In this chapter of Inward Journey, we observe Janet and Michael as they encounter a challenging scenario instigated by Louise. Some of the themes discussed in this episode are empaths, the downside of trying to mediate or peace keeping between two parties, expectations and disappointment and more.
Story written by: Aaron Keith
Story read by: Claire Glover
Music by: Alexander
[00:00:21] Storyteller: Wise Whys - Inward Journey
[00:00:31] Episode 5: Another Day, Another Card
[00:00:37] Despite the stressful last week playing mediator between Stan and their mother, Louise, Janet embodied an upbeat mood as she drove home on Friday afternoon. Autumn was beginning to reveal itself after a miserable southern summer which Janet enjoyed by cruising through the back roads with her windows completely down. She felt like she was having a spiritual experience as the aroma of recently cut hay overwhelmed her senses. This was indeed her favorite season as she loved the cooler, less humid air and the beauty of the trees beginning their transition.
[00:01:16] Janet hummed her favorite tune as she walked up the steps and onto the front porch. With a small stack of mail in one hand and a bag of groceries in the other, she approached the front door of the house. Leaning in, she gave the knob a quick half-hearted test, attempting to grip it with the same hand she held the envelopes in. Unable to tell the status of the lock with her first attempt, she placed the mail into her mouth, freeing her hand to try again.
[00:01:46] “Locked. Bummer.” Janet mumbled through the envelopes.
[00:01:52] She dug into her purse and fiddled around trying to grab the correct key in a tense manner as she felt the mail slipping from her lips. Pursing her lips tighter, she finally grasped the right key and jammed it into the lock, making a few half-circle motions. But before she was successful, the envelopes broke free from her lips and went bouncing down to the porch floor. As the last envelope fell in place, the key finally turned and the front door swung ajar. In one swooping motion, she was able to lean forward and scoop the mail from the ground with all groceries intact. Once she regained her balance, Janet continued to make music, this time in whistle form.
[00:02:39] As she closed the front door and walked from the foyer toward the kitchen, Janet’s husband, Michael, crossed her path, barely making eye contact. Janet whispered a quiet but friendly “hey honey” to which Michael replied “hey” in a low, downer voice. His neck seemed slightly angled, and his downturned eyes met the ground in front of him as he carried himself toward his office. Being an emotional empath, Janet sensed some frustration and avoidance in him, and began to process it as she placed her grocery bag onto the kitchen island and began unpacking the items.
[00:03:18] Her mind began to scan and analyze all of their most recent conversations and interactions to see what might be the cause of Michael’s low mood. Her first inkling is that she must be the cause of her husband’s unhappiness. Was it something she said last night at dinner? or something she forgot to do before work this morning? Her thoughts began to spiral into a rolling snowball of worry and the elevated mood she felt on her way home, slowly drained away.
[00:03:50] As she finished putting the groceries away, she realized she had been in a trance and couldn’t recall placing the eggs into the fridge. Her thoughts had managed to completely steal all of her attention away from being in the moment. Standing alone in the kitchen facing the direction of Michael’s office, Janet wondered what would be the best course of action. Should she confront Michael, knowing that there is something bothering him? And if it was her fault, was she in the mood for confrontation? Or should she give him space and allow him to come to her when he is ready?
[00:04:28] Janet’s body jumped as Michael’s booming voice woke her out of her zoned-out state. “Can you believe this?! Your mother is trying to turn our son into a girl!”
[00:04:40] Taking a moment, Janet began to process her husband’s words. “Michael, there’s no way she said that. Did Stan tell you this??”
[00:04:49] “No, no, no. Listen. I did talk to Stan about this but this -”
[00:04:55] Janet put up a hand as if to interfere, and Michael paused, his eyes wide, as if shocked that she interrupted him. “So you did talk with Stan?” she volleyed back, feeling like she was on a higher ground after catching Michael in her web.
[00:05:12] “No, No, Hunny, listen!” Michael pleaded and then took a breath. He was usually very competitive in their arguments but he felt compelled to be very clear in this instance. He began again but in a slower voice. “Your - mother - sent - Zachary - a birthday card - in the mail yesterday. And it says…”
[00:05:36] Just then Michael remembered he had stashed the card in his back pocket. He quickly reached his hands around, fumbling a bit and finally grasping the card and slamming it down on the table beside Janet.
[00:05:50] “Right there.” He pointed to the words and then began to orate them as he moved his index finger along simultaneously. “I will pay for your dance camp. You can be whoever you want to be. I will love you just the way you are.” As Michael finished the final syllables he glared up to see Janet’s face, which was now holding a more serious expression.
[00:06:16] “Ohhhhh. Wow.” Janet finally let out. “Yes, this is … interesting… and maybe a little concerning… but I’m not sure it justified that reaction, Michael?”
[00:06:31] “Your mother has crossed a line!” Michael exploded in response. “Not having respect for our food guidelines and now throwing her money in our face! And dance camp?! He can go to football camp, baseball camp, soccer camp, any… other… camp.” The louder and more animated Michael became, the higher his voice went. ”It’s like she’s trying to turn my son into a girl! I’ll tell you right now, I ain’t gonna put up with that!”
[00:06:59] Michael quickly grabbed hold of the card again and turned away from Janet, heading for the front door. After a few steps he placed his hand on the door knob. He paused and then turned his head to Janet and asked, “When are you going to be on our side and see your mom for who she truly is? She’s self-centered with little respect for anyone else, especially her family. Your family, Janet.”
[00:07:25] He shook his head and sighed quietly as he left out the door. Janet stood mezmorized and in disbelief at what had just occurred. Her heart filled with sadness as her expectations for a fun weekend with her family were again interrupted by yet another card authored by her mother, Louise.
[00:07:53] Aaron: So Louise strikes again, it seems like.
[00:07:58] Alexander: Yes.
[00:07:58] Aaron: But not to put it all on her, because this is all reactionary to an action that she made and I really like this episode, because it's like a continuation of the ripples that Louise is kind of sending as she interacts with the different types of people and families so far throughout the story, but Alexander, what was your initial reaction to the story?
[00:08:23] Alexander: Yeah, well again, seeing that this is connected to that saying of mine of, "Good intentions are the death of a wise one". Cause in both of these cards, the one she sent to Stan and the one she sent to Zachary, was with the best of intentions. With Stan to try to clear up and forgive things from the past and with Zachary to give him something that she feels like he's interested in. So this can get very sticky with a lot of people and their mates and their extended family. And for a long time, I've looked very deeply at relationships, and just seeing that the majority of the time it's not the two people that really the conflicts between. It's managing how all the external people influence those two people in a relationship. And I think that this is a good story that kind of illustrates that.
[00:09:16] Aaron: So let's start out at the beginning where Janet's on her way home, it's a Friday, she's enjoying the weather. She, it says, almost has a spiritual experience. Hopefully she was keeping her eyes on the road [Mm-hmm]. But she seemed very grounded and in the moment. She was enjoying life. Now it did set up, because of the way it unfolded, she may have had expectations. I can resonate with the mood she's in. You know, when you're a child and it's Friday, or even like at the end of a work week, you're ready to let your hair down as they say, and really enjoy the weekend. And so you have some expectations of the fun you're gonna have. Or in her case, the time she's probably gonna spend with her family. And so part of that could be she's having these emotions, these positive emotions, and maybe it's not that she really is in a solid vibration of being in the moment. That it's just a high.
[00:10:09] Alexander: And maybe it's just a brief glimpse because she's just comparing it maybe to the weekend before where they were all together and there was all this to deal with. And so, it could be just something as simple as just an intention and looking forward to a less stressful weekend, because it's just gonna be around her small family. But little does she know that Louise has struck again and really offended Michael.
[00:10:36] So, it's important here to point out that we all have a tipping point of where we like lose our center spot, or being grounded, or being centered, standing in your power. There's many different ways to describe it. And at the beginning of the story, she overcomes a few obstacles that sometimes can irritate certain people of holding onto the groceries and the mail and trying to open the door. And she does have a tipping point.
[00:11:05] And it's mentioned that she's an emotional empath and in the Human Design, again, we can see through the illustration of whether a person carries the emotional strength in their emotional center, or they are empathic in nature. And it seems that Janet certainly carries that criteria of being that emotional empath. And so, normally that means that the mood of other people around you has a direct and drastic effect on your mood. And it seemed to really shift her mood when Michael, when they had their very first interaction, she went into doubt and started going down a little bit of a downward spiral from that. And I want all the listeners to connect with that and start just being observant of yourself and where your tipping point is. Because that's what we want to be extending as we get older and doing this self development work toward our Authentic Self. A big part of that is being able to hold that center in more challenging situations for longer periods of time.
[00:12:07] Aaron: Yeah. So she saw Michael's current state and he was very non-communicative, so she didn't ask any questions or clarify in the moment. I mean, she was holding groceries, so she went right to the kitchen, started putting them away. But while she's doing that, she's I guess trying to process but in that processing she's not grounded because she is projecting guilt. She's immediately looking at what she did versus- You know, it could be a number of things that Michael could be trying to process or deal with. We don't know in that moment. But, it even goes to the point where she's so lost in her thought and her worries that she forgets what she's done.
[00:12:45] Alexander: And a lot of people do go into that type of projection and it's not useful. Part of staying centered is not allowing those negative emotions to just pull you into that downward spiral. Yes, because this could have been something to do with his work or something to do with his family. But she seems to carry that people pleaser issue once again, that we've highlighted in past episodes. And many of the people pleasers, they go to they're at fault as soon as something or someone doesn't seem to be in harmony. And again, this is a question of that spiritual center, where we break down the physical, the mental, the emotional, the energetic, and the spiritual. And most issues that people deal with start in that doubt. And that's exactly where she started with and then she went into self-judgment.
[00:13:36] Aaron: And we talked about Michael, not communicating when he first saw her walk in the door or even be attentive to her. But looking at the situation from his perspective, he could have been processing. Maybe he just found the card. Maybe, you know, it just came in the mail. And I also resonate with his situation cuz sometimes when something is that like personally overwhelming, I can't do other things. It's like I have to just focus on this and process it, especially if it is a negative emotion. So it seems like he was dealing with that and then went to a space where he could do that. And then he came back into the room and Janet didn't even see him walk in because she was in that zone and he then exploded all of his anger. So he was releasing that energetic build-up.
[00:14:23] Alexander: Yes. And the main point of this work is seeing where our responsibility is in the situation. And so, I do want to point out that with Michael, that in this situation, it's ideal to communicate once you have released the negative emotions and he hadn't released them yet. And so, he didn't take into consideration Janet's mood. Even giving her maybe 30 minutes or 15 minutes to just enjoy getting home. Possibly he could have went outside and went for a walk, maybe let off some steam, and being able to communicate that more clearly and neutrally with Janet and not had such a drastic effect on her. Because in breaking this work down, again, we're not pointing blame, we're just trying to highlight where every role player can optimize how they are relating and communicating with the others. And this is certainly a place where Michael seemed to take an attempt to do the so-called "right thing" and take a moment. But he didn't release any of the anger or the frustration, and so that was what was overwhelming for Janet soon as he started speaking.
[00:15:38] Aaron: It's hinted at he spoke with Stan about this situation. So maybe he just got off the phone with Stan or maybe that he was going back to talk with Stan about it when she first came in. We don't know how much time passed in between there. But that conversation could have fueled his anger of it. Because we already know Stan's perspective on the situation. And so when you add that bias in, looking for advice, you're only gonna get more fuel if you're already kind of leaning that way.
[00:16:06] Alexander: And that's the danger of reaching out to so-called friends or people that you know, that feel or think similarly to you. Is that that's the cost of it. They can actually drive you deeper in a direction that may or may not be useful to you. All of us like to be consoled and felt like the way we're viewing something is correct. But I like to say a quality of a true friend is somebody that is willing to at least bring up another perspective to you and help you see it in a little bit more well-rounded view. And to just be, of course, appreciative but careful with those friends that typically agree with you and even fan the flames a little bit. And that can happen an awful lot in our culture.
[00:16:51] Aaron: And he was very overdramatic. So he even went to project that Louise wanted Zach to become a girl. And of course, when he pointed out what she actually wrote in the card- and we don't know if that was verbatim but the words that he spoke that she said were definitely taken out of context. And you could see how it seems like, if we bring Louise back in here, just from what we know the card said, that she was being supportive to Zachary and said that she would pay for his camp. Hopefully at some point we get more of the background information on what this really was all about. But it seems like Zach, at one point wanted to go to a dance camp and maybe Michael put his foot down. Because it seems like he has a huge resistance to his son going to dance. And he's bringing in that sort of masculine view of boys need to do masculine things to become men or something around that. So anyway, the whole point seems to be very over-dramaticized.
[00:17:53] Alexander: Yes. And I think another variable here is it seems that Janet and Michael May be just a little strapped with money. And see an ego thing could be involved here to where it's not just that it's a camp that Michael's viewing that is really for girls, that maybe they don't have the money for camp. But he does express, "Hey, I'll pay for him to go to any kind of camp, basically, besides this kind of camp". So, it seems to be multi-layered that is setting Michael off and this is always worth looking at when you see that someone's upset to understand that it's probably at deeper levels than what they are telling you that it's about.
[00:18:39] And so of course, he's talking about this being a dance camp, that seems to be steered maybe towards girls, but he's not talking about the financial. And then he almost gets defensive and shows that, "Hey, I will pay for this if he doesn't go to this kind of camp". So I think that's something to highlight is just normally whatever somebody brings up in anger or negative emotion, there's still something that they're not talking about that's really driving that cart, so-to-say. And we wanna keep our eyes on the sensitivities that he has to maybe how well of a provider that he's being.
[00:19:18] Aaron: Yeah. And if we look at the three things that he outlined was Zachary going to a dance camp, her paying for it again, we don't know the backstory yet. But then also the boundary issue with the food, all three of those are boundary issues [Mm-hmm] so it seems like Janet and Michael maybe have expressed their boundaries, but maybe there's a lack of communication there.
[00:19:38] Alexander: Yes. And again, this is multi-multifaceted and no matter how cut and dry you think situations are with people, it is normally layered like this. And we can see that Louise just seems to have a skill set at frustrating her children and their families. Again, it's important to point out that Louise is just trying to be kind and nice in everything that she's doing. But the whole part of, "good intentions are the death of a wise one" that I want to highlight- we'll get deeper into the full discussion- is that when you don't consider how your intention or your action is going to affect the other people involved. That is why just intention isn't enough. To know or have an idea, or at least a consideration of how your action is going to affect those other people is truly the art of the wise one. Not just being able to set an intention and put an intention into action. The deeper level is having an idea how that action is going to affect everyone involved. And that's what we want to, of course, dig a little bit deeper into the full discussion.
[00:20:52] Aaron: And then I wanted to bring in Janet playing mediator again and it backfiring on her. I'm sensing that possibly, at some point, it was working for her cuz she's still playing it. But now for some reason, it's now starting to backfire. And the way that she talks to Michael about Stan. It's like, she knows how Stan is about her mom and I'm sure she knows how her mom is about Stan. So she sees people for who they are and how they act around each other. And I think that's part of what it's like to be a mediator or that person in the middle, you can see the good and bad of the people that you're trying to keep at arms length.
[00:21:28] Alexander: Sure.
[00:21:28] Aaron: It seems like because she didn't give Michael the reaction that he wanted, he wanted her to be mad with him. That's why he exploded after showing her the card [Mm-hmm] and then when he goes to leave, he basically says what he feels, which is, you know, how come you're never on our side against your mom?" And I think also driving that is Stan. [Yes] possibly in his ear.
[00:21:51] Alexander: Yes. Yes. But it's coming to Janet's attention for her to make some adjustments in how she's managing all these people. And we'll see whether she truly is able to make some adjustments and be more useful in her skillset or that she's just going to keep disappointing everyone around her. And many times that's what winds up happening for the middle man or the peacekeeper is, they wind up feeling like they're just disappointing everyone. And we certainly hope Janet doesn't get to that point.
[00:22:20] Aaron: So I'm looking forward to talking more about how somebody who maybe has the heart center nonactivated in the Human Design, like myself. And most likely that's what Janet has is a nonactivated heart center. How they can go about this situation in particular to establish more concrete boundaries and help the situation between Louise and all of Janet's family.
[00:22:44] Alexander: And so that's what we're gonna get into in breaking down in the full discussion and bringing in all our tools and the J.U.S.T. Philosophy and seeing how we can assist people on this journey.
[00:22:56] Aaron: Welcome to the Complete Conversation of story number five. Appreciate everybody joining us.
[00:23:02] Alexander: So good to be with everybody.
[00:23:04] Aaron: So wanted to start off again at the beginning of the story, and you mentioned that everybody has their tipping point. I think we can all be in agreement with that, especially when we're starting to practice this work. It takes work to get grounded. And then when we are grounded we have tools and techniques set up to work through any of life's adventures that you're thrown, to not get off center. But of course, if we haven't been practicing this for a long time, we can get knocked off center. And so that's what we're talking about here.
[00:23:34] So, Alexander, I wanted to ask you, how do we know like where our tipping point is? What kind of hints come into us internally of when we're getting close to that? And then how can we sense that and stop ourselves. Stop our normal behavioral patterns before we get to that point.
[00:23:52] Alexander: One of the main power points for everybody to focus on is that one of the few things that we can manage in this world is our perception. And the next closest thing that we can manage is our environment. And by this I mean, always having an opportunity, for the majority of time, for you to be able to remove yourself from that situation. So when you have the ability to remove yourself from the situation, then you can learn to pay attention to your basic negative emotions, like frustration. Frustration and irritation seems to be the one that I locked in on to notice that that's starting to take me down the negative emotion road.
[00:24:35] So what we want to get used to is making the adjustment in our perception and or our environment before we reach that tipping point. For a long time, I had to put myself in different situations to learn where that tipping point is. But if you take time to, to be grounded, to do some little breathing before you go into connecting with another person or a group of people, pay attention to your heart rate and how calm it is. And then as you're going through the meeting or hanging out with someone, you continue to check in on those things. Your heart rate is an easy one because normally when irritation and frustration comes in, the heart rate will raise slightly or raise drastically. And once you activate that, It's not that it's too late, but you have activated those emotions.
[00:25:25] The goal is to get to a point to where you make this adjustment before you get into that activation. So with me, a suggestion that I have made is with some people, always manage your time when you're talking to them on the phone or in person. To be able to set up a timeframe to say something like when you answer the call or you answer the door that you're prepared to say something like, "Oh, it's so good to see you. I only have about 15 minutes to connect because I have something else going on." And what that can do at the beginning of the conversation is take care of rejection, them feeling rejected. Because you're informing them right away that you have a limited time.
[00:26:07] Now say for instance, you're interacting with that person and they're not being their normal self that brings out this irritation, that aggravation. Then you can always extend that time period. But for a while, I would like to suggest to stay disciplined to a limited amount of time so that you're always leaving on a good note. And then If we wait to leave until after we have the emotional activation, then that's what you work on once you get away. You work on what is this emotion connected to from a past, and then utilizing the Five Pillars is to help to process and see that person or that situation in a different light.
[00:26:47] So see, even if you fail at managing your environment, and you do activate the negative emotions, there's still work to be done. But the end goal, from my perception, is getting to where you make the adjustment before the negative emotion is activated, and you're always looking to manage your environment in that way for the overall good of everyone involved.
[00:27:07] Aaron: So in Janet's situation, it seemed like she was good and the tipping point was her seeing Michael's reaction. And again, it could have been expectations of having a good weekend and then seeing Michael in that mood could have brought in disappointment. But being an empath, where does the tipping point come in when you're taking on other people's energy or emotion?
[00:27:30] Alexander: Well, I think that's a great question and those people with white hearts in the Human Design especially, and please reach out to us cuz we can help you out with understanding your Human Design and your Destiny Cards. But, when you understand that you have a white heart, or any center that's white, it means you're empathic in that. So one of the very first things that people that get affected by the moods of other people wants to do, is you wanna make sure that you're stepping out of a six foot to eight foot bubble with them and you want to give yourself distance. This way we don't have the tendency to tell people to stop talking like that, or try to demand something. If we're able to step out of the range of being in their auric field, which is normally somewhere around eight feet, and if you can put a table between you both, or you can cross your arms, there's many ways to learn to deflect the energy. Those poses can help while somebody is expressing themselves. And then you can always remember to unfold your arms when you're communicating. But this is also why sometimes people sit cross-legged pointed at somebody to make sure that they're not absorbing the energy.
[00:28:40] So I don't want it to be seen as a defensive move. It can be offensive cuz you're just merely looking to step out of the influence of their emotional reaction. And that way, it'll have less of a charge on you, and hopefully it'll help you to not start projecting normally on yourself that you've done something wrong and go in a downward spiral. So making sure that you have the space you need is very important to the emotional empath.
[00:29:09] Aaron: So when Janet was putting the groceries away and she started thinking and processing all this information, asking herself questions, you know, what did she do? You mentioned that that's just not helpful and especially in this situation. So what would be more helpful for her to do if somebody in this position who had just come home, took on somebody else's energy and then immediately felt like they did something wrong?
[00:29:32] Alexander: This will take a little bit of training over a period of time to basically learn to allow everyone to have their experience. And that it is their experience. And this is why I suggested here earlier, to just adjust your body in a way to where you give yourself more space, but you don't need to tell the person necessarily to back up, like give me space. We're gonna be drawn to do that, but I'm suggesting to do it in a more artistic and subtle way. To maybe go get a glass of water or to go to the restroom or to step on the other side of the fireplace or whatever it is to give that distance. Then, once you get into that distance and the person lets out something, and in this situation, Michael started to walk away after their first interaction. He just walked away. And she went into this self-judgment. To discipline, first of all, to take the breath, as I've mentioned, before you engage in any action, to learn to take a breath. And in that breath, we can create a mantra of, "Everybody's emotional reaction is not my responsibility. So until I have more information, I'm going to stay in my vibration." So that could be like just a little mantra that somebody creates that every time they feel that- See, I call it feeding the monkey mind. The mind wants to create a story. If we don't create the story, then that's where just patterns come up over, and over, and over. But when we wanna break the pattern, we create a new story. So that once that chatter starts to come in, we replace it with a mantra. And, many times people can keep that negative emotion from landing in because they're forcing themselves to see it in a different light. And then eventually over practicing that over enough time that happens subconsciously and it changes that trigger, so-to-say.
[00:31:29] Aaron: I dont know if this is something like a trait of an emotional empath, but oftentimes in my life, if somebody has thought that I've done something wrong, even though I didn't do whatever they're saying that I did. Or if I even projected that, it's hard to come out of that energy. I immediately get low because I feel like I did something wrong, even though I didn't. So it kind of is part of this situation where, She doesn't know that she did something wrong, but she's projecting it so that it brings her down in this mood. And, and so I guess utilizing what you just mentioned would be helpful, but I don't know if you have any other guidance on that because it is kind of like you're stuck to how other people see or think of you in a way.
[00:32:10] Alexander: Right. And this comes back to a deeper inner practice that this is really only affecting to that level because normally the person judges themselves internally. And so as we work to not be so drastically affected by other people's mood externally, we work internally not to judge ourselves so quickly when we do feel like we've done something wrong, this is the key word here. Well, when you change your basic perception that you can't do anything that's wrong from a negative standpoint, because if you do something wrong, then you have the opportunity to learn something to do it better next time you won't do it wrong that way again. And so so-called doing things wrong, or failure, becomes an opportunity to grow, an opportunity to learn. So we can work internally to change our perception about how we look at failing. And then we look at externally to be sure to give everybody their own responsibility, to process and communicate whatever they're going through before I go into any so-called judgment. And this is something that we train ourselves in growing up.
[00:33:23] So, there's a retraining that has to happen. And in most retraining, I like to give an external way to practice it and an internal way to practice it. So the next time that you caught yourself beating yourself up for feeling like you made a mistake, that's the time to practice, "Wait a minute. Why am I judging this negatively? I just learned not to do this again. Therefore, this was necessary. The so-called mistake was necessary, so I don't have to feel bad or negative about it." But these are the communications that our parents didn't know to give us when they were correcting us and giving us discipline and that type of thing. So this is the point of learning to raise ourselves is to work on something external and internal simultaneously to get the optimal results.
[00:34:10] Aaron: So if we're projecting it, or somebody is upset with something that we did, we want to allow them and to respect them to have their experience.
[00:34:19] Alexander: Yeah, their view basically.
[00:34:20] Aaron: And we also want to keep our vibration and maybe be neutral until we have a conversation about it. So I feel like in this situation or in this story, Janet could feel like she was being neutral while he was reading the card and she was not jumping to conclusions [mm-hmm] and maybe she wants to have a conversation with Louise more about it.
[00:34:41] But then at the end, when Michael accused her of not sticking up for his family, she had a little bit of a sadness come in. And again, I think part of that was from the expectations initially of driving home thinking it was gonna be a great weekend. But the words that he said and the act of him leaving did leave her kind of feeling like, "Oh man, we're having to go through this again."
[00:35:04] Alexander: Yes, because here, Janet goes through two significant shifts emotionally very quickly. Cause see, the first thing is she's relieved that it's not her, and that allows her to get a different view of, "Oh, okay. This is about mom. Okay. Well, Stan has probably influenced him." So see, she's going through thinking this out right away. But it's when he shows a similar disappointment that Louise has already shown to her, that Stan has shown to her, and it's probably one of her deepest issues to work on, that no matter how hard she tries, everybody feels that she's always on the other person's side. So that's what can activate a very deep wound that she may not even know exists, and so that can bring the floodgates of the negative emotions. So she was bouncing around a little bit. She certainly wasn't grounded and centered, but she was able to manage it, not to send her into too much of a downward spiral, until that last comment right before he's leaving and "When are you gonna be on our side?" And like I said, Louise has said that Stan has said that to her, and this is probably a feeling just of self worth. This is the underlying foundation of somebody that constantly judges themselves that they're not good enough because no matter what they do, they get that repercussion of, "You're not on my side" and this is a very tough role for the peacekeepers in families and situations.
[00:36:37] But to realize that when you're trying to please everyone, more than likely you're not pleasing anyone. And to see that taking care of yourself is so important first. And that you can learn a language to where you don't sound like you are defending someone. And that is by receiving what someone is saying and being a little bit more cautious with how you point out that other side. Maybe you need to wait a few hours or another day to bring out that other side. Because everyone wants to be received. And we take very little time to receive what somebody's saying, especially if we recognize that we have a different view. And I'm suggesting to change that action to always be willing to receive because you're comfortable in your view and you truly want to hear this person, how they're perceiving this, so you can help clear it up. But if you're looking at that from a defense standpoint, you're not gonna receive truly what they're trying to say. You're already creating a defense.
[00:37:41] So this is again, learning to be receptive without taking on the energy of the person or the situation. And for the emotional empath and the heart empath in the Human Design, that's a double whammy and a double challenge, but you can certainly do it.
[00:37:58] Aaron: So could we use Janet as an example in this conversation and maybe walk through, you know, if she was utilizing the J.U.S.T. Philosophy, walk through how she could have handled Michael in this exchange?
[00:38:09] Alexander: Sure. Well, from the beginning when she was coming in and as soon as she opened the door, to always remember when you're going to engage with somebody else or when there's a high likelihood to pull your energy back in. She was kind of in la-la land, whistling tunes, showing that she was in a good mood, but see positive emotions are just as confusing as negative emotions. So she didn't prepare for interaction with just her husband or the kids maybe. But when she didn't prepare for that, she got knocked off center when she was just doing her thing. And he came into the room and right away she felt his, so-called, negative energy.
[00:38:49] And so right then when she saw that- First of all, to protect yourself when you come into a room, you can announce yourself, "Hey, I'm home!" And then you're prepared for whatever's coming at you. And you don't have to be defensive. You're just scanning the environment. And then right away at the door, she could probably pick up on his negative energy. So right away she could just go, 'Okay, pull that good time in a little bit." see, you don't have to get rid of it, you just are going, "I don't know if everyone here is in the same kind of mood that I am. So I'm just gonna protect this a little bit and be a little cautious."
[00:39:28] And then as she came in and sensed Michael's energy, that was when she may position herself differently in putting the groceries up to where he may not recognize it, but she's giving space. And then she could invite him into, "How's your day been?" See, when you're doing the inviting, you're not getting caught off guard, you're much more prepared to deal with the energies of the person or the room. And so right away she could've asked, giving herself the distance that she needed, he would've more than likely spilled the beans right there. And to remember that we need to just be an information gathering process.
[00:40:06] There's a certain period of time where we can work toward training to not respond or react until I gather ample information. And that's where I call it, "being in non-preference." To know that, to read the situation of the person optimally, you've got to be in that non-preference. So that's why I suggest learning to take that breath. To take that pause before any interaction is to learn, to get in that non-preference. Then once he says what he needs to say for Janet to remember that she doesn't need to defend in any way. She's just being receptive to her husband and, and truly supporting him in a way of like, "I really want to hear what has got you upset. And I want to hear your point of view and know that you're supported." And then, like I said, instead of just saying, "Well, I'm sure she didn't mean that." she doesn't have to say that so early in the conversation. Once again, she hasn't gathered enough information yet.
[00:41:05] So again, these are actions with good intentions, because she wants to put some of the fire out. So she says a few words like, "I'm sure she didn't mean that," but she don't know because she hasn't read the letters. She hasn't heard his whole story. And then allow people that get emotional to give you your space that you need, and then suggest maybe some space for them or you to go for a walk. And again, she could have removed herself and said, "Honey, I'm just gonna go for a very quick walk after I put the groceries up. And then I really want to get into what's bothering you or what's on your mind," and going out and preparing, and maybe getting more centered, more present and then to come to be truly receptive. But most of her reaction was from a defense standpoint and even getting caught off guard with his booming voice. But she had already sensed the energy and sometimes empathic people want to ignore what they know or what they sense, and they wanna pretend like it'll just go away. And what I'm suggesting is to invite it in, to recognize it, be prepared for it and stay centered.
[00:42:15] Aaron: Yeah. And I think she could have even said to Michael," Oh, well I'm just trying to see both sides here," and that could have been a response to what he said before he left.
[00:42:25] Alexander: Yes. And see, wanting to see both sides is a perfectly fine point. But again, when we tell somebody that, the initial feeling many times is to feel like they are against you. That they're not listening to your side. And that's why hopefully the agreement with most relationships, of whatever they are, can be that, "Hey, can we look at everything completely on all sides?" But in the initial conversation that may or may not be worth being brought up because it's a defense calling, so-to-say, especially if somebody's already emotional. Now in just general talking, you know, you might bring up from time to time, "Well, you know that I always wanna see it from as many sides as I can." But in each situation, be careful how you measure that. Because for some people that can sound defensive, and it's not in the bigger scheme of things. But when somebody's emotional, that's the way they're gonna take it.
[00:43:26] Aaron: That is productive when you're both grounded and want to actually work towards finding a resolution.
[00:43:32] Alexander: Yes. And again, to remember, very rarely does it help when either one or especially when both parties are emotional, that conflict resolution happens. That's normally when people aren't paying attention to the words they're using. They're just attempting to hurt the other because they're hurting. So conscious communication and emotions very rarely happen simultaneously.
[00:43:58] So always remembering that once you give yourself that space, and the emotional empath, to always remember to give also time, to schedule when you're gonna talk about this. To acknowledge, "Hey, obviously you're upset and I wanna talk to you about this. Would you like to go for a walk?" Or "I'm gonna go for a quick walk and then I'm really interested, if that's okay with you". Because it's important to let the person know that you want to connect with them. You want to resolve this and that how they feel about it is important. But both parties should have the freedom of when that is. And maybe she needs to bridge her energy a little bit from being excited for the weekend to, "Okay, I gotta pull it back in to be centered for this conversation with Michael."
[00:44:42] Aaron: And Michael's explosion makes it seem like this is something that has been building up over time. And maybe even like when Stan calls things out and their buddy-buddy, and he's having a session where he's releasing his frustration and Michael's listening, it almost sets Michael up to start looking for all these same situations that Stan is experiencing. And so maybe a lot of that is starting to leak in, because he was very overdramatic from what he read on the card. Louise, wasn't trying to make Zach into a girl, she was just talking about paying for his dance camp. Maybe Zach wants to go to the dance camp. We don't know yet. So he seems to be jumping to conclusions, and so I wanted to bring in emotional responsibility here and what could Michael have done differently processing the information if he found the card and got triggered by something that she said. How could he handle his emotions differently and then wanting to bring it up to Janet to discuss?
[00:45:40] Alexander: You know, one thing would've helped was him recognizing where Janet was and she seemed to be in a good mood. And when we're in a bad mood and somebody else is in a good mood, the tendency is to want to squash that good mood. But if you're truly in a loving relationship like that, you should be willing to give that person 30 minutes, 45 minutes, an hour, whatever to get acclimated. And so maybe in first interaction where he said, " Hello," in a downer voice, he could have just said, "Hey, I'm so glad that you're home. I'm looking forward to a great weekend. I've got something I need to talk to you about, but I need to go for a little walk to make sure that I'm centered first. And so, you enjoy, acclimate, get home, get into something comfortable. And then if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to talk to you about this in an hour or something like that."
[00:46:28] And when you know somebody's going to take it personally, again, a loving thing to do is to say this doesn't have anything to do with you. Because that person, if you just tell them you need to take some time, again, we want to make sure we're not hurting the people we love. We want to make sure we're being loving and communicative. And even if those tendencies come up in us, that we override those tendencies. Because again, his best interest should be in wanting Janet, after a full week at work, coming home on a Friday, excited about some enjoyment before they get into- this isn't something new. This is something that's been around for quite a while with her mom. So, you know, it's not an emergency type of situation that needs to be talked about right there in that moment. And maybe he did try to break away, but he just couldn't stand it. So sometimes this is why we need to remove ourselves from the situation completely and give space and time and opportunity to be of assistance.
[00:47:27] Aaron: Yeah. And I'm glad you brought up that point about making sure that person knows that it's not about them, if it isn't about them, because that is a trigger for some people-
[00:47:37] Alexander: Sure.
[00:47:37] Aaron: -to feel like immediately that they did something wrong, especially Janet, you know? [Yes.] What she went through internally.
[00:47:42] And then you mentioned not needing to talk about it if it's not an emergency, but possibly he just couldn't stand it, so he had to say something. I definitely resonate with that. I don't know if that is like a throat chakra activated in the Human Design thing but as I got to learn more about my basic design- When I have something I need to say, I feel like it's this restless energy that I just need to say it. I just need to get out how I feel. So, I resonate with what you said possibly is going on with him.
[00:48:12] Alexander: And I'm all for being able to say it, but get out away from everybody and say it like he said it to Janet. There's nothing wrong with him saying it that way, he just didn't necessarily need to say it to Janet that way. He could have went out, he could have gone for a walk or got on his tractor, his motorcycle, whatever, and took off and said whatever he needed to say. So I want all the listeners to understand that I'm all about the release of that vocal vibration, but many times we need to get it out first. Speak it to the wind, the sky, the trees, to Mother Earth. Get it out. But then that's only gonna help in the communication once you get that out, to come back and then be able to talk to the person a little bit more level headed. And very rarely do we remove ourselves from the person of the situation. And that's what happens is normally we do get it out, but if we get it out on that person, then it affects their ability to communicate with us.
[00:49:09] So truly if you're looking for conflict resolution, the focus is communication, and that means that how you manage your emotions going toward the other person is either gonna aid or hinder their communication. So this is why this is a shared and equal responsibility. That the true goal of the relationship is to work towards conflict resolution. And the pathway to that is optimal communication. And the pathway to optimal communication is that we allow our emotions to be processed. And part of that processing is release, but not on each other. So let's get to the release. Give space, time, and then come together non-emotional, and come to a conflict resolution.
[00:49:56] Aaron: Yeah, I think the trap many of us fall into is that this is personal, this is like happening to me. [Mm-hmm] and when we can take a step back and what we talk about with the J.U.S.T. Philosophy is looking at everything as energy. And if our emotional reaction is creating an energy and it's needing to come out, so it's like a trapped energy, we just need to release that energy. It doesn't matter who or how. I mean it does if we wanna be conscious, but what I'm saying is like a release out in the woods, to the trees on your own is the same thing, as we're discussing, as saying it out on somebody else. Except you're continuing the ripple and you're dumping your emotion onto somebody else, which is creating an emotional reaction to them. And then so on and so on versus going for a walk and saying it with the same response as you would if they were in front of you, you're releasing it the same, just not creating a ripple.
[00:50:50] Alexander: Yes. But one of the main differences is, is that most negative emotion released at somebody is meant to be intimidating. It's a war tactic. So see again, if you're interested in conflict resolution, you want to take that aspect out of it. See, there's nothing wrong with emotional reaction, but it's the intimidation that comes from it that ignites the other one and puts them in a fear mechanism and so then they attack back. And this is the vicious cycle.
[00:51:20] So again, we need to get away from that emotions are bad. The processing of them is what's important and that there's never really a need to dump that negative emotion onto somebody. And you're certainly not working toward conflict resolution and resolving the issue because yes, you're just activating their defense mechanisms. And so, our process of processing emotions in our culture has been more of an intimidation factor. And whoever was the most scary, so-to-say, won the so-called argument. But see that's not communication. And normally that has a very high cost. And a lot of our relationships, unfortunately in our culture, that's what it is, is this yelling at each other and somebody gives in and that's not working toward conflict resolution.
[00:52:11] Aaron: And as we wind down this episode, I wanted to bring Louise in. And you mentioned that she has good intentions with everything she's doing, with the cards that she's sent out, but she may be overlooking how it's gonna affect others. So if we were gonna bring consciousness into Louise, what are some things that she should consider here as she's having these epiphanies. And she's looking at life and bringing in new perspectives and wanting to be more loving and more positive. But again, overlooking that other perspective of how other people are going to see that.
[00:52:47] Alexander: Yeah, that's a great point. And one step that Louise seems to struggle with is the term respect. And so she could respect Janet and Michael by whatever she wants to gift or communicate with her grandchild, she has a willingness to communicate that with the parents first, before it's presented to the child. And that doesn't seem to be something that Louise is well versed at. She seems to just say whatever she wants to say, however she wants to say it, and then wants to leave the ripples to do whatever they're going to do. And I think this is some of the frustration of the family. But if she really wants to help this situation, it's that looking for any moment to show respect, because see, that's what she's looking for from her two kids. She's looking for respect.
[00:53:36] So see many times, whatever we're looking for, we need to be the example and give it over a long period of time to set the example. Just very similar to, you don't yell at somebody to tell them to listen to you. You don't teach somebody to listen by yelling at them. It does just the opposite. Children learn to block out certain frequencies to survive. But if you show someone how to listen by listening to them, especially when they have a different view than you, then you're exemplifying listening. You're actually teaching them to listen and eventually they will listen to you if you work with them, listening to them. So whatever you want out of others or your environment, learn to practice that yourself through example.
[00:54:23] Aaron: I love it. Well, thank you all for joining us on this premium episode of story number five. Appreciate everybody continuing to support us.
[00:54:32] Alexander: Yes. Much love to everybody. Reach out with questions or comments. We love your input.