Inward Journey Ep 11: Self Doubt & A Few Beers

[00:00:21] Storyteller: Wise Whys - Inward Journey

[00:00:33] Episode 11 - Self Doubt & A Few Beers

[00:00:38] Just minutes after the video call with Louise ended, the oven’s timer sounded, alerting that dinner was ready. From the basement, Zach and Sally came running up the stairs yelling “food, food, food! We’re so hungry.” The whole upstairs was filled with the smell of lasagna that had been cooking since before the video call with Louise.

[00:01:01] Janet was holding a stern glare at Michael as he just glanced away at the floor, shuffling his feet from side to side.

[00:01:11] Zack ran past them both and asked, “what’s going on with you two?” as he slid into his chair at his spot at the table.

[00:01:20] Michael replied, “Nothing Son. Me and your mom were just talking.”

[00:01:25] Zack continued, “Did I hear Grandma’s voice?” as he squirmed and fidgeted light heartedly in his chair.

[00:01:33] Breaking her glare at Michael, Janet turned and softly said “Yes, we were on a video call with Grandma but she had to go suddenly. She had plans. She said to give you two a big hug from her.”

[00:01:46] Michael walked away from the kitchen towards the back door, rubbed Sally’s head and said, “Hey Sweetie, are you hungry? Go on in the kitchen and Mommy will get you some lasagna.”

[00:01:57] He paused, looking opposite from Janet. “I’m going out to the garage for a while. Y'all go ahead and eat. Don’t wait on me.”

[00:02:06] Janet replied, “Aren’t you going to eat? Oh, nevermind. Par for the course. Come on kids, let’s eat some lasagna. Daddy’s got some sulking to do.”

[00:02:18] As Janet and the kids headed into the kitchen, Michael walked towards his garage, opened and slammed the screen door, and then kicked a Thanksgiving decoration that Janet had earlier put on the porch, letting out a scream of “Damn it! I’m tired of this family’s bullshit.”

[00:02:37] As Michael walked into his garage, he flipped the light switch on that also turned on a small fan, grabbed his last 3 beers out of a small college refrigerator on the floor, turned on an old radio with rock music playing and dropped into a worn out and duct taped recliner. Just after sitting, he finished his first beer, crushed the can, threw it towards a trash can in the corner missing a little to the right. In one fell swoop, cracked open beer number two and kicked his feet up and murmured, “I’m about ready to live out here, away from all those women.”

[00:03:16] This garage was Michael's respite, or getaway. He often used it as a place to avoid certain people or situations as well as a way to get some alone time, in general. He always had a car or truck of some type that he would tinker with. Neighbors called on him from time to time to help with their automobile issues.

[00:03:38] He rocked his chair back and forth to the rhythm of the music while being lost in his mind, rehearsing over and over the events of the video call with Louise. For a few minutes he had a relaxed feeling like his evening was complete, but that was suddenly interrupted by the realization that he still had to deal with Janet about the whole Louise situation.

[00:04:01] He then stopped rocking, crumpled up can number 2, tossed it at the trash can, this time a little too much to the left. He then popped open beer number 3 like he was on a mission to save the day or run far away.

[00:04:16] Michael had been through a previous divorce, that seemed to revolve around alcohol and his avoidance of certain issues or lack of interest in discussing things with his ex wife Aaliyah. They have a son, Grayson Presley [14] that Michael rarely sees due to them living across the country.

[00:04:35] While drinking his 3rd beer, and now with a few less inhibitions, Michael started thinking of all the women in his life all the way back to his mother and grandmother.

[00:04:46] At first, anger led the way, finding fault in each one of them, justifying his superiority and lack of needing them. In a matter of minutes, his anger shifted to sadness as he recalled his grandma’s storytelling, his mom’s cooking, fun times with his ex wife, and Janet’s love and way with the kids. Over the next 30 minutes or so Michael’s sadness shifted to self judgment and thoughts of not being good enough and fears of being alone entered. His struggles to connect with any of these women of his past and present was very apparent to him, and these were a few of the issues he has continuously run from.

[00:05:29] As Michael sat hunched over with his head in his hands, his eyes watered and his nose started to clog up. He sat empty beer can number 3 on the floor to his side, closed his eyes and began to hear his fathers voice, “When are you going to grow up and be somebody? You’re not smart enough to own your own business. You’re not a man, with your drinking. I’m surprised any woman would put up with you. Your son is going to be a failure just like you are.”

[00:06:00] At this time Janet had walked down carrying Michael some lasagna. She was planning on just walking in, setting it down and leaving. But as she approached the doorway that was left ajar, she could see him sitting in his chair, leaning over mumbling to himself. She thought she even heard him crying a little. Janet suddenly felt a jolt of fear hit her stomach thinking of how Michael would react if he saw her there at his moment of weakness. She quickly and quietly set the lasagna down and went back into the house, undetected.

[00:06:37] Just a few moments, after Janet returned to the house, Michael crushed beer can number 3, looked at the trash can, paused for a moment, and then launched it. “Nothing but net!” he said out loud, as the can went directly in the trash can, after two failed attempts earlier.

[00:06:56] Michael uttered under his breath, “I’m just getting in the zone but I guess I better go inside and face the music.”

[00:07:03] Standing up from his Lazy Boy, he turned towards the door and saw the plate sitting there.

[00:07:09] “When did she bring this out? What did she see? Damnit, she’s a good woman bringing me food after the way I acted. They’ve all probably been good women. I seem to be the problem, like my dad always said.”

[00:07:24] Michael grabbed the plate, now cold, placed it in a microwave he had by his small fridge. He paused and whispered to himself, “I will warm that up a little later.”

[00:07:36] He then reached to an upper cabinet, pulling down a fifth of bourbon. Unscrewing the top, he murmured, “Well, maybe I will stay down here a little while longer. A couple of shots and eating before I go inside will probably help me sleep. Janet and I can talk some other time.”

[00:07:53] As he took his first shot he let out a “whoooooooooo! Or maybe she will just forget about it! Haha.” as he slammed down the shot glass on the table.

[00:08:04] Michael poured another shot and drank it quickly, slamming it down. He then got up, stumbling a little, he mumbled “what was that song I used to like?” Tapping his foot to an unsteady rhythm, he began to kinda sing. As he struggled with the lyrics, he continued tapping his foot and snapping his fingers, “naa naa na na na naaaana.” as he attempted to find the songs rhythm.

[00:08:32] With a freeing release, Michael said, “You said it, Bob Dylan. But I mean no harm, nor place fault on anyone that lives in a vault. But it’s alright, Ma, if I can't please him. It’s alright, Ma, if I can’t please him.”

[00:08:49] Michael, a little choked up, sat in his recliner, leaned it back, closed his eyes, and slowly drifted to sleep.

[00:08:58] A couple of hours later, Michael woke up to the sound of a text coming in from Janet, “Where are you? Are you coming in tonight?? Are you ok? Are you sleeping in the garage???”

[00:09:10] Startled and a little surprised, Michael wiped his face, looked over at the microwave and noticed the food he never heated up. “Well, eating never happened. She’s going to kill me. Wow. Great job, Mikey boy… Maybe you’re right, Dad. Maybe you’re right.”

[00:09:35] Aaron: Well, maybe his dad was right, Alexander, because he just justified everything his dad was saying.

[00:09:40] Alexander: Yeah. And a lot of times we can be guilty of using other people's truths to become our own truths.

[00:09:46] Aaron: Hmm. Well said. Well said. So yeah, let's start at the beginning of the story and then we'll work our way through.

[00:09:53] So we have Janet and Michael getting off a phone call with Janet's mother, Louise, and the kids come back. And of course we have the famous lasagna in there. And so Alexander and I have been working on this story for a while, and every time lasagna comes up, we just get really hungry and [Yes] it's led us to grab some food.

[00:10:10] Alexander: We still haven't eaten lasagna.

[00:10:12] Aaron: I know we still haven't had lasagna.

[00:10:13] Alexander: But we had pizza.

[00:10:15] Aaron: So that's, that's some funny behind the scenes stuff about this one in particular.

[00:10:19] But we do have Janet, kind of calling Michael out in front of the kids. And, you know, it's not too obvious, but she's like, Daddy has some sulking to do when he says that he's gonna go out and not have dinner with them.

[00:10:32] And I feel like this is pretty common. You have two parents kind of in a disagreement and they both kind of are nice to the kids, but then in front of the kids they have their kind of negative tone interactions.

[00:10:47] Alexander: Yeah. And unfortunately that happens a lot and I do appreciate here that they don't seem to take it out on the kids. And I think that's worth pointing out.

[00:10:55] But those little snide comments can really- most people don't realize just how much the kids are observant of those little kinds of things. And it just throws fuel on the fire, so to say. Uh, of course frustrations are going around because, from the previous episode, Janet was upset that Michael kind of stepped in and took her power away. And then he overreacted and he's kind of judging himself. And so there's a lot of emotions going on in that moment. And the best thing to do, you know, is to get it away from the kids. And he does go into some avoidance that we will talk about, but at least they did get it away from the kids, so to say.

[00:11:36] And I think that that's just a point to, to focus on here, but also show that little bit of that snide comment could have been left off as well.

[00:11:44] Aaron: And of course, that snide comment was made because he mentioned that he was gonna go out into his workshop area and not have dinner with them. And so in a way he was informing that that's where he was going.

[00:11:59] But he, I feel like he failed to inform about what just happened, the emotional part of it between Janet and Michael and him overstepping the boundaries. How that's, you know, where that's going to be talked about. Like, is he going to process it? Is he just stepping out to have a breather? And I'm sure that this is a pattern that he's been going through for a while, and so Janet probably already knows. So, he knows that she knows that this is what he does. So he maybe feels like that's not part of what-

[00:12:27] Alexander: Yeah, and that's, that's a lot of times where these type of snide comments come about is where both parties are aware of what's happening and one just decides to do a little, little jab. And then he has his, of course, overly emotional reaction when he gets outside and he kicks a, a Thanksgiving decoration as well as saying expletives to, to release some tension. Again, where Janet could have held off on that jab, he could have held off, of course from kicking or throwing something till he got down in his garage.

[00:13:00] So again, these are like little things to where there are healthy ways to get these emotions out and even anger, but many times we will fall to what we have been taught from those around us. So many times we'll carry on family lineage reactions like this, because maybe Janet made that snide comment because Louise, her mom makes kind of snide comments. Maybe Michael is kicking this and reacting in this way cause that's the way his father did.

[00:13:30] This doesn't justify it, but it helps to explain a little bit and we're gonna break it down and shine even more light on it in the extended version. So, join us there, to go deeper in all of these subjects we're bringing up.

[00:13:42] Aaron: Yep. And then once Michael makes it into his old lazy boy chair, cracks open a beer. I feel like many of us do that when things get tough and we start stressing. We run to something that's going to quickly alleviate it. Whether that is alcohol. It could be some sort of pharmaceutical.

[00:14:01] Alexander: Sure. Many things.

[00:14:02] Aaron: Yeah. Yeah. And so he cracks it open and he starts thinking, he starts digging in and he makes it through three beers. And so there is some avoidance there using a substance, but it also does open up himself to some deeper level of thinking. And maybe with many of us, there are little snippets of truth that come in and then we don't know how to accept those and then they just go out as fast as they come in.

[00:14:27] Alexander: Yeah. So, some people can take this to extreme and do spiritual retreats to have experiences with substances, to open up their minds or their perception to different levels. And then here in just an everyday pattern way with alcohol, many people do use it as an escape. But there's a subconscious level there to where there's an innate point of the human being that there's resolve wanted by everyone. There's a, a natural urge for resolve. So even when people won't discuss the situation with somebody, many times they will go away and contemplate it on their own and run different scenarios. And, for many people, alcohol or some type of substance, helps them to, whether you wanna call it the processing, uh, the processing of it, or to just maybe see it from another view. Also people use music, people use relaxation techniques like meditation and things like that. So there are useful coping mechanisms, is what we will call these. And then there's destructive coping mechanisms.

[00:15:35] And this even seems to be a pattern with Michael that he's aware of that even created an issue in his last relationship. So here we are seeing the all too often commodity of pattern just repeating, repeating, and different people are playing the roles, but the person is going through the same family lineage type of pattern.

[00:15:55] Aaron: Even seems like he recognizes the pattern, not by name as it being a pattern, but recognizes that some of his father's energy and some of the things his father said to him he's kind of living out and that kind of comes in at the end. And so that does speak to what you're talking about.

[00:16:14] Where when similar energies are handed down or, or put onto a person, they're gonna carry those. And then when they get into similar situations where that can come back up, it kind of comes up and if you don't make use of it, then it's going to hold you down in a way.

[00:16:28] Alexander: Yes. And that pattern's going to keep going, because, by this time, Michael's son is 14 years old and you know, he's been hearing from his dad that, well, if you keep doing this, your son's gonna be just like you. So there's a weight of guilt. Guilt and shame are two of the biggest exhausting energies and emotions to go through because it's through self judgment and when you're tearing yourself down, it amplifies it so much when somebody else says something negative to you. So see, this pattern began with his dad more than likely trying to incentivize Michael at some point in time. And all too often when a parent is trying to help their child, it comes across as judgment and ridicule and can even cripple the child. And that seems to be the situation here with Michael is he wasn't able to use it to bounce back or to do better.

[00:17:27] What he's done is he stuffed it and he pulls it out whenever he's judging himself and then he remembers his father and the way that he used to judge him. And then, at the end, like you were saying, he even turns to accept that as a true possibility rather than just choosing earlier maybe not to take those two last shots. Maybe to have your three beers, your little time away processing, then your wife's so kind to bring you some food and you eat it after your three beers and you go back and you have a conscious conversation. And these are the choices that many people fail at when they had the opportunity. And I'm looking so forward to getting even deeper and deeper into how to break these patterns in the full episode.

[00:18:10] Aaron: You talked about how he allows his father's words to get into his head and then further tear him down. When, like you said, he could have used it for motivation to not do that in almost like an ego response to it. Are there certain Human Design types that could use that sort of talk from a parental figure or anybody coming at them for use or is there one specific type that is more likely to do that or is it just a variety of different things?

[00:18:40] Alexander: Yes. Breaking the Human Design types down into five different ones as Manifestors, Manifesting Generators, Generators, Projectors, and Reflectors. Generators typically survive with the most ease in those situations. I'm not condoning that by any means, but it's the least harmful typically for Generators. And Projectors and Reflectors especially are very harmed or very traumatized by that type of parenting where you try to point out the negative and to show the child the so-called positive. And so that's why it is important how we approach our children and to see that even if you have three or four kids to realize that they are all being affected, quite possibly very differently by what's going on in the environment. And so, although Generators can handle that type of situation the best, I still don't really condone that and suggest, you know, another direction in most all cases.

[00:19:44] Aaron: And then one more thing to wrap up this part of the conversation. You did mention that Janet did come and see Michael and maybe this was her way of making up for her comments or she felt some sort of remorse around that. Or maybe she just genuinely cares and this is just a pattern that keeps happening. Because she is a people pleaser, [Yes] so she does bring him dinner after he never comes in. But then sees Michael being vulnerable and she doesn't want to feel Michael's wrath in case he sees that she sees what he's going through and so she leaves it there and then walks away. And so I feel like there is a possible connection there or some sort of conscious communication that could have happened there if maybe Michael wouldn't fly off the handle for somebody seeing him vulnerable.

[00:20:33] But then we can get to a whole conversation about vulnerability and if you want to have any sort of deep relationship, that vulnerability is probably a good-

[00:20:42] Alexander: Necessity.

[00:20:42] Aaron: Yeah, a good, yeah, a good part of that.

[00:20:43] Alexander: And that's so well said because, in that situation, Janet probably wants to go to him, but she knows better, so to say, because many times people that avoid vulnerability in their relationships for whatever reason, see, they're going to show some vulnerability sometime when they're drunk or when they're on some drugs or something. It's going to come out. But then they get embarrassed because they're not used to anybody seeing it. And so then they can actually get angry and project at the person that's trying to help.

[00:21:17] So in this particular situation, you know, we wanna be, I think, grateful that Janet knew what she knows and it probably was the best idea for her to just go back up to the house and, but maybe at the same time it does show that possibility of, in the future, that there could be a coming together, to where if it is discussed properly, and she could show him that she wants to be that support for him and he'd just be willing to face his fear of showing that side of himself to someone. And sometimes that helps to go to a third party rather than your relationship to show that vulnerability.

[00:21:58] So this is where the right type of a coach, or therapist, or mentor, can really, really pay dividends because it's really hard for a non vulnerable person to just open up to their mate all of a sudden. And so that's why there are people that can help with that, and I suggest that for everyone.

[00:22:19] Aaron: Yeah, and I gotta feel for her in this instance, because there's probably nothing more that she wants in this moment, is to have a moment of vulnerability with him and, and for them to connect that way. And just thinking about Michael's past, he probably showed vulnerability at the beginning of their relationship because he was probably hurt by his past relationship. So that showed up initially and then he just kind of re-hardened over time as that sort of, I don't know if you wanna call it healed or time, moved away from, you know, his past hurt. And so-

[00:22:50] Alexander: Yeah, just transferred it is what happened from one relationship to another.

[00:22:54] Aaron: And now that she just finds herself in a relationship with somebody who maybe at one point was vulnerable, or at least somewhat at some point at some level.

[00:23:02] Alexander: And maybe they can get it back. But, let's see what we get into in the full episode.

[00:23:07] Aaron: Thank you everybody for taking your self-development practice seriously and joining us for the complete conversation of all of our episodes.

[00:23:15] Alexander: Yes, not looking to be right, J.U.S.T sharing a different view.

[00:23:21] Aaron: So let's jump right in with Janet giving Michael some snide comments when he said he was going to go to his garage instead of having dinner with her and the children, a family dinner. I wanted to ask you, if somebody finds themselves making these snarky comments at their person in their relationship, how can we become conscious in the moment and choose not to do this? Because I feel like it is a pattern that happens and we may not want to, but it's, I don't know if it's like a defense mechanism or what's really going on internally when we are doing this, but you know, I've been in relationships where this has happened to me and it doesn't feel good.

[00:24:06] I actually, it really drains the energy out of the relationship, in my experience. [mm-hmm] So it's something that I prefer not to happen. I'm sure most of us would agree, but if somebody's out there and they recognize that they may do this from time to time, what's a way to bring consciousness in in that moment?

[00:24:25] Alexander: Well, the first thing is to realize that you've got something that you want to express. And it never comes across in that snide comment. So I want to even throw a curve ball here to say there's not necessarily anything wrong with the snide comment, just not to the person. So that may be when you feel that urge, walk away, go to the restroom, excuse yourself to step outside or something and say it. Release it.

[00:24:58] See, I'd rather it be released than held in. But then recognize that, "Hey, what do I really want to get across here?' And maybe that's just an invitation of 'when you're ready to talk, I would love to talk to you away from our emotions, and obviously we're both in them right now." So maybe that was her resistance of saying, "Oh, he's got some sulking to go do" because she's in resistance to him leaving and now she's gotta, you know, he gets to go do whatever he wants to, but she's still gotta hold it together for the kids.

[00:25:32] So again, it's not an equal dispersion of energy. And then she stays up there and has to answer the kids or whatever questions they may have or whatever. And still she brings him something to eat. So he realizes how wonderful of a person that she is. And so in that situation of when you do have that urge to find a way for you to get it out without taking it out on that person.

[00:26:02] Then ask yourself, "what do I really want to communicate here?" And then I'm not opposed to writing it down on a little piece of paper and handing it to a person because I still stand beside conscious communication and emotional reactions can't happen simultaneously, but I am for the emotional reaction to get out. So that's why I'm suggesting find a way to be able to say what you need to say, to shake if you got some anger issues and you need some physical movement. Like all of those help, even him kicking the decoration. I don't have a problem with the kicking motion, but he could have waited till he got down to his garage. It was something that was personal of hers that she put on the porch. So see, all of these like energy releases are important, but both of them chose to take it out on the other.

[00:27:02] And that's the first place that I wanna start is, yes, look at how you can get the energy out, the reaction, but then pay attention to what you really want to communicate with the other person while the emotions is going on. Write it down on a note and give it to them and say, "When you're ready to look at this just, please look at this. This is what I mean." And then he can go down there, like I said, in an hour or two hours later, look at that note. He doesn't have to look at it right away.

[00:27:29] So many times realizing that our emotional reactions were basically just falling back to being a child, throwing a temper tantrum, and the child throws a temper tantrum because they don't know how to communicate what they feel. Part of being an adult is learning how to express what you are experiencing. And sometimes we need an outlet, and that's why it's good to have the emotional releases away from the person or the situation.

[00:27:57] Aaron: Yeah. And it's funny how we as humans think that our snide comment is going to get what we're feeling across to the person, but it does the exact opposite.

[00:28:09] And just digs a bigger hole because ideally she would have that feeling and instead of expressing it in that way, think about, okay, well what is it I actually feel, not, oh, he's just doing it again. Well, why do I feel like that? And maybe it is, Oh, well you're leaving me with the kids and you're just avoiding responsibility again. And I want to talk about this in a better way. And, but instead it comes out that way. But if we really want that person to know what we feel, then why don't we try to find the words to communicate exactly how we feel?

[00:28:44] Alexander: In some way, that's sometimes, that's why it's better just to be written down and then give to the person, say, look at this whenever you're ready.

[00:28:51] And the other side of that is, see, people can do this. They do it at their jobs almost every day. And again, to understand that, as I've said in the past, an emotional reaction, in the present moment, has very little to do with the situation in the present moment. It's tied to many similar moments throughout one's whole life. So see, if a person's gone through their workday and their boss or their supervisor really got on 'em about something and there's something that they want to say, but they don't want to lose their job or risk that, see, they won't say it. And then they'll bring that energy home. And then something similar will happen and they will take it out really quickly on the person they love.

[00:29:33] But see, they're not just taking out that misunderstanding between themselves. There's a culmination of many similar situations where that person had to hold their tongue. So seeing that these emotions are tied to our past and to other situations, and when people activate them in the present, we need to remember, it's very helpful to remember, that you're not just dealing with that present moment. You're dealing with all the unresolved issues beforehand. And when we can stop and not take it out on that person in the present moment, and choose to look at them like a teacher, and this is one of the five pillars in the J.U.S.T. Philosophy is Everyone and Every Situation can be your Teacher. Doesn't mean it definitely will, you have to want it to be your teacher. You have to be the student. So that can take a lot of pressure off when that situation, whatever Bob does to Sally, when when Sally gets upset, if she's able to see Bob as a teacher and go, "Oh, you've just shown me that I've got some anger with my brother, with my ex-husband, with blah, blah, blah to work on." See, that helps relationships to work intimately as partners rather than in competition or against each other.

[00:30:52] And unfortunately, that's what happens many times is love is destroyed by taking these life events out on the one that you love.

[00:31:03] Aaron: And I feel like that pillar is very closely tied to Everything is in Divine Order, Whether I Understand it or Not. Because if everything is in chaos, then it's, everything's happening to me, and it's not for a specific purpose. But if everything's in Divine Order, then everything is happening to you for a specific purpose.

[00:31:21] Alexander: Yes. And if you can learn to live life in that way, which is what the J.U.S.T. Philosophy suggests, get outside of your preferences, not meaning that you don't ever have preferences, but that you're able to set your preference to the side at any moment and be neutral to see something conscious, then you are gonna have a lot fewer altercations. Because again, it doesn't stop people from coming at you with certain words or certain actions, but the ripple stops there. You don't continue the ripple of negative emotions because you're seeing it as a gift to help you. To grow past something in your past that's been holding you back.

[00:32:02] These are the beauties of the people and situations that brings up these emotional reactions in everyday life. Is just an opportunity to show us where we're stuck and where we're holding on to negative issues or experiences that's blocking us from making full of the moment. Moment to moment.

[00:32:22] Aaron: So it seems like Michael has a similar experience once he gets to his Lazy Boy chair and cracks open a few beers, he is kind of escaping, but in a way, like you mentioned in the free version that he, probably has an urge to resolve things. And he doesn't want there to be friction between him and Janet, but he doesn't know, like he just doesn't know. He's ignorant to how to manage his emotions or even make sense of them. So if somebody finds themselves, like in that situation where they're using alcohol to kind of escape or any, anything else to escape rather than take on what they're feeling, but they do have the urge to resolve because they don't like the feeling of having friction, especially between their mate. What would you suggest they do? I mean, would you suggest writing? Maybe he picks up a book and he starts writing or he, if he likes to voice things, maybe just talking it out?

[00:33:21] Alexander: I'm going to use a word here and then we're gonna expand from that. And it's two different words. One is meditation and the other is contemplation. And to realize that sometimes when the word meditation is used, there's a picture of someone sitting in low disposition holding their hand mudras, and being in a state of bliss. But there's other types of meditation. People are actually meditating when they're hunting, when they're fishing, sometimes when they're working on their cars or their hobby, or I see people that knit. So realize that most people have something that they go to, to get out of their mind so much.

[00:34:06] Those are good things to go to rather than the substances, necessarily, because what they are is they are a process to help you with the processing of the emotion. And there's a, a tactile or physical experience that people that don't know anything about meditating, that don't know anything about emotional processing, that they almost all already naturally do.

[00:34:36] Now if you find that thing that you go to, to get away from the world, whatever that like little hobby is, and for some people it could be writing. For me, it was, yeah, poetry, writing poetry, writing stories, and writing music has what it's been for a long time. And I don't know what I would've done if I didn't have the skill set to write songs, when I've gone through the traumas that I have. But I do feel like I would have something, there would still be something.

[00:35:02] It used to be sports when I was a kid, but the point is, is that if you take whatever you naturally go to, to so-called escape everyday life, and you bring a little bit more intention, or consciousness, or presence to, I'm going to go down here and work on the car in Michael's situation, maybe rather than just sitting in the chair and letting his mind go in whatever direction it wants to. If he's doing something tactile, it could ease his mind. And when we are able to ease our mind and relax, and that's why this tactile thing that whatever everybody may find is so useful, is that it helps you to get out of your mind, so to say. And then things like drop in. Little insights, little epiphanies. And the thinking is what gets in the way. And many times when people use substances to get away like that, they go into obsessing and it turns into making the situation a lot worse than it is. And, you know, here Michael drank three beers. Some people could consider, well that's a good like break. And then he had food. So he certainly could have heated up the food. He had his three beers. He had his time away, ate, been grateful, got back in gratitude for Janet, and then gone up to the house and been willing to have a conversation with her. But he chose two more shots, which took him over a little bit of an edge of tipsy. And then yes, he goes into more mental contemplation type of stuff that sent him into complete self-judgment and it ended the story with him being in that acceptance of his dad judging him and from his view and tell he's not good enough.

[00:36:51] He recalled a Bob Dylan song that had those vocals or those lyrics in it, and he related to it in that moment. And see now he's going to take that as his truth rather than possibly being able to take how incredible of a wife he has in Janet. After the way that he acted, she still brought him food, and possibly that could have been his most important priority. The message from the Divine, if somebody wants to look at it like that. And if he would've heated up the food and ate it. Maybe taken 30 more minutes to just get prepared, and then go engage with Janet. They might have been able to have had a very vulnerable and non-emotional talk, but we'll never know at this point. But maybe in the future we'll see if it develops and goes in that direction.

[00:37:37] Aaron: Yeah, I guess we should be aware of if what we end up doing to cope, puts us in a victim mode or not. Because that's, I feel like, where he went. And then it brought up all the past trauma because he felt like a victim and he was thinking all the stuff of when he felt hurt in the past was coming up.

[00:37:54] Alexander: Yeah. Well there was one time when a wonderful lady was very upset over her husband being an alcoholic and that he was basically lying about it. And I said a phrase that struck her really strongly, and I don't know that she was able to accept it, but I said a phrase such as, most everyone needs a crutch of some type.

[00:38:15] I wasn't condoning the crutch that he chose, but it was from what I just said earlier, that if you're not aware of something that you can go to, from a tactile standpoint to take you away from your mind, then you're going to obsess more than likely. And if you just go to substances. So see with that lady, I was wanting to get into conversation to ask her what her husband was into, what kind of hobbies, what has he do. Because like I could suggest to her to support him in those areas. But when you just ask an alcoholic or you tell them, I need you to quit drinking, and they don't have another direction of where to cope or how to cope, many times that's what creates liars in addicts because they're an addict. And if they don't know where to send that energy to burn it up, then it is going to have a backlash. And that's what keeps people in these situations because people don't want to be addicts, most of the time. They just don't know a different avenue or a different way.

[00:39:23] And that's what we're discussing here, is find something that is a hobby of yours or used to be when you were a kid. See some people go, "Oh, I don't have hobbies. I don't have time for hobbies." Then I like to go, okay, 12 years and younger. What did you do to have fun? So if you don't know what you do or you don't have a hobby, then go back to your childhood when you didn't have the cares, when you didn't have all this stress, and what did you naturally do? And for me, it was playing in woods and playing sports. So, that developed into playing music and learning multiple instruments and writing poetry. But see, I can always go back to that childlike self and go shoot some basketball, or go for a run, or go out in the woods and build a fort. Like I love building like a shelter in the woods, and I still do that as an adult.

[00:40:14] So I beg everyone out there to please find that thing that lights you up or lit you up when you were a kid and realize that that can be your coping mechanism and it doesn't always have to or need to be substances.

[00:40:29] Aaron: And I want to dig into when Janet saw Michael being vulnerable. Because I feel like there's a lot of stuff to pick a part there. And she decides not to say anything for fear of him realizing that she was there and realizing that she saw him being vulnerable, because it seems like he's not the type to show that.

[00:40:53] Alexander: I call this a little bit of wisdom, that more than likely she's had experiences. Because Janet's type is that yeah, she wants to help all the time. So if she hadn't had some direct experience with him, she probably would have gone in and reached out to him. But more than likely, she has tried in the past and then, like I said earlier, when somebody has a problem or struggles with showing their intimacy, when they do show that normally it's alone. And if anybody sees it, they get very defensive because they're embarrassed.

[00:41:28] And so this is a process and these seem to be two people that do really care about each other, but Michael has nothing to build off of. He has no experience and obviously his father didn't know how to, to communicate very well either. So this doesn't excuse these people. And I wanna make that very clear that I'm not condoning this action, I'm just saying that sometimes we need to understand that and be helpful with your words to maybe suggest another coping mechanism rather than just saying to Michael, "You need to just, quit drinking because you don't stay present when you drink." You know, try to say, "Hey, I wanna support you that if you feel like you need to go hunting more often or you need to go fishing, like let's get that on a regular basis to where it comes up every few weeks or something to where you can get what you need." And then it's important for Janet to get what she needs. So believe me, people that in your relationships, even if you've gotten kids, both parties can get what they need. I've suggested to certain relationships in my relationship consulting and I've lived it myself to where you set times of a certain day a week to where each partner has the right to go away and do whatever they wanna do, or stay home and do whatever they want to do for just say four hours. So I don't think it's too much to ask that each parent can get four hours a week to do whatever they want to, and the other make sure that the kids are taken care of.

[00:43:02] And again, this isn't selfishness. Most people need alone time, different amounts. And it's important to realize that yes, many times relationships will say that they already don't have enough time to spend together because of the kids, because of jobs, because of all this. Well, I promise you that something else can be let go, because each individual is still important. And it's very hard for modern day parents to just get a few hours a week and it can be worked into the schedule. Like I said, I've done it, but when I did it, I chose that neither me nor my partner worked over 30 hours a week. So again, this 40 to 60 hour a week mindset is interfering with intimacy and communication, of course. So, like I said, something else can be given up somewhere to still make sure that you have time for yourself, time for your job or career, time for your relationship, and time for your kids.

[00:44:04] But this is a very big time management situation, and this gets into our six priorities that we've talked about in the past, and we're not gonna go into that right now, but anyone that wants to go to a previous episode, do you happen to know or an idea of the title or what number that would be?

[00:44:21] Aaron: It was the six Priorities of Relationships.

[00:44:24] Alexander: Yes. Yes. So that would be a wonderful one to check out because there's six main areas and you can really only do three efficiently. So knowing where your three main priorities in your life are and the three priorities that have to suffer a little bit is very important. Because most people are trying to fulfill all six and they're not fulfilling even one of them.

[00:44:48] Aaron: Yeah, I mean, that's a good point. And I actually feel like this is not something that somebody would think about because the person who feels like they're not getting what they want out of the relationship, or there's lack of vulnerability in a relationship, is going to request the other person spend more time with them versus, as you're suggesting, hey, take care of yourself and get fed. Uh, but-

[00:45:12] Alexander: Because, apologize for interrupting, but the main point is, is that people need to process before they can communicate. Some people process while they're talking. And you'll know who those people are because as they're talking, they're talking in circles. They're not making sense. But see, they're going through their process. But somebody like myself, which is a four one profile in the Human Design, the one is a solidarity type of a processor, to do it like on their own and in private, and then communicate it.

[00:45:47] So when you have two different types of processors, that still can work because the person that needs a process for by themselves can learn to help their person, their partner process, and then say, Okay, I'm going to go away now for my four hours today, and I'm gonna process everything that's been going on and we'll continue this tomorrow or two days from now. But it's important anytime two people decide not to discuss something, I think that it is important to set a day and time, approximation at least, to come back to that so that anyone with abandonment issues won't bring that in as an excuse. So setting that next day and time, at least a range, is very important.

[00:46:34] Aaron: Not only is that important for processing, doing it separately, but I would say there's also value in it for getting both people to do something that they're passionate about. That feeds into who they are as a person, their Authentic Self that we've talked about more and more.

[00:46:54] Because when that person does what they're passionate about, they're getting fed and they're filling their cup, and then when they come back, they're probably gonna have some excitement, some passion. They're gonna have something to share and that's gonna give more energy back into that relationship.

[00:47:08] And even like the respect level of your partner saying, Hey, I want you to do what you love to do, because it's important to you, and I see that. Like that is just takes it to a whole nother level versus trying to prevent that person from doing it because it's taking away energy from the relationship.

[00:47:26] Alexander: Yeah. And the reason that the prevention is there is because some people will use what they enjoy doing as a distraction. So again, that's why I use the word intention, that you both see the benefits of, if I use an intention that me and my partner has a communication breakdown and I go, I'm gonna go play some music for a little while, I look forward to talking to you about this in a few hours. And see, my intention is to go to play music, to resolve this and to get clear on what I want to express, not to go write music and not even consider what just went on. And that happens very, very often. So the key here in supporting one another to go do what they really enjoy is with that understanding that the intention is to use it for the emotional processing.

[00:48:15] Aaron: All right. Let's use the rest of the time we have in this episode to really cover family lineage and the patterns that we take on from our relatives, and then, trying to break those. Because in this episode we see Michael hearing his father's words over and over in his mind, talking about how his son is gonna be just like him. So you're talking about three generations there. And so that grandfather generation is potentially affecting that grandchild across that span, if Michael chooses to not use that as, as fuel to do something different.

[00:48:51] Alexander: Mm-hmm. Yes, and you know, I have a direct experience with this that I am a a Generator and my father was very stern. Wasn't abusive, but was stern and probably wasn't abusive, mainly because I didn't push too much because of the level of respect that I carried for him.

[00:49:09] But if he would have been the one to raise my sons, it would not have been a pretty picture. Because my sons are Projectors and so they wouldn't have had the, the defenses, so to say, energetically to deal with a very authoritative parent. And when I saw that, that was very easy for me to transfer to them. Because see, that was my so-called innate nature. We think that our first response is pure, but many times our first response is what we were trained in. And so what I did is I made a promise to myself that I would do my second option each time. So whatever my first option was to do with them, that I just said, You know what? That's probably going to be a reaction and a training from my dad. So let me learn to take a breath. And all of you listeners that's been listening to us for a while, you hear me talk about learn to take a breath before any interaction or any movement. Because if you do that and you practice that, then in a situation you'll automatically take a breath, and in that breath you can choose the second option.

[00:50:20] So my first option, when the boys made some type of mistake or needed some discipline, was to authoritatively scald them with my words and then send them away. But what I would do in my second option was to say, "Okay, we gotta sit down and talk about this."

[00:50:44] So see, rather than my boys growing up being afraid of my authority, they grew up not wanting to go through the discussion that we were about to have. That this is gonna be an hour and a half if it needs to be, because I'm not going to continue to watch you go through this pattern. So we went through the Five Levels, the emotional, Hey, where are you feeling about emotional? How is this messing with your energetic field? What does it make you wanna do physically? How are you thinking about it? All of those different levels was covered in that hour and a half.

[00:51:17] So then later on it became just a look that I could look at them, and like I said, I feel like their first thought was, oh. I don't want to go through all of that discussion, so let me straighten up, so to say. So see, there's many different ways to direct children without threatening them. And, that's what I, I see and hope that is going to continue to grow. But at the same time, there's a usefulness, and I'm not saying that that sternness isn't useful. At the right time, the right situation, so to say, there's a usefulness for about most all techniques. But the problem is, is the people do get in patterns and they just do what was done to them. And unfortunately, that phrase hurt people, hurt people, is so true. But if you're listening to this, you're interested in breaking the family lineage, breaking and stopping that ripple. And my suggestion is go to your second or third choice and realize that your inate reaction is not probably a conscious response, but a taught and learned action.

[00:52:24] Aaron: So yeah, that was a beautiful example that you shared because you did stop the ripple. So that's not how you were taught to handle children based on how your father handled you and your first response was to do the same thing and as it is, you know, with most likely everybody, but you chose a different way, consciously, and then got a different reaction from them.

[00:52:48] Alexander: Yes. Another thing that I want to point out is many times if people don't continue the family lineage or continue the ripple, what they do is they go to the opposite extreme and neither of the extremes is going to be useful. The truly optimal path is somewhere in that middle. That's why it wasn't just authority and send them away. It also wasn't just not giving them any reprimanding at all. It was, my choice was, to help them with learning to explain what they really wanted to get across rather than acting out like this.

[00:53:28] And so that created an environment to where I feel like they knew that they could come and talk to us about whatever issue they're dealing with and that they're not gonna be reprimanded for it right away. And so creating a structured and disciplined environment that is also inviting and welcoming is that balance point that I feel like most parents are truly looking for.

[00:53:52] Aaron: Yeah, absolutely. Well said. I'm glad that you did bring that back around because I think most people, if they think that they're conscious of what their parents do, they're able to have awareness. And I think that's like the first step in a self-development journey is like awareness of everybody around us, of ourselves. We could have awareness of how our parents treated us, but then the initial reaction would be to do the exact opposite. And that's not really where consciousness is.

[00:54:19] Alexander: Yes. Yes. And, you know, unfortunately many times that's the, if it's not a family lineage pattern that's continued, it's the opposite. And so many times that just will flip flop through generations as well.

[00:54:34] And so yeah, we're looking for that middle ground to where there's still structure and discipline, but then there's this level of communication and non-threatening communication, I think is a big key.

[00:54:45] Aaron: Yeah. When we're talking about this family lineage, if we think about it, our parents could be carrying out the parenting style of like 10 generations back.

[00:54:54] Alexander: Sure.

[00:54:54] Aaron: It can go far, that far back. And then it's empowering to, to feel that we can stop that. And then, if we can consciously treat our children or the people around us in a different way, then they're relieved of all of that emotional baggage that's just being dumped, and dumped, and dumped onto each generation. And then they're learning healthy ways of emotionally processing and coping, and then they're gonna pass that on to people, most likely, or hopefully.

[00:55:26] Alexander: Yes. And many doctors would talk about the concern of genes being passed on, and I happen to feel that these emotional reactions being passed on is just as serious, if not more serious, than the DNA and the genes that are passed on. Because these patterns are, as you said, generational. And see, in order for somebody to break that pattern or stop that ripple, they're gonna have to deal with judgment from their family because when they handle their children differently, see they're going to get judged. And many people don't wanna be judged or they stop hanging around their family when they're missing an opportunity to exemplify a different way. Not saying that it's better, just saying that I get better response from my kids when I handled it this way. I'm not saying that any of you, the rest of you in my family should do it that way.

[00:56:19] See, many times when we find something that works, we expect everybody to do this. So then we immediately become a teacher and start throwing our information around to our family and everybody. I was guilty. I'm raising my hand, so there's no judgment here. It's just, unfortunately, that's a phase that many people have to go through when they enter into self-development or spiritual path, is wanting to share what they're learning.

[00:56:45] But I try to urge people to wait till you get experience under your belt and share it as wisdom, rather than sharing it as intellectual knowledge. Because see, if you give people the time to watch you, to even scoff at it, to judge it, and you show that it doesn't bother you, they're gonna be more intrigued into what you're doing, and that's called being the example.

[00:57:11] And being the example is the optimal teacher, from my view, much better than just a verbal information type of teacher.

[00:57:20] Aaron: And from time to time, if somebody's getting torn down by something they're trying to do, sometimes they can be influenced by that and then stop doing it or not be able to carry it out.

[00:57:31] So how do we not become a victim of that? How do we stay and stand in our truth, in our knowing, in our Authentic Selves, and continue to work towards, you know, stopping the ripple without being influenced by the outside?

[00:57:47] Alexander: Okay, this is a very rare thing, but I'm going to give an answer to this that should cover most everyone. And those that have been listeners for long periods of time know that, you know, part of the specialty of this process is that we are very different and we process things very different. But here the answer to this is pretty much across the board and it's that we were taught the wrong definition of one word, and that word is failure. And that has a negative connotation.

[00:58:20] I want everybody to be honest that when you heard me say that word, that there was a negative wave, a negative thought, a negative vision that comes up. And to work with what you are talking about now is to accept that failure is part of succeeding. That we learn only, typically, through failing. And so therefore, I suggest in my work that when somebody wants to change a pattern, especially family lineage, to be willing to fail at it at least a hundred times. See that's not meaning that you're not getting anywhere because we are habitual creatures. So there's gonna be successes in between those failures. But if you give yourself leeway of, Okay, I might fail at this a hundred more times, but I'm going to get better at it. See if you accept that failure is gonna be part of your path, then when those thoughts come in that other people have said, see, it can even incentivize you. It can bring you that, that power that you didn't even know you had. Instead of believing what that person said, you can simply say, 'I hear you, Dad", Michael in this situation, "I hear your dad saying that, that I'm never going to be worth anything. But no, starting right now, I'm not taking these two shots of bourbon. I'm going to eat this food and I'm going to go in and have an uncomfortable conversation with my wife."

[00:59:47] And then he might fail in that conversation, get upset, have to walk out and go back down to the garage. But guess what? He gained some ground there. Because he made the change of the vibration instead of taking those two other shots. So see, when you have that view that you're going to fail, but you're not going to see that as a negative thing. You're going to accept it as part of your process of getting better.

[01:00:14] And that's still one of the most amazing stories that I've ever read was reading about two, uh, millionaire or billionaire siblings. And when they were asked what the secret to their success was, they said every night we ate dinner at six o'clock as a family. And every night our father asked us, "What did you fail at today?" So we grew up seeing failure as part of success, and so we were never afraid to fail. And that's just a completely different mindset. And very, very few children get that type of invitation to fail. Those are the people that aren't scared of failing, they're not the people that are afraid to attempt. And if you don't ever attempt, you certainly don't succeed.

[01:01:02] Aaron: Well, I guess we'll leave it right there, because that covered everything with that question. So hopefully you all enjoyed this episode. I know I did, and especially that last mic drop.

[01:01:12] Alexander: Many thanks. Many thanks. Much love people.

[01:01:15] Aaron: So catch you on the next.