In this chapter of Inward Journey, we witness a video chat between Janet and her mother to discuss a birthday card that Louise recently sent Zachary, Janet’s son that was seen back in episode 5 of the series. With Louise on the chat, Michael takes full advantage of her attention and goes on a rant only to find out it was all misguided in the end. Some of the themes discussed in this episode are ways we may seek approval from a parent, defense mechanisms around confrontation, preparing for confrontation, managing our build up of frustration to prevent future explosions, emotional detachment and many more.
Story written by: Aaron Keith
Story read by: Elena Maggio
Music by: Alexander
[00:00:21] Storyteller: Wise Whys - Inward Journey
[00:00:30] Episode 7: Call & Confrontation
[00:00:35] [sound of facetime ringing]
[00:00:38] “Oh that’s her!” Janet announced, directing her voice toward the part of the house where her husband, Michael, was supervising their two children, alerting them to quiet down. She quickly finished putting a few drops of essential oil into the diffuser that Stevie recently gifted her, in hopes that it would allow her to stay in a state of acceptance while discussing challenging subjects with her mother.
[00:01:02] [sound of facetime still ringing]
[00:01:04] “Okay, Mom! Jeez! I’m coming!”
[00:01:08] Janet took her seat at the kitchen table and accepted the video chat invite which displayed Louise’s face wayyy too close, revealing her aged skin and smeared lipstick.
[00:01:19] “Hi my love!” Louise’s voice boomed through the computer speakers.
[00:01:24] “Mommmmm. You are way too close to the computer!” Janet exclaimed with a giggle. ”Can you sit back a bit?”
[00:01:31] Louise scooted back and was now able to see her daughter on the screen. “Ohh, I see. I thought I had to talk close to the computer like it was a phone. I’m grateful Mr. Childroth let me borrow his laptop for this call so I can see your beautiful face a lot bigger.”
[00:01:49] “Oh, Mom. Thanks.” Janet felt her cheeks slightly heat up, as she blushed a little. Her mom’s words brought her back to her childhood. That’s the one thing her mom always did right, in her eyes. She was always there with a compliment on how good she looked.
[00:02:06] “So what did you want to talk about?” Louise questioned. “It must be something important to need to have a call on a Friday evening. We have tickets to the local art gallery premiere that I absolutely must be at. All of the local influencers are going to be there. So I have about 10 minutes before I need to go.”
[00:02:28] Hearing this, Janet dove right in, trying to find the right way to phrase it all. “Okay, Mom. So… Did you send Zachary a birthday gift… or card?”
[00:02:38] “Uhhh.. Yes. Yes, I did. Why, what’s wrong??” Louise questioned defensively.
[00:02:44] “Nothing.” Janet reactively blurted out. As she took a deep breath in, she noticed her heart beating deeper like a bass drum. She began to speak but was interrupted by a large source of movement just behind the computer. Her gaze drifted up to see Michael waving his hands around, desperate to get her attention.
[00:03:04] Her eyes locked with his. Janet tried to show her displeasure through her glare but Michael began whispering, throwing her off her game.
[00:03:13] “Her money. And the camp.”
[00:03:16] Janet’s face displayed a puzzled look as Michael mouthed a little louder. “Her money. And the camp!”
[00:03:23] “Janet, what is that?” Louise probed after hearing the faint whispers and observing Janet’s eyes leaving the camera. “Oh, I hear someone whispering… Is there a ghost there with you or something?”
[00:03:36] Louise’s attempt at a lighthearted joke went unnoticed as Janet replied distractedly, “No, Mom. It’s not. It’s -”
[00:03:45] [Michael] No, Louise. It’s me.” Michael sprang out from the other side of the screen and into the view of Louise. She picked up on the seriousness in his tone but still greeted him in a friendly manner.
[00:03:59] “Oh hi, Michael.”
[00:04:02] Michael cut Louise off and began directing the conversation. “Louise, we need to talk about the gift… the card you gave Zachary.”
[00:04:10] He paused just long enough for Louise to respond with a drawn out, “Okayyy” only to be cut off by Michael again.
[00:04:18] “I’m not done. I need you to listen.” Michael commanded.
[00:04:23] Feeling surprised and a bit frustrated by Michael’s insistent energy taking over her call, Janet sat back up and let out a “Hey! Hold on…” in protest. They had a discussion before the call about how Janet was going to handle the conversation and now she felt completely bulldozed by Michael backtracking on their agreement.
[00:04:45] Michael turned to Janet and put his index finger up to her face as if to signal ‘hold on’ as he audibly directed a, “No. I got this.”
[00:04:55] He turned back to the camera and locked eyes with the digital Louise virtually staring back at him. “My son is NOT going to a dance camp. He is NOT a girl. I don’t like that you are putting these ridiculous ideas into his head!”
[00:05:08] Michael took a breath. He could feel his hands dampening and the artery in his neck pulsing to the beat of his heart. His body was in total fight or flight mode, and he pushed on. “And if we want him to go to a camp, we can pay for it. Just because you suddenly find yourself with a sugar daddy, doesn’t mean that you can throw all your money at our children. You seriously have no boundaries!”
[00:05:35] Louise sat back with her mouth slightly open struggling for words. “I.. I did not. He told me he wanted to go to dance camp.” Her tone was frantic with an apologetic undertone. “I’m just trying to help where I can.”
[00:05:53] Michael recognized the innocence in her voice but convinced himself to slam harder on the gas. He thought about all the times he had bit his tongue in the past where he wanted to give Louise a piece of his mind and now it was here and he was going to take full advantage of it.
[00:06:10] “We don’t need your charity. It’s not your money. You didn’t earn it. Stop pretending to be something you aren’t… and stop telling Zachary he can be something he’s not!”
[00:06:22] After hearing the slanderous words coming from Michael, Louise instinctually put her hands up towards her ears as if to shield them, frantically blurted out, “I gotta go. I told Janet I have to go.”
[00:06:37] Louise’s face disappeared from the screen and Michael looked over at Janet who stared back at him in disbelief.
[00:06:43] “Michael, I cannot believe you just -” Janet began and Michael interrupted her with a “What?”
[00:06:50] His candor suddenly presented an innocence, like a child that tried to play off getting caught doing something naughty. He shrugged. “I had enough”.
[00:07:00] “Yeah. I noticed..” she said with a disapproving tone. She paused a few seconds then her demeanor lightened up. “You know, you know how much I love the movie Dirty Dancing right?”
[00:07:11] Surprised by the change in subject and the fact that he thought he was about to get into trouble, he breathed out a sigh and responded, “yeah… why?”
[00:07:20] “I think that might be where Zachary got the idea of dancing…” Her words trailed off as she delivered her explanation. “I was watching the movie a couple weeks ago and I mentioned how much I love dancing and how much fun it is to dance.”
[00:07:36] She paused, collecting her thoughts. Michael looked on with a bewildered face, trying to understand where this was going.
[00:07:45] “After that, for the next few days, he kept saying that he wanted to dance. I didn’t remember all of this until just now.”
[00:07:54] Michael’s face went from a bright red to more of a pale pink as his level of embarrassment rose. “Well… I was right about all the other stuff I said.” he let out in an attempt to avoid any wrongdoing.
[00:08:10] He walked over and closed the laptop with two fingers and then left the room, mumbling under his breath. “The only thing I’m sorry about was that she couldn’t handle the truth.”
[00:08:29] Aaron: Well, this story certainly starred Michael and certainly had little tidbits drop in about like Mr. Childroth, about Stevie, but I enjoyed it. It was fun to see Louise show her age, [mmhmm] thinking that the computer was a phone and being too close up to the camera when the video call started. What did you think about it, Alexander?
[00:08:50] Alexander: Yeah, it seems to just give a little bit more depth into the characters and the people that we're dealing with in this ongoing story and little idiosyncrasies of them. I like the way that it's developing the characters and hopefully more and more of our listeners are connecting with different aspects of different characters, and we look forward to knowing who is everybody's favorite character. And we're gonna continue to build these dynamics and relationships and really enjoying dissecting this in a real life type scenario and how to bring in the J.U.S.T. Philosophy and hopefully help intimacy and relationships and communication.
[00:09:27] Aaron: Yeah. And I think the dynamic nature of these characters, people can have a favorite based on traits that maybe they've moved past from. They don't necessarily have to be what they're resonating with now. They can appreciate the people that some of the characters are. Like, I certainly appreciate Louise for who she is, and I can see different aspects of myself in her as well. Of course, like I resonate with Stevie, but all of these characters I enjoy and for one reason or another, it doesn't necessarily need to be that I currently resonate with them.
[00:09:57] Alexander: Yes. And I think a lot of families can relate just that there are these types of little dramas that are ongoing, that create so much pressure in relationships, especially where parents are involved. So it's gonna be interesting. Now we're bringing in the kids involvement a little bit as well and the grandkids. So it just continues to grow and expand and the tensions, [laughs] they raise and then they go away. And this just seems to be the patterns of these episodes is bringing out these emotional reactions and how they play out.
[00:10:32] Aaron: It was interesting when Janet recognized the pattern of Louise going back to her childhood when she complimented her physical appearance on the video chat. It's right in line with what we've seen with Louise thus far, where she's a social media influencer, she's very surface level, and even the way that she's starting to dive into kind of like your spiritual practice with the mantras has also been more on the surface level. Like whatever's easier versus really getting in depth, and so we've kind of seen that here.
[00:11:07] Alexander: Yes. And that does seem to be a good general description of Louise and that surface level stuff that she seems to be working with, and when different people in the family don't resonate with it at different levels, but the one thing there that we did notice, and we'll expand a little bit on it in the full episode, is that Janet still needs and wants that approval from Louise. That it even made her seem to blush a little bit, even though maybe that's been what she's gotten from her mom her whole life. But I think she does thirst for a deeper connection, but in this certain episode, she just seemed to be frazzled from the beginning, and not able to really be a big part of resolving this issue or helping this issue.
[00:11:53] Aaron: And going into this video chat conversation, it seemed like Janet and Michael had a conversation about how they wanted it to go, and Janet knew that this was gonna be confrontational. She was taking the lead because it's her mother. So Michael was taking a step back, even though when we're discussing this, it leads in from episode number five where Janet and Michael experienced that argument where what we think happened is Zachary came home from school, probably got the card in the mail and Michael saw it before Janet got home and Michael brought it to Janet's attention. But of course he may have blown some things out of proportion.
[00:12:34] And in this episode, we do get a little bit more of the backstory that we'll talk about a little later. But I wanted to bring in Janet's emotional reaction when discussing this conversation with her mom, even though she knew going in what she was gonna be talking about, she still was experiencing some physical symptoms of an emotional reaction. And then when the conflict came she immediately said "nothing" when her mom was asking her what's wrong about the card. And so she had prepared, but when it happened she didn't want to have that confrontation, or it was very hard for her. And I think this is something that many people experience as well.
[00:13:10] Alexander: Yeah. And again, this is a point of good intentions. Because yes, maybe Janet and Michael discussed how they were going to handle this, but see, it's a good representation of the emotions coming in. It basically redirects our whole way of thinking, our whole way of being. And then of course, that made him go into frustration as well. And we're going to dissect both of these and how they affected the call with the energy that they brought to it possibly rather than waiting another day or two to give it a little more time for those emotions to calm down. And we're really going to get into the importance of going into confrontational communication, but making sure that you are balanced and centered. And right away, I think that's what you were highlighting there. Janet got knocked off of balance right away, and so she wasn't able to follow through with what Michael felt like they had discussed so he felt a need to step in and we see what happened.
[00:14:10] Aaron: Yeah, and I wonder if Michael was like," No, I'm gonna have this conversation!" And then Janet maybe talked him down and was like, "No, I'll handle it." And then maybe she wasn't as prepared as she thought she was.
[00:14:20] Alexander: Because she is the natural buffer in the family. So, she's normally very comfortable playing that role, but there's I'm sure multiple reasons of why she got knocked off center and wanted to avoid that confrontation, but she may have just thrown fuel on the fire, so to say, by getting Michael involved before she could have enough time to buffer that situation.
[00:14:43] Aaron: And so we bring in Michael here and I laugh at thinking about or visualizing him, like moving his hands wildly behind the screen and doing jumping jacks, trying to get her attention. And then him hoping that Janet is gonna remember, so he's sending reminders, whispering, and Louise makes a joke about it being a ghost. I thought that all that was pretty comical. But with the characters in it in the moment, for them, it's real so it's not funny.
[00:15:08] Alexander: Yes. This is very challenging.
[00:15:09] Aaron: But when we take a step back and look at this, because we're not emotionally invested.
[00:15:13] Alexander: Sure.
[00:15:13] Aaron: It can be pretty comical. But Michael interrupted Janet, even though they had a conversation about what she was gonna do, and he went back on that, so I feel like maybe he slighted Janet a little bit, but if Janet maybe was backtracking on or having a fear of confrontation, so maybe she wasn't doing what they originally agreed on. So we don't know. It's a little bit ambiguous, but I like that because we can speculate and look at both sides of it.
[00:15:40] Alexander: Yeah.
[00:15:40] Aaron: There is that factor that Michael felt like he had to have more control of the situation because it wasn't being handled the way that maybe he foresaw it.
[00:15:48] Alexander: He's already charged, so this more than likely has a lot more to do than just this one situation, and that's what he pulled on is stuff from the past. And in the longer discussion, we're going to break that down a little bit into how all of us when we have an emotional reaction, it's typically connected to much more than the situation at hand. A lot of times it has very little to do with the situation at hand, but it's connected to many, many, many similar situations throughout a person's life. So that's why very rarely, when you're trying to work out something emotional, you're dealing with more than what is present. And most people aren't aware of that, and that's very important to understand why consciousness and emotions aren't normally happening simultaneously. They're kind of separate ends of the spectrum, if you can see, and we are beings that were designed to experience both of those spectrums. So good old family and the buttons that they can push. They have the most wonderful opportunity to teach us the golden lessons that we need is in our families.
[00:16:49] Aaron: Yeah, it seems like part of Michael's frustration that was fueling, what we can say was an over top reaction from an outsider, was probably his failure to communicate his frustrations all the other times that led up to this. He's just at the point where he can't handle it anymore, emotionally and internally, so it's now coming out in this explosive way. So I'm excited to get into ways that we can handle these things as they come up and not just push 'em to the side. And I think part of this is not Louise's fault, [mm-hmm] it's Michael's failure to communicate and his frustration with himself in the past. But of course, when we aren't aware of that type of thing it's gonna come out externally.
[00:17:36] Alexander: Yes. Yes. Michael's a good example of many people that do bite their tongue and hold stuff back. And many times they act like things don't bother them, but it's eating them up inside and then often they will explode or go to an extreme over a situation. And it seems at the end of the story of this episode that that's the case that he's being faced with, that maybe he did overreact. But then he tries to justify it to say, "Well, I'm not apologizing for the other stuff that I said, because all that was true." And that's just a typical defense mechanism that most people deal with with their ego. And it very rarely leads to clarity or helping the situation. So we'll see how it continues to go.
[00:18:19] Aaron: Yeah. And then at the end, that part that you brought up, we then were talking right before this about why didn't they ask Zachary where he got it from? Why are they going between them and trying to figure this out and blaming it on Louise? And it ends up being that possibly, he just got it from a movie and it's so innocent. And this whole thing has blown up into something it didn't have to be, but it has revealed these underlying root causes of these other things.
[00:18:49] Alexander: Yes.
[00:18:49] Aaron: So it is kind of good that this example is happening. This whole lack of communication is blowing up in into something, because it is revealing some underlying issues that haven't been taken care of.
[00:18:59] Alexander: Yes. And you know, many parents are guilty of not including their kids in either the dissection of something or the consideration of something. And if they do many times, the parents go to the child with intimidation. Michael would've probably went with disgust toward the child. Many times when the parents do go to the child, there is that intimidation factor. So you still don't get the truth from the child. So often the parents just decide to skip the child and go to directly the source, so to say. And here again we want to highlight that Louise's innocence in all this, and she's just trying to be kind and give a gift to her grandson about something that she thought he was interested in. And this happens all the time, trying to make decisions out of reaction, emotional reactions.
[00:19:50] Aaron: And Louise has gotten her fair share of highlighting her unconscious ways of doing things. And so she's been highlighted quite a bit these these first six or seven episodes. But I did want to give a shout out to Louise for communicating her boundaries at the beginning of the call. Whether Janet was disappointed that her mom only left her 10 minutes, but at least she did voice that so there wouldn't be this hard stop and it maybe interrupted the flow of the call. So good job by her for doing that.
[00:20:17] Alexander: Yeah. I think that's a good point and that many people can learn from that if you set a boundary early in the connection, people have less of a reaction then when you need to get away and you haven't explained why necessarily. So, yeah, that's a nice little highlight area for Louise.
[00:20:35] Aaron: All right. So excited to get into more depth of this episode seven.
[00:20:39] Alexander: Let's journey.
[00:20:40] Aaron: Excited to be in the premium part and lay down some depth with my man Alexander here.
[00:20:44] Alexander: Yes. Yes, yes. Welcome everybody. Let's go a little bit deeper.
[00:20:48] Aaron: All right. Yeah. Let's jump into Louise getting more into her personality. She compliments Janet and she started blushing, and for you, that was a clue into Janet is looking for this type of, maybe relationship or energy from her mom. I didn't quite read into it that much, but I'm glad that you brought that up because I do want to go deeper into that because on the surface level, Louise seems very superficial. And so it brought Janet back to her childhood, how her mom always gave her physical compliments and maybe Janet longs for a deeper relationship with her mom. And based on her reaction, her blushing to that compliment. Is that kind of what you got out of that?
[00:21:32] Alexander: Well, possibly that that's what threw her off course, is that she's preparing to not necessarily attack her mom, but to confront her mom. And then her mom gives her a compliment right off the bat. So see that makes a normal buffer type of person. They soften because they don't want to go with that person right after being given a compliment. Not to say that this isn't part of Louise's strategy, to use her compliments in that way, but it seemed that something did throw Janet off course there. And many people can use kindness in a way when they are fearful of being confronted about something and they can change the energy a little bit. And it certainly did frustrate and send Michael into a reaction.
[00:22:18] Aaron: Yeah. I mean, it could also be a defense mechanism with Louise. She knows that this may be something confrontational and that's her way of making it less awkward?
[00:22:28] Alexander: Mm-hmm. Sure. And just throwing somebody off course or making them feel guilty, if you do say anything negative after I was so kind to compliment you, but I do agree that Janet does seem to be seeking a deeper connection with her mom. But lots of people are used to getting certain types of energy or compliments from maybe their mom or their dad. And so still, even after they're grown, when they hear that it does take them back and it can be very rewarding. And I think that Janet obviously appreciated it because she did blush. But it could have been a technique of Louise's either conscious or subconscious.
[00:23:06] And the reason that we're sharing this in a, maybe this, maybe that way is to help everyone when you are seeing family members do things similar. We're just giving multiple options of what it could be. But the main reason that we're giving these options of what it could be is so that it can help you with judgment, and that you can get out of judgment, because everything that people do that creates an emotional reaction isn't intentional. And it certainly seems that yes, Louise is a pill and a challenging person to deal with, but many, many times so far in these stories, she's kind of been the bad guy when she's just trying to do what most people would see as kind things, but we don't know the whole history of their life and the frustrations over many years. It seems like her relationship with this wealthy gentleman is creating Louise to be a different person than she's been. So, although she's excited about changing, other people in the family just don't trust it. And that happens a lot, again, in relationships. We don't have to judge it, but just to see that when people get with other people, they are very influenced by that person. And this can make family members question the relationship, question the other person, especially when they see someone changing as much as it seems like Louise is so far up to this point.
[00:24:26] Aaron: Something that you brought up in what you just said resonated with me where if I'm gonna have a challenging conversation with somebody, I almost need to psych myself up so that I don't back down when I hit that confrontation. Because I'm a 3/5 in profile in the Human Design. That 5 is that energy where we're social, but we shy away from confrontation. [Yes.] And so I will try to do everything to not have that confrontation. But when I know I need to, I almost need to psych myself up. When Louise did throw that compliment Janet's way, I can feel how that could totally throw me off my game and my focus. And then I would be having second thoughts like, "Oh, this person is not that bad." and then almost feel guilty for having to have this such strong energy even if I'm like establishing my boundaries. That is a masculine thing, and I could probably tend to be over masculine, to psych myself up, to get the willpower, to bring to this conversation.
[00:25:28] Alexander: Yes. I think that's a incredible thing to first recognize for your own self growth, but for the listeners to hear as well, because yeah, that, that whole pumping up or preparing can overemphasize. And you're bringing that energy in, as we said we were gonna talk about this, because when you go for a conversation of resolve- Now, a conversation of resolve is different than a conversation of confrontation. And the way that this was set up, it's certainly a conversation around confrontation. If you wanted a conversation around resolve, the consideration is that you give it a little more time, like maybe another day or two, and time has a way to allow the emotions to process or to work through. And many times people wanna make decisions when they're in that emotional state. And that time that if maybe that day or two was given, then Michael wouldn't have shown himself in this way, and now be realizing that, "Oh yeah, maybe I jumped the gun a little bit." But one of the biggest disciplines in following consciousness or self growth is not reacting when somebody else is emotionally reacting. And in the Human Design, it does break it down to show people whether you have the emotional center activated or not.
[00:26:46] And in this situation, Aaron's isn't activated and mine is activated. So how we experience the influence of other people's energies are very, very different. And we're going to get into breaking down each character's designs and cards as well, to give a little bit more understanding of that. But it certainly seems like Janet is very affected by the emotions of others around her. So it may be a high likelihood that she has that center white (non-activated), and when people come around that have that center activated and they're in those emotions, it can be overwhelming for the other person. That seems to be some of Janet's struggle here is that she first was affected by Michael's intensity, like before the call, and then during the call, and then she got knocked off center by her mom's compliment. And so she's really almost like a pinball between these two. And then of course, finally, Michael steps in and takes over. And I think that that probably made Janet shrink. Just not in her own energy, but in fear of this confrontation between her husband and her mother.
[00:27:53] Aaron: Yeah. And I really like the idea of what you just brought in, which is," What is the intention of this conversation?" Is it of confrontation or is it of resolve? And that brings me back to, would you rather be right? Or are you trying to be right? Or are you trying to be helpful in this situation? And it does seem like when it is emotionally led, that this was one of confrontation because Louise didn't even know what was going on. And so, it was meant to be confrontational, meant to point something out to her and maybe whatever was said was said, but it wasn't really of resolve when you look at it.
[00:28:26] Alexander: Yes, yes. That whole intention at the beginning is very, very important. And again, Janet and Michael, aren't really aware of these options. I think Stevie meeting Rio, Stevie and Stan's working on some of that stuff. And Stevie really wants to share more of it, and she's talked to Janet about some of it, but they've all got a lot of room to grow. And right now it just really seems like that household, with Janet and Michael, is very emotionally reactive and they seem to really frustrate each other. And I think Michael sees Janet in the middle all the time and nothing's getting better. And so he really seems to start to be showing his irritation, and this is maybe one of the first kind of explosions. Because I think typically Michael has a very quiet kind of demeanor and everybody, I think, feels like he just lets things rolled off of his back.
[00:29:21] But when you see buildups like this, always be aware that the quiet person isn't always letting stuff roll off their back. Some of those quiet people are letting it consume them, letting it weigh them down. So it's good to just be observant of people in your family, and of course the J.U.S.T. Philosophy suggests that communication is the key, but communicating without the emotions is so, so important. And they went directly into this emotionally and didn't get really resolved at all. But now, they've come to maybe an explanation. But see, they don't have a resolve cause now something has been done that can't be undone and now we have more information.
[00:30:05] So this is where it gets into the idea of suggesting apologies. And I don't know, but Michael don't seem too much like the cat that's really into giving apologies. So this could strike a deeper cord with Janet. They've still got to explain all of this to the kids because they are there at the house, I'm sure they're hearing some of this. So there's gonna be ripples of the way it was approached and unfortunately this happens over and over in relationships. And the key is giving it time, discussing it between the mates before taking it to the third party, getting on the same page as the mates, because see if you're not on the same page with your partner going to confront somebody about something, that's many times where it falls apart.
[00:30:51] So we're all about conflict resolution, but not setting somebody up for just that confrontation. And I think it made everyone uncomfortable except Michael, because he was in the majority of the emotion. But now he's going to have to deal with the potential of guilt and shame at what he did and see how that affects his marriage.
[00:31:13] Aaron: So I did want to just highlight that tool that's very useful if somebody has to enter into a conversation that might be confrontational, which is asking yourself, going in, "Would you rather be right? Would you rather be helpful?" And even in an episode that we had where we were talking about a social media post, it was very useful to me because I had my ego come in, but then I could set that aside and actually ask myself, "Do I want to be right in this situation or do I want to be helpful?" And I was able to make the choice to be helpful. And then that dictated my actions going forward in this confrontation or conflict. And so it's extremely useful. You could use it in any part of your life.
[00:31:52] Alexander: Mm-hmm yes. And when there's not a situation going on, when you're as content as you can be, to really ask yourself that question. And many of us want to be right. We fight to be right, whether it's on social media or in conversations or whatever it is and we've even trained to be right. But the J.U.S.T. Philosophy focuses a little bit differently to where if one person feels right about something due to the law of polarity, there has to be another person that feels equally the exact opposite.
[00:32:24] So the more that you push that, the more confrontation you're going to come to. But if you're looking to be helpful, see, anytime somebody is right, that means somebody has to be wrong. And I've never seen somebody that was wrong change their opinion in that moment. But if you take the energy away from that drive to be right, and you're just willing to think, "what can I say here to be helpful? Or what can I ask here to be helpful?" Because there's a much different feeling, walking away from a conversation, to where you were right. And you feel the other person was wrong. That's normally ego driven, and some people like what that feels like, but when you compare that or match that to the idea of when you truly feel helpful. When somebody's struggling with something and you were able to give words or give physical help to help them, the feeling that that gives goes what I call is food for the soul. And the ego stuff is just food for the mind and we never get enough of that, but that's why people chase it. But you get very filled when you are able to be useful to someone. And it's just a slight shift of the perception and the difference between confronting somebody about something and coming to them with a resolution or a way to move forward that benefits everybody involved.
[00:33:50] Aaron: Yeah and I think what we're just talking about here is how to prepare yourself for a conversation like Janet could have used in this situation, or even had the conversation with Michael if they had the tools of the J.U.S.T. Philosophy. And I like part of what you're saying. In this case, how could they have used this information? If Janet said to Michael, "Okay, we're gonna talk to my mom about this. Would we rather be right or be helpful?" How could they have chosen to be helpful in this situation or what would that look like if they chose that path?
[00:34:21] Alexander: Well, right away is gathering more information before confrontation. And that would be to talk to the son and just asking simple questions, not pressured questions, but just, "Have you been interested in dance? If so, where did you get this influence?" You know, and then more than likely he would've said, 'Yeah, from some movie mom was watching and she talked about dancing was cool. And so I've watched some videos on YouTube and just thought it might be cool to do a dance camp." You know, very, very innocent. And that could have kept from the confrontation needing to happen. But even if they had to skip that part, when you go to a person from a confrontational view and you decide that you don't want to confront them on something, but you want to share something with them that's going shed light to help the situation, many times that is started with questions, but not questions with a sting. It's that you're showing a true interest. Just like you're gonna do it to like a seven year old that was upset. And you're just asking them, "Hey, what's going on here?" If they would've just said, What exactly was your intentions with sending Zachary that card with the invitation?" Get the other person's perception, point of view, where they're coming from, without that energy of attacking. Truly inquire.
[00:35:49] And lots of parents fail with this with their kids too, because they'll ask a question, but it will be like evoking fear behind it because they want to scare this child straight so to say. But all of these little techniques that have been used for so long breaks down trust, breaks down communication. And so starting off with really pure questions is a great place to start rather than the confrontation of "You did this and this is what I think of it," and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, kind of the way that it went down.
[00:36:24] Aaron: Yeah. Because I think it even teaches kids to look and try to come up with the answer that you're looking for so they're not in trouble or they don't get that energy versus actually getting the information.
[00:36:37] Alexander: Yes, that's exactly what our culture teaches our kids. I like to suggest that it takes up to seven years old before they really start developing the ability to comprehend how things really work in this world. And that's just the beginning. And at that point from seven to 12 years old, we basically teach our kids to lie to us by the way that we have taught them about Santa Claus and the Easter bunny and certain holidays and things like that, that we're basically lying to them, and then one day we tell them the so-called truth. And we're just expecting them to not do that to us. It's very confusing for a child.
[00:37:14] So that's why many times young teenagers around 12 to 15 or so really, really test their parents. But I like to suggest that normally the kids are only reflecting back what the parents or the environment they grew up in reflected or exemplified for them. So many times parents get to deal with what they planted and exercised and exemplified, and they typically don't like it. And so looking at that in our culture, I think that is changing now in different areas. But, I am all for giving kids more respect earlier rather than making them feel like nothing until they get to a certain age, and okay, now you're supposed to be a major part of society. And, that respect could be brought in at a very early age in communicating with them more like an adult, rather than just like a child. And the sooner you start that kind of dialogue, I feel like, the earlier they're able to pick it up.
[00:38:16] Aaron: And of course what's really important is their Human Design profile and if you're hearing this and you're interested in raising small children to be very productive and emotionally responsible adults, you can reach out to Alexander and he can help you figure out their Human Design profiles and have more conversations like this. But thinking about a child being a 5, especially if they're gonna do anything they can to not have confrontation with that parent, so they are gonna scheme and figure out exactly what that parent wants to hear to not get in trouble or to be almost like the good guy in the situation.
[00:38:53] Alexander: Yes. And that's exactly right that they learn to give the parents what they want rather than the so-called truth. And it's just an extenuation of the lying that is basically taught and then it's turned on them and they're punished for it when they are just doing what the parents have done. And many times parents won't tell the kids the truth about a dying animal or something like that. And they make up stories to say, "Well, they don't need to deal with that", but I don't necessarily agree with that because many times things that are kept from the child was put in that child's path for them to learn certain lessons. And then when those things are kept back they may not be necessarily as prepared. And I say all of that with great compassion, because I know raising kids myself, it was challenging sometimes to talk to them about certain things but, truly feeling that honesty is the right way, is what I chose, even from them as early as seven or eight years old.
[00:39:50] And when we brought all of that level of honesty in and shine the light on all of these historical figures and the holidays and that kind of thing, and just decided to do things a little bit different in our way. And it benefited everybody that was involved. But just really seeing the importance of that, of raising a child, the way that they were cosmically designed to be, and that's connected to the astrology, which is connected to physics technically.
[00:40:17] But most parents out there are doing their best, but they're raising the kids the way that they are being told from their government, from their family, from their school system. And so it can be very, very confusing. And that's what I see in my private practice of over 15 years is most people's unhappiness is that they're so far away from their cosmic design or the way that the Divine wanted them to be. And although it was with best of intentions of our families to give us the things they did, or keep things from us, or give us the experiences they did, normally it is with good intentions. But when you can support a child, the way they are designed, you can truly see them prosper and not struggle as much.
[00:41:00] Aaron: I think we could talk about this all day, but I did want to transition more into later on the episode, looking at the source of all of Michael's anger going into this, and it seemed like he did choose to be right in this situation. [Mm-hmm] And a lot of his anger wasn't, or can't be justified with that certain situation that we're looking at. So we have to think that there's been this accumulative effect of all these other times where he has bit his tongue and tried to be the cool and calm dude. But from a personal level or an authentic level, he's definitely not that person. And so he's fooling himself almost where he's allowing these things to slip off of him and then it's slowly building up, building up and it's altering the way he's starting to interact with Louise over time. And then it comes down to something like an experience that's so small, but it ends up blowing up into something way overdramatic.
[00:42:01] And so I wanted to talk about how to manage these smaller things that keep happening, because I can definitely resonate with this in my life where we think they don't bother us even doing this work. It's almost like a detriment because we can fool ourselves that, "Oh, I'm doing this work and I'm aware of these things, so I'm not taking these on." and then over time we don't realize it but, we're getting farther and farther away from being grounded. And our limit is getting smaller and smaller of what we can handle until something like this happens where we do blow up.
[00:42:36] And I do feel like a lot of these things that have compounded from Michael have been his failure to communicate, to speak up in the moment and just allowing it to pile up. And a thing that I think plagues most people is our inability to speak up in the moment, or maybe we shouldn't speak up in the moment, but how to handle that energy when it happens, when we feel like we're being slighted, but we just allow it to move on. We're like, "That's water under the bridge. I'm not gonna worry about that." But then the next time it happens, the next time it happens.
[00:43:08] Alexander: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So one part of this is many times the person that this happens to, like Michael is they're emotionally detached. And so see, they seem like they don't care, but they're still, depending on their design, once again, he could have the emotions nonactivated so he's absorbing the energy, although mentally he acts like, oh, I don't care about any of this. I'm not gonna get involved. And so kind of being aloof around that. But it absorbs in, and it creates bitterness and resentment and that kind of thing.
[00:43:43] And so, one thing to do is understanding that it's easier to deal with something in the very beginning than the more time that goes on because of the accumulation of experiences and the weight of that, especially people that are afraid of confrontation. A phrase that I like to suggest to use is something like, "I'm not saying that this is what you meant, and that's why I'm coming to you, but this is the way that I received this. And I wanted to give you an opportunity to make sure that I'm not misconstruing something that you truly intended." And see, that is more interested in the resolve of the situation. It's more interested in being useful in the situation. Because before you sit around and brood about it for a whole evening or a night or whatever, that could be through a text or through a phone of like voice message or a phone call, to as soon as something hits you the wrong way to just consider why we allowed it to affect us that way.
[00:44:50] Normally that means that there's, there are other instances that we've gone through that this is activating. So that can be very useful for a deeper level of work of self development, because then you can be thankful for the person just being the teacher. And they're just showing you that, hey, you've got some anger you need to get rid of. Because the key is, is that you're not going to get angry. If you don't carry anger in you. You're gonna have another response or another reaction.
[00:45:19] So those are two of the main keys is being willing to stop the focus on the other person, and say, "Whoa, why did I just allow that to bother me in that way? Let me look at that. Let me see what similar situations I've been through. And maybe I need to do some forgiveness on that." When we work on the stuff from the past, it helps for the situations not to come into the present. But the situations aren't likely to stop coming into the present until we release all of these similar situations from the past.
[00:45:53] So knowing the connection of why you're experiencing the emotion you are, takes the energy internally rather than external. And then posing that question of "Would I rather be useful or right?" Here, again, softens that, to be able to ask a question, "I'm not saying that this is what you intended, but this is the way that I received that. And if you intended it that way, then I would like to know that. But if you intended in another way, I certainly wanted to give you the opportunity to explain it." And I happen to feel that just that question in that way knocks out about 50% of negative issues. Because the majority of the time there's a misunderstanding. There's a misconstruing of what was said, and we're all guilty of this. So to inquire purely from as neutral of a point as you can, before activating all of those defense mechanisms, so to say.
[00:46:52] Aaron: And when somebody is practicing this Philosophy or this way of life, it can look to an outsider as being passive, but like what you just described it's actually a very active process internally. And so you're talking about each time somebody feels like just even a little bit slighted that's when you become active internally and you ask "Why am I allowing this to affect me? Where in the past have I felt this same sort of emotion?" And then tying it back to that. And then going through more of a healing process that we've talked about in other episodes.
[00:47:30] So, for somebody looking at Michael, he can almost look like the same as somebody who's actively practicing this because from the outside, they both are kind of passive.
[00:47:41] Alexander: Yes. Because you're taking the energy from the negative emotion, so to say, utilizing our Three Rs, which is Recognize it, show it Respect and then Redirect it. And see, this is part of that second step of showing it respect is that when you can turn the adversary, so to say, that you feel like it just attacked you, into your teacher, you're no longer carrying negative energy toward them. So now when you're able to be thankful and went, "Wow, you just brought up some frustration in me and I see that this was because my brother did this when I was growing up, so I need to work with some of that forgiveness work with my brother. And now I'm in gratitude to you for being the teacher. Now I'm going to inquire to you as the teacher, is this what you meant? Cause this is the way that I received it, but I don't want to assume that that's the way you intended it," and give that person, that opportunity. See you softened the attack or the confrontation you've taken the confrontation away. You're truly looking for the resolution of the situation, but that all starts energetically in how you come to that situation. And both Janet and Michael came to that confrontation with that confrontation mentality. Michael brought anger and frustration with him and Janet was fearful. She was fearful of what was about to go down. And like I said, many times between mates and parents, that can be very, very conflicting. And it's all about keeping the reactions down, given enough time in between the conversations, but making sure that once you go back, that you're looking for the resolve rather than the confrontation.
[00:49:28] Aaron: One interesting perspective that I was envisioning could be happening with Michael is that these are his in-laws. So right off the bat, he may have taken a more of a passive approach. Like, "This isn't my family, these people are crazy. I don't need to get involved", but then when he sees Jane, his wife, playing that mediator role and not really resolving these issues and they're just becoming more compounded. And now they're starting to affect him because they're starting to affect Janet and everybody around Michael, cuz Michael is boys with Stan. Maybe this is also him being like, "I need to take charge here because this is getting way out of hand." All these people aren't handling it the way he feels like it should be handled, which is more of a very like low-end masculine way that we're used to seeing in our society. And so I wanted to bring in that perspective of being an in-law and maybe taking more of a passive role at the beginning, but then when you start to see this is affecting my life, you overcompensate in a way.
[00:50:27] Alexander: Yeah. And here Michael's line may be the children. As long as my kids aren't involved with this, I can be passive. I can blah, blah, blah. And so some people are just overly protective and not saying here that Michael's overly protective, but that may be where he draws the line. And I can deal with Janet being Janet and Louise being Louise and Stan being Stan and that family being the way that they are, but now this has crossed a line and I'm not gonna let this ripple into, into the children. And so it's gonna be interesting to see how they move forward from here. Because again, this can create major ripples in relationships. And we'll see how much Janet needs to defend Louise or whether Louise is going demand an apology, or if everybody's going to just not say anything and just kind of let it ride. But the wonderful thing is time will tell and time always does tell.
[00:51:24] Aaron: So what advice would you give somebody who is an in-law and looking at their person's family and all the dysfunction, cuz I think it's so easy to see the dysfunction when you're not a part of that family and not in the middle of it, especially as a partner to somebody. And if they're seeing it all play out and they don't want to get involved, how can they be helpful in that situation?
[00:51:52] Alexander: Well, the first thing I feel like is Michael truly giving Janet an opportunity to get clear on this. That he, I think, skipped, due to his emotional reaction, he skipped to the front, didn't feel like Janet was handling it, but doesn't mean that she wouldn't have, if she would've been given the whole 10 minutes, but I'm sure he's carrying frustration. But the main thing here is that he was just in an emotional reaction. And for whatever reason, whether it was drawing the line with the child or whatever, he was gonna make sure that something got vocalized at least in that setting. And so it's not likely to work out good anytime those emotions are there.
[00:52:34] So being willing, when you're dealing with an in-law, to realize that giving your partner the opportunity to clear it up first. If that can't happen, then hopefully asking permission or blessing from your partner to go talk to them directly, but privately. And normally private conversations are more ideal for these types of confrontational situations. And normally in person is better than just over phones or even over screens, because things can be once again, misconstrued.
[00:53:10] But again here, Michael didn't go into this truly wanting resolve what he went into it was to make a statement to Louise that, "Do not do this anymore." And so he got to make a statement and he got to say that he didn't want any more of their money, that kind of thing. So he's making a lot of demands and normally people, when they're in that emotional reaction, they feel justified to make those demands. So here again, hopefully things can settle down. Janet can step into a more of an authoritative role with her mom. But see Stan's frustrated with her too, always taking her sides. So see, Janet can be very guilty for just taking the side opposite of either Stan or Michael. And it's not that she's taking sides, but she tries to help them to see a different view. And that doesn't, once again, always help. It almost always feels like your partner or your sister's always on the other person's side. But this is very challenging for those buffer people in the middle, and it normally ignites even more of a reaction out of the partners.
[00:54:20] So ideally if your mate can deal with the parent directly, and then if not, I think it's very kind and considerate to ask, "Hey, do you mind if I go have a conversation?" Giving it some time to pass. Working the emotional out through conversation with the mates before going to confront. But then when you go to confront instead of confronting, inquire. Inquire. But make sure that you first communicate with the other people involved. Here it was the kid. So what not to do is easier to see here and that's jump the gun and try to communicate with emotions at all, much less emotions running so high. And that's the part of this work that is the most disciplinary. You have to be disciplined because it's in that energy of those emotions to say stuff, to wave your hands, to be very exaggerated. And most of the time it is too much when somebody's at that stage and there's not any communication happening. And in this situation Louise gets off the call and I don't see how she can feel anything but disgusted, wore out, confused, many, many different things. So there was very little communication that happened in that exchange, but lots of emotions are swirling around.
[00:55:40] Aaron: And so wrapping up this episode, I didn't wanna overlook Michael at the end when, introduced to new information, that made it seem like his whole emotional reaction was for nothing, because Louise didn't really do what he was saying or accused her of doing. And I'm sure most of us can resonate or remember having experiences where we did emotionally react, and then we later found out that our emotional reaction was on information that wasn't true. And so then I feel like how we handle that determines a lot about who we are. And Michael refused to acknowledge that that changed anything. He just came up with what he was right about. So when we're faced with new information that kind of renders our initial perspective or emotional reaction incorrect, how do we get past that ego? Just like trying to find any way to justify what we did.
[00:56:41] Alexander: Well, it's a practice in humility. I'm not a big fan of apologies. Instead of an apology, what I prefer to experience with other people is to recognize what you did, so called, incorrectly or not optimally. To respect it by saying, "This is what I see needs to change, and I'm gonna do this, this and this differently next time." And then the redirect is actually in the action the next time that it's happening that you do something different.
[00:57:15] So when somebody comes to me with an apology and starts to say, "I'm sorry," or "I really apologize for what happened." I mean, that's so culturally accepted and many people just go to it so easily that it doesn't mean anything. For some people, it does mean something. But to me, for all people, those three things of knowing this is what I recognize that I did incorrectly, these are the things that I see that I need to adjust it, and then I'm gonna exemplify that in the redirecting the next time the opportunity comes up. See, I don't carry any problem with people failing or making mistakes, as long as the attitude is this is teaching me what not to do next time. And that's the culture that I want to build and for our listeners to really sink into, that it's about redirecting that energy and to see that the power of an apology can truly be informative rather than just trying to excuse yourself from doing something that you wish you didn't.
[00:58:17] Aaron: All right. I've loved this conversation. I feel like the biggest part was bringing in the "Would you rather be right? Or would you rather be helpful?" I feel like that was the whole theme. If our listeners out there take anything from that, remember that phrase and it can save you a lot because it allows you to re-look at your values and what your intention is in certain situations.
[00:58:37] Alexander: Yes. And I thank you, aaron, for this wonderful episode and for you beautiful listeners. I appreciate it. And I'm gonna share a little secret. If any, you are picking up any special vibes out there, my son Ryan here is in the studio. In the Wise Whys studio sitting back listening and really appreciate him and his energy being here. So much love to all of you guys, and we look forward to connecting on the next episode.