevie could have took some time to say, "What do I really need here?" she probably would've gotten to, I just need nurturing. And that's why she responded well to what Haven provided. But see, that was not where Stan was, when he came home. And then she just expects him to, to see what she needs. And unfortunately, he went into fix it mode, like happens a lot because when somebody sees a loved one in distress, normally they start asking questions. And I would like to suggest a starting point to maybe just be a hug. "Can I give you a hug?" And then see if they want to give information first.
[00:30:48] So starting as considering to be helpful, many times the person needs to feel supported and nurtured first, and then they will give details or they will ask questions if they're looking for one of those other roles to be played.
[00:31:03] Aaron: So is there something that Stan could have done differently and maybe something that people could adopt when there's significant other, or a friend comes to them with something like Stevie had where they could ask them, what role would you like me to play in this situation? Or what are you looking for?
[00:31:19] Alexander: Yeah, I mean, I think being able to communicate just at that level to be able to say, 'Hey, I wanna support you in the way that you're looking for, how can I best support you now?" And most of the time if somebody says something like, "Oh, you should just know." Then that's normally gonna be default to support and nurture. If they've truly got an intellectual question that they want help with, they will come out with that question.
[00:31:43] So see, I'm willing to say that the majority of time that somebody comes to you with distress, they're looking for support and nurturing first. If they get that, then it may turn into asking for assistance or help, and so let it develop into that. But to see that most of the time when people are in distress, they're really looking for that nurturing and support vibration first.
[00:32:12] And earlier in the conversation, Stan may have been very willing to shift into that energy, but neither one of them took the time to kind of really check in where they were at. And I know it's challenging people when you are experiencing these emotions, whether they're so-called good and high vibration emotions, or so-called low and so-called bad emotions, but many times if you can still- while you're in that emotion, take a moment just to check in and remember, I don't know where this other person that I'm getting ready to engage with is at. And I need to find that out or get a sense of it anyway before approaching with this emotional body and whether it's in a so-called positive or negative direction.
[00:33:01] Again, I know it's very hard to pause in those emotions, but that's what practices like meditation and working to process and release emotions on a regular basis. All the things that the J.U.S.T Philosophy supports are the things that prepares us for these situations to learn to do it in these situations.
[00:33:22] Aaron: But most likely if somebody comes to us and they are in an emotional reaction, they're most likely going to be looking for support. Because even if we gave them the logical part of it, most likely they're not in a state of receiving it,[mmhmm] right?
[00:33:36] Alexander: Yeah, and I think it's a great practice for all you fixers out there and all you problem solvers, to just practice that as a default and just learn to say something kind, or to touch that person on the shoulder, or to give them a hug, some type of buffer. You're well versed in the solution oriented stuff, but many times people aren't ready for the solution when they're still stuck in the failure, so to say. And we need to have time to go through the process of releasing the failure before we're ready to build with the structure of the correct action or the more optimal action.
[00:34:17] Aaron: So it's almost like we gotta prime the pump, right?
[00:34:19] Alexander: Yes, Yes. And many times, by default, you can learn to not necessarily trust your first instinct, because most of the time people's first instinct is your pattern. So again, I'm bringing this back around, we've talked about it on tons of podcasts, but the importance of that breath and learning to take a breath before any action. Learning to take a breath before any interaction with a person. Because when you train yourself day in and day out to take that breath, then when you are in that emotional situation, you're able to take that breath. And like Stan in this situation, he's on a high. He knows he is on a high. He's listening to some rock music coming in and, at any point in time when Stevie come in, he could have paused his excitement, took a breath, and said, "Okay, I don't know what kind of day Stevie's had, so let me pay attention to where she's at before I share all of this excitement."
[00:35:16] And then they might have been able to have like a small conversation or something and then him be able to express that. We don't know because it didn't go down that way. But that breath, or that pause, or just a few breaths, can give you a whole different platform to stand on. But once you step in it, so to say, it's very hard to back up out of it.
[00:35:37] Aaron: We had talked about Stevie's possible codependency issues where she gets herself in this situation emotionally and everything's just snowballing, and then she's just kind of like desperately reaching out to anybody for support because she doesn't really know how to handle it herself. And there's many people who experience the same thing. And of course, we're talking about the J.U.S.T. Philosophy because the point is to, I don't wanna say not need anybody, but it's set up so that you don't need anybody. And we could even bring in the, all five of the pillars here that are there to help bring you back into a grounded perspective and kind of reset your way of thinking so we/you can get out of the emotional, but I don't know if you wanna expand upon that.
[00:36:24] Alexander: Yeah. I mean, we'll even just start with the, the very first pillar of Find the Divine Order in the Chaos. Or the way I like to say it to myself is, everything's in Divine Order whether I understand it or not. And most of our negative experiences is because we don't want to accept something that is happening in our life. And in that situation, soon as Stevie found out that she wasn't going to get that job, see she could have set and went directly into that first pillar and just said it over and over to herself and got into acceptance very quickly. I think she had an interaction with another lady that she brushed off in the story. And all of that could have been managed by working with intention, again, rather than expectations. And once you don't get something that you were hoping for, to once again be able to trust that that Divine Order, that that didn't come through for a good reason, but I don't know what that reason is. And so I still feel confident that this is the direction that I need to go, but I'm so thankful that the Divine is guiding me to the next opportunity.
[00:37:38] And maybe that gives her an opportunity to just see that she maybe doesn't have the credentials that she really needs to have the kind of job that she wants. So maybe it's time to take some classes or go to school or get some kind of certification. So see that that closing of an opportunity sometimes is just the catapult that we need.
[00:38:02] So once again, learning to live outside of our preferences, live in intention rather than expectations, and this is just using the very first pillar. And yeah, we have five pillars that I personally utilize through my own healing of over 15 years and what I use to bring me back to center every time something knocked me off. And that's the beauty of this philosophy and emotional processing.
[00:38:28] Aaron: And if you want to dig deeper into how to the pillars, that is episode 51 for anybody wanting to do that.
[00:38:35] But this just brought up something really interesting for me, and I've never thought about it in this way, but when you're following signs, unconsciously, like Stevie was in the last episode and myself in my past, you think that that is Divine Order, and that's the mistake. Because what you start to believe, the path that you think it's going, like you're almost like prejudging the path, you think that's Divine Order. And then so when something else happens, you can't accept that Divine Order because you thought this was Divine Order, right?
[00:39:05] Alexander: Yes. Because, most of the times that something has happened in Divine Order in my life, that was not my preference. And so, I really measure Divine Order by that. And if the Divine Order is in match with my preference, then I proceed with caution. And this isn't any kind of lack mentality. It's just that I would truly rather be in the flow of my life than chasing what I think that I want. And I've gotten so much more reward out of being in that flow of the river of life than I have gaining anything that I ever thought that I want. And I've lived in both worlds. Gained many so-called success in business in my dreams, and then it not turn out to be exactly what I thought.
[00:39:55] So yeah, that concept of if it's easy, and it happens, and the yeses are there, then it's like, it's in Divine. Order, I beg to differ from that view. And just say that you can trust the so-called Divine Order, the less preference you have, especially when using tools.
[00:40:15] So like in my personal life and professional life, I utilize a pendulum. But I only do that because I was the biggest skeptic of pendulums that there's ever been or anything like that until I was around a wonderful teacher and he shared with me just that premise that you have to be able to get to a place of neutrality to where you're not affecting it, to trust that the universe is guiding that in a way that is beneficial for you.
[00:40:43] And so see, when she was using those tarot cards, and as soon as she flips it over, she either has an approval or disapproval. And that just means it's either matching what she wants it to mean or it's not matching what she wants it to mean. That's not the optimal way to utilize these tools. That's the challenge that many, many people in the beginning go through because it's challenging for most people to get to or stay at a point of non-preference.
[00:41:12] And again, when I say non-preference, I don't mean that you don't have preferences. I mean that you can set your preference to the side at any moment to see something clearly. Because you do accept that if I have a preference, I'm not seeing this clearly. I'm seeing it jaded the way that I want to see it. And people experience this with other people's kids all the time. They hear the person talk about their kid, and then they get around their kid and they see the kid acting a different way. And they go, "Oh yes. Well they're seeing that through mommy goggles or daddy goggles", or something like that. And it's even accepted. But this is the way that anything that anyone's seeing through their emotions is jaded and it's not clear.
[00:41:54] Aaron: We haven't talked about the push and pull of subtle energy in a long time. And I feel like maybe this is a decent example of that because Stan starts off in a high emotion and Stevie is in a low and I feel like she wants him to meet her where she is, or at least it feels like that. And when he doesn't, it furthers her anger. So she's going more in the opposite direction, which is from his point of view, seeing it almost like overdramatic. So he's almost being able to anchor himself on the opposing side. So in that situation it is just growing in extremes. [Yes] But we don't see this all the time in arguments because sometimes both people are mad and they just yell at each other.
[00:42:39] Alexander: Mmhmm. Yes, and this can turn into a push and pull energy and it helps really to understand both parties involved, their Human Design, and it actually gives a visual of how you are affecting each other. So when both parties can know and understand that it, it furthers and quickens this ability to recognize the push and pull and then more importantly, what to do about it.
[00:43:03] So again, I wanted to discuss just a little bit about how you're able to meet somebody at their frequency, but you don't have to reside there. It's kind of like you're reaching out a hand to someone in some water, but you've got 90% of your body on land and you may even be holding a tree. And that's kind of the way it is energetically, like Stan could have recognized his excitement and went and held that in his abdomen. And of course this is a little bit advanced, but just hold that warmth in your abdomen, and then out of compassion, reach for her emotionally and energetically and just show, I really want to know where you're at and what you've been through. I was misled in the events over the last couple of days to think that you would be very, very happy now.
[00:43:56] And see in this, in that inquiry, in that compassion, you're not giving up that joy. You're not just leaving that behind and diving into this ugliness of sadness of anger. That's the beauty of compassion. But see, sometimes people don't want to be pulled out of that energy. And that's where I feel like everybody has the right to set a boundary and say, "Okay, no, I'm showing this compassion. I'm inquiring, but they don't seem to want to, to come out of that."
[00:44:26] And how you artistically get out of that is another art to learn over time, because many times people will try until they get frustrated. And if that's the case, you waited too long to make an adjustment. They go through frustration. "Well, fine it just seems like you want to just be there. So I'm going to go over here. You can have that." And again, that's the detachment, that's the energetic, like pulling away, where I want to discuss that ability to physically say, "Okay, well maybe now's not the time to talk about it, but I want you to know that I'm here and I'm not abandoning you. I'm not leaving you. I'm just giving you some space to process some, and I'm gonna be in this other room, and whenever you're ready to talk, you just let me know. Is that okay?" Because that person needs to feel supported, they need to feel like they're not being abandoned, especially if they have abandonment issues.
[00:45:21] But sometimes we need to physically create some space for some processing to happen. But as you go away, you don't go away thinking, "Oh, well that's just their stuff, and I'm not going to be around them if they're gonna stay there." It's more like, if you're asking them to do their work, then there is some work that you could do yourself. So when you go into the other room, it may not be useful to just turn on the TV and check out. It may be useful for maybe you to sit in some stillness, Stan in this situation, and then just say, ask or inquire, "How could I have better handled this? How could I have been more supportive? Maybe I could have called on my way home to inform her what time I was going to be home" or something like that. And that feels equal that both partners are working in the relationship. To where most of the time one or the other feels like all of it's being thrown on them.
[00:46:15] And I like to tell anyone that when somebody comes to you with an apology or some clarity that they got from that time apart, have something to give them back too. Show them that you were just as involved in that situation as they were.
[00:46:32] And this falls under another pillar of the J.U.S.T. Philosophy of Everyone, and Every Situation Can be Your Teacher. So that's why when you pull away and you give that space, to not just check out and detach, but to actually do some work yourself, because we can all always improve. And that's what self development is about.
[00:46:54] It's not about who was right and who was wrong. And in this situation, Stan might have fell in a little bit of that, of feeling a little bit self righteous, feeling like he was in the right and now he was gonna give her a dose of her own medicine and none of that helped the situation.
[00:47:08] Aaron: All right, so this is some stuff that I really want to get into because I have done this and I don't know if we ever talked about it to this depth. So even the audience is getting some good stuff here.
[00:47:21] So, yes, I do agree that that's kind of where Stan was and I kind of feel like, depending on what type of relationship that you want, the goal is to- because if somebody in the relationship is in that sort of space that Stevie is, then kind of the whole relationship is in a way.
[00:47:44] So it is important for him to help with that because the relationship for him is still in a state of distress as well.
[00:47:52] Alexander: Yes. It's actually in his best interest, as you're saying, to resolve the situation. But see, resolve doesn't always mean fix. Sometimes to get to a resolve, you have to allow something to have its process. And why space apart is very important, but that the fact that neither party feels abandoned in that space apart is very imperative. And just a few words of communication can help that.
[00:48:22] But the main thing was is that Stevie just really wanted something that she wasn't getting, and again, this is the pattern of expectations. As soon as you set that first one, there's gonna be a domino effect of multiple ones usually. And she wasn't getting what she wanted at any stage, even with Haven, she was looking for Rio. But Haven played it masterfully to where again, she didn't try to fix anything. She didn't try to have the so-called right thing to say. She was just assisting Stevie through her process. And then, Stevie kind of left some of that groundedness that she got with Haven and ran into the house expecting, once again, for Stan to provide something that she hadn't communicated.
[00:49:07] Aaron: So how would you handle it if one person in the relationship is unable to meet at a certain time down the road after processing the emotions? Because like I've experienced this myself being a 5 in a profile type in the Human Design where I tend to process, but then once I process I'm good and I don't need to talk about it.
[00:49:30] But, of course, the other person probably is wondering where my processing has led to. So there's that aspect but even like somebody unwilling to set a time because they have an aversion to structure and meeting at a certain time, because maybe they believe that relationship shouldn't be on a timeline.
[00:49:49] Alexander: Okay. Well, all those are good questions and multifaceted. So first of all, we're gonna get on the timeline. This agreement or this discussion, I feel like should happen before there is an issue, when everything is good and you're looking to build and support your relationship. And to say that for some people they just need a few minutes. Some people need a few hours. Some people need 24 hours. Some people need a few days. So see, we're not here to measure people's processing time. But I think it's important that everybody know their own processing time and be able to communicate that. And then anybody that's looking for resolve of any type of issue in a relationship and building a conscious communicating relationship, I feel like they would see the benefits of this step of processing and then coming back and sharing what you learned in the processing, because that's what gives the other person hope that they won't have to continue to go through this pattern for the rest of their life.
[00:50:57] But that is the kicker that many people that doesn't want to adhere to a, specific time or getting back and sharing what was learned. They're not necessarily consciously looking to break that pattern. And many times people want to have an emotional reaction. They want people to accept them in that emotional reaction and then be able to say, I'm sorry, or apologize or whatever, and it just be okay. And there's nothing wrong with that kind of relationship if you're comfortable with that, because that pattern's just going to happen over, and over, and over, again.
[00:51:33] And so some people call that love is that you just accept the person for exactly who they are the way they are. And I think that's beautiful. Anybody that is willing to deal with something like that for the rest of their lives. But in a so-called conscious relationship, both parties normally realize that they both have growth that they need to do and they're willing to do it. And most anybody that has done any type of growth in any area of their life knows how important structure and discipline is part of learning anything. And to any level of proficiency, there's typically a type of structure and discipline because we are habitual creatures. So the more that we practice something, the better we get at it.
[00:52:21] So I think that that can fully be understood in a conversation with your partner when everything is good and whether they're willing to hold themselves accountable over a certain period of time. And like I said, whether that's hours or days, I don't really feel like it needs to be weeks typically, you know, in most situations that people are dealing with, I feel like three days is certainly enough, but I'm not saying that that's any kind of law. Again, that's an individual thing.
[00:52:52] So that's getting people to being willing to be held accountable is the word that I was looking for. The structure and the discipline helps you to be held accountable. And many people in our culture, if they're not being held accountable by somebody externally, many times they'll let themselves slide.
[00:53:11] So, this is also helps to have a third party that can help hold you both accountable to where both parties trust that third party person, implicitly. And it's not about who's right or wrong, it's just about helping them to be grounded and stick to their structure and their discipline. And that's really what that third party was about.
[00:53:33] Now, what was the other part of that question?
[00:53:35] Aaron: Yeah, after hearing you say all that, I was just gathering that in the case sometimes with me where I'm a 5 profile type in the Human Design, so I have a problem with conflict. So I go internal and I'll process it myself over a period of time, but then sometimes I'll feel like I don't need to even talk about it. And that person's probably wondering, okay, how did you process it? What did you get out of it? So it's kind of the same prescription, which is, if I really want to have a conscious relationship, I need to push through that, make a time, and still discuss it.
[00:54:06] Alexander: Yeah. And share it. And that's leading by example. That if you wanna receive that, that it does become that, because this is part of the accountability. And here we bring in, another one of the pillars is Emotional Accountability and Responsibility. And that accountability is what builds respect in a relationship. Again, it's not about right and wrong, it's not about keeping score. But I certainly respect anybody that sees their fault and everybody has fault, and then they're able to share where they had the fault. And then they're able to share what they're going to do differently moving forward to not follow that same fault. And then they're going to normally ask for help to be held accountable, to make sure that they don't slip back into that old pattern. And that is just a very respectable action, those steps.
[00:55:01] And so when people come to me with apologies, I'm not a big fan of apologies. I don't really know what "I'm sorry" means. I don't know what I apologize like really means. I mean, I know in our English language what the definitions are, but I think we all wanna know that when somebody does something that we don't agree with, we want to feel that they're not going to do that again. And it helps to know what actions they're gonna put forth to make sure that that doesn't happen again.
[00:55:33] And so this is what I wanna bring in the new wave of the so-called apology is showing the so-called corrections that we're gonna hold ourselves accountable to, and we're gonna communicate that, therefore others around us can help hold us accountable even when we're in our blind spots.
[00:55:50] Aaron: Now what about in the case where there's a repetitive behavior that's been talked about and it happens over and over and it doesn't really seem like there's much ground being gained in growth away from it or even communication around it. I can see how somebody may become detached because they've discussed it over and over again. And maybe that person has acknowledged that they wanna change, but they're not seeing a change.
[00:56:18] Alexander: And this unfortunately is very, very common because a lot of people get this work on the mental level. But it's processing it through the other four levels that really means that you get it. And unfortunately, a lot of our culture stops at that mental level, and they can even talk about it, but then when it comes to putting in an action, it's all about the doing.
[00:56:39] If you're gonna create new pathways of being, you've got to practice a new way of being. And so I think this comes down to truly being honest with yourself of where you're at with certain situations and being honest with yourself of where you really see through the person's example of where they're at, and giving them the freedom to know that mentally they're there. Mentally, they want to change that, but emotionally they're just not. And until somebody moves through their emotions, it's not gonna change their energy field. It's not likely to change the spiritual level and it's not likely to change the physical. So see now we're just still stuck with, we're one fifth of the way there.
[00:57:23] And accepting that in somebody doesn't, again, mean that you approve of it or condone it, but you have to at first accept it to come to some way of consciously managing it. Because it might be something small that you can go- like I used to get bothered by people not closing doors and drawers. And then I was in a relationship with somebody that habitually did that. And so instead of me counting on them to change their actions, I worked on how much that bothered me. And then I worked through it not bothering me anymore, and then they stopped leaving drawers and doors open.
[00:58:04] So see, these are always opportunities for both parties to be doing work and due to the way that energy works, normally something doesn't grow that friction's not around. When I made my peace with the friction of the doors and drawers being open, and there was no more friction, in my view, there was no more need for her to do that. And so that is the optimal level of conscious relationships, is you're truly, you are working on your weaknesses, the things that bring in negative emotions towards you, and it frees other people from playing roles.
[00:58:39] Aaron: And then to wrap this up, I feel like this is a very important one, especially people getting into this work, doing the work, and the more you become aware of how you theoretically might want to change and do things differently, it invites self-judgment in. And in this episode we saw Stevie have a lot of like shame and self-judgment around like the tarot card. How she misread that and got all involved in a positive emotion. It caused her to go against a boundary that we talked about in the last episode where she texted Stan while he was with his friends and that was agreed upon to not do that.
[00:59:21] So in her conversation, like she keeps trying to not offer that information about how she did that wrong. And that's really the source of this whole thing because she had an expectation and that's what led to the whole downfall and her current emotional status. [Mm-hmm]
[00:59:38] So I feel like this is very important because like I do it a lot. I'm sure many other people do it a lot, that self-judgment because now that we know how we want to act in certain situations, when we fail to do so, we can have sometimes shame, self-judgment. And I know for me it's hard to want to share that with somebody. [Mm-hmm] Because you may feel judgment from them on it.
[01:00:00] Alexander: Yes. And this is where I feel like it's a great practice in humility to share often where you fail. And to realize that sharing where you fail isn't something negative or bad, like most of our culture sees it, but you're exemplifying an opportunity to grow. Many times when I share my failures, other people won't notice it. And they'll say, well you didn't do anything and nobody notices. And I said, but my energy field knows, and I'm just sharing with you to practice humility and let you know that, that I failed in that opportunity. I let what that person say, like hit a nerve with me. And so, the important part isn't whether people have an emotional stimulation or not, it's how fast you can process and move out of that emotion.
[01:00:50] And once again, we're gonna bring this right back to the five pillars because if you are experiencing shame or self judgment, which happens a lot, to go to one of them like right- the first one that I wanted to go to as soon as I said that out loud was that Every Person and Every Situation Can Be Your Teacher.
[01:01:09] So as soon as I go into that I can learn something, the judgment stops. And that's why if you can be the student, you will stop playing the role of the judge and the judged because the student has to have all this information to learn something different. So when you're the student, it isn't seen as I shouldn't have done this. No, I had to do this to know what this feels like. So there is no would'ves, could'ves, or should'ves in the student's view. Everything is useful. So that's what I will just leave people with because I could explain each pillar and how they could help. But I want to keep it simple here and self-judgment is such a big one that just really work with that Every Person in Every Situation Can Be Your Teacher, and all you've gotta do is be the investigator rather than the judge.
[01:02:05] Aaron: Yeah. So in this case, it was probably one of Stevie's first times working with tarot cards. Now she knows, you know, whether she chooses to use that information going forward. So if she does make the same mistake again, where does that leave her?
[01:02:19] Alexander: She won't make the same mistake again, but she may make a similar mistake. Because she will at least probably never believe in it that much, never rely on it that much again. And those so-called failures are what everybody that becomes extremely proficient at it, they have to go through those failures.
[01:02:41] That's the hardest thing to get people to see that people that you see as a success, they've had to go through the same failures as you just started, but then quit because of the self-judgment. And again, that's why I love watching documentaries on people and their perseverance and seeing where they're right at that place of being broken, but they persevere and they choose to learn rather than judge. And they continue moving forward and then something big happens.
[01:03:10] Aaron: Well, I appreciate this conversation, Alexander, and really liked how deep we got, especially with detachments, because I feel like that's something that I've struggled with recently in the past year. So I appreciate that.
[01:03:18] Alexander: That's a good one. Good one. So much love to all you beautiful people. Keep doing your work.