In this thought-provoking conversation with special guest Ryan Biallas, we dive into rethinking manners in this modern age and explore the importance of consideration in our self-development practice. Join us as we unravel the transformative power of conscious etiquette, shedding light on practical strategies and inspiring stories that unlock resistance and foster acceptance in our contemporary world.
[00:00:21] Aaron: Are manners conscious or is there another way of looking at this subject? There are things we all learn throughout life and we are taught to have this certain behavior that is acceptable by our parents. But I think there's another way of looking at this, and this is definitely something that, through conversations with Alexander that, I've gained a different perception of, and that's what we're here to share and discuss and have an open conversation about today. And I am Aaron Keith, along with me today is Alexander, and we have Ryan Biallis in the studio today, so it's a full house. Also, Jaco is here laying next to me.
[00:00:57] Alexander: Welcome everyone. So good to have you with us, and I'm excited about having Ryan with us today to share a little bit of his wisdom with us.
[00:01:06] Ryan: Yeah, greetings, beautiful people back here on the Wise Whys Podcast. It's always a good vibe to return to. I look forward to seeing what we get into.
[00:01:14] Aaron: So on the surface, manners seem like a good thing. Like, I don't think there's anybody who would argue that unless somebody is against having manners, of course, but let's look at some examples of what manners are in this instance of what we're talking about. It could be anything as far as the way we speak, the language that we use, maybe the way we dress. Alexander, do you want to offer any specifics there?
[00:01:38] Alexander: Yeah, it can come across many different ways, and, of course this isn't going to be a conversation about what we're suggesting, it's just to do or not to do. So we don't want to ruffle anybody's feathers, it's really just an open conversation around this subject to get your mind working in a different way around this subject. So, I think the main point we're going to get to is when we're practicing these rituals or these things that we learn that falls under the list of manners, why are you doing it? And is it truly your Authentic Self that is coming through in that time? Or is it something that you're masking and doing to fit in? And I'm looking forward to breaking down both the pros and the cons of this concept of manners.
[00:02:23] Aaron: Yeah, and I wanted this conversation to be like a stimulation of something that we never think about and to just look at in a whole different way. We've had a recent death in our Wise Whys community, and death is one of those things that allows you to pull back outside of the mundane every day, you know, need to go to work, make money, take care of my family, sleep, and repeat. So, I feel like this is also one of those conversations that we're trying to offer just, there's more to manners outside of you just do what you've been taught. We can bring consciousness in and really look at each one individually, that maybe we do in our lives, and look to see if it is continuing in energy that we want to, based on where we're going in our growth, or maybe it's time to let that one go. So, Alexander or Ryan, I wanted to maybe start out with just listing some outs that people may be like, "Oh yeah, I do that," or, "Oh yeah, my parents wanted me to do this."
[00:03:19] Alexander: Well, I think that one that I want to mention is, to put under this umbrella, which may be uncommon, is even the phrase, "I'm sorry". Many people get taught certain phrases and that's why we want this topic of manners to really be a larger topic than maybe just that one word, but it is anything that we do kind of habitual that makes us fit into a social norm or something like that. And again, we're not saying there's anything wrong with it if you do do these things, but it's just something that I started looking at a long time ago in my self-development work when I just wanted to be more conscious of why I am doing every action that I'm doing and it's changed my view of it. Of course, that's kind of what stimulated this conversation here with Aaron bringing this topic up, because he's heard me say in the past, over and over, different little things about manners can get in the way of consciousness. And so, that could be expanded on any habitual behavior can get in the way of consciousness.
[00:04:23] Ryan: Yeah, I'm actually, I'm coming into this topic, of course, considering my own experience with manners and how I was raised. Of course, being raised by Alexander, I had a little bit of a unconventional view and I was shown all of the examples of how to be considerate in your actual action and practice and the vibration that you're putting out. He was always that example for me. More so, where the concept of something like manners would come in, it makes me think of like, my grandfather, and that was where more of the reward system would come in for saying "Yes, sir," and they would praise that and that kind of thing. Of course, it's funny to reflect on because at this point in my journey, I'm looking at my own consideration, even over consideration a lot of times. Very naturally considerate person, but that can get in the way of even my authenticity sometimes, so now I can look at my grandfather and see that he was a beautiful man, but he avoided confrontation. Just any opportunity that it could come up. It was going to be swerved if he could swerve it, and a similar influence from my biological father. So it is interesting for me to reflect on where I've been and where I'm at with it, just because I've had a very unconventional upbringing and then some of the more contemporary influences. But I am very considerate, but I won't really say, I'm sorry. I'll offer apologies in the sense of, if there was something for me to see here, then I promise you I'm going to look for it and find it, and that kind of thing. But yeah, it's a good topic.
[00:05:55] Aaron: Yeah. I think Ryan just went through everything I wanted to talk about in the whole podcast that I eventually want to get into like, the topic of consideration, because I really feel like that's, kind of where consciousness leans more towards [ Mm-hmm.] versus manners, and we can go through what the difference is between those two are. And then, I love that you brought up the over consideration in consideration, because that's something that I didn't even have in my mind before thinking about doing this topic. That's definitely something that I want to get into as well, maybe a little bit later.
[00:06:24] And so, you brought up the example of, I think it was addressing your grandfather a certain way, was that, [ Yeah.] Okay. Yeah. So, that's one way that we could have manners, is how we address people, and [Mm-hmm.] usually that's a sign of respect, in certain ways. Like, if you are working in the hospitality business and you address men as Mr. and women as Miss or Mrs, I feel like that's a term of respect, or maybe even Ma'am, but I know there's some people who don't like that. [Mm-hmm.] That is a way of utilizing manners. I don't know if there's anything wrong with that. Like, if we brought consciousness into that, how could that look differently if there is a way?
[00:06:58] Alexander: Well, here, once again, in our day and age at this time, many people are looking to be offended, and there's certain gender roles that people don't like being called for different reasons. So anytime we bring consciousness in, we want to just really be like we're shining a flashlight on it so that we can see it more clearly with less judgment. So, being observant of the age group that you're speaking to, and being more observant of their conversations, and how they seem to reflect similar respect type things can, I think, be useful to just be flexible in this area and to know that maybe it's even more polite nowadays to ask how someone would like to be greeted. As, Mr. or Ms. or They, or whatever it is, seems possibly, the most conscious play, is to inquire and then follow from there.
[00:07:58] Aaron: And that's a good point, in the terms Ryan was talking about. It could have been seen as a way to get approval from our grandfather or from our parents and being seen as a good child, in a way, and not a hooligan. [Mm-hmm.] And even though Ryan was raised with Alexander in this view of manners, like, Ryan is a nice, respectful human being, and he's not a hooligan as like the older generations might look at people who don't say "please" as like, just something that they can't conceptualize because--
[00:08:26] Alexander: Yes, and even in that small separation, when we're talking about a subject this large, most listeners are going to have a different gauge about where they draw the line in this. And mine was fairly simple that I was always about showing gratitude, so "thank you" and showing appreciation was very important but, I didn't see the necessary purpose of "please". And certain people have heard me say something about "please" can seem like begging and they don't see it that way at all, and it's probably because of the way that they were taught that phrase.
[00:08:58] So again, this isn't a right or wrong kind of conversation. It is just the ability to share openly, what we do habitually and maybe don't even realize it. And like I was saying earlier, even the phrase "I'm sorry". I know certain people that will say that probably 10 times unconsciously in a five minute conversation and it's just a way of fitting in. And that's the really the bigger part of this conversation is being aware of the things you do to just fit in and be accepted. Sometimes, it is even going to an extreme of seeking approval and when we do that, many times we do set our power to the side and this is just a conversation to be able to bring this into like, maybe you do do something habitually, but you just change it and tweak it a little bit to where it'll be fresh and new and still get the same point across, but you're more present with it.
[00:09:56] Aaron: Yeah, and I think another area that we may do this is to even seem invisible, like when you're in a social situation and you're uncomfortable, you may do what everybody else does so that you're not sticking out and people aren't just looking at you and you're not getting attention.
[00:10:11] Alexander: Yes. That's very common, especially around insecure people that are not wanting to stick out. And again, it's not necessarily viewed as something bad or wrong, but it is many times done without any thinking, without any recognition, and that's what we're really looking to tweak here, is bring the present moment into everything that you're doing. Find an original and fresh way to maybe do these manners or these social "fit-in" agenda type of actions and reactions and just bring that consciousness more present in these rituals that we're talking about. Because again, there's nothing wrong with rituals. We're just looking to bring the present moment more abundant in these rituals that we're talking about under this label of manners.
[00:11:03] Aaron: Well said. I do feel like what you just said is what we're trying to get at here and If we want to become a more authentic human being, we want to bring consciousness in to every aspect that we can in our lives so that we have a conscious choice of looking at why we're doing something and do we want to continue doing that same thing. And is it for my ultimate highest good and the good of everyone around if I continue doing this thing. So that we were given a choice, we understand all the circumstances around that choice, and then we can move forward with whatever choice we want to.
[00:11:36] Alexander: Yes. And something I'll bring in here as an example is, say something like a man holding the door open for maybe older people or younger people, or females or males, it doesn't have to be just for the female. But everyone is not going to be open to receive that. So, another part of this conversation is being willing that in your actions, if you do it and someone gets offended, then be willing to be humble and let that go. Because everybody is, once again, not looking for the same type of effects. They can take it as you don't feel like they can open the door for themselves.
[00:12:16] So again, I think the sweet spot here is, if you're that type of male that enjoys holding the door open or female that enjoys holding the door open, just don't expect everybody to appreciate it. And it may even be that you're able to grow the ability to read people and you see that there's certain age groups that you know may take that offensively, and so to be willing to not go through what you habitually normally do out of consideration is something else worth at least looking at.
[00:12:46] Aaron: Yeah, that's a great example of something that could be considered a manner or acceptable at least, a few years ago, and it's something that I do all the time, and I feel like when you authentically understand why you're doing something that it's an act of respecting that human, and if that person rejects it, which I've never had anybody reject it in my personal experience. But if somebody didn't see that as a sign of respect, then I know why I'm doing it, and I'm clear in that, and I don't think would bother me. Just thinking about it happening and running it through my mind, I don't think that would bother me because I understand why I'm doing it and I know it's authentically me.
[00:13:25] Alexander: Yes. And I think that that intention is what is most important to be highlighted in all of this is that, you are being intentional with your actions rather than following for fear of judgment.
[00:13:38] Aaron: Yeah, exactly. Ryan, do you hold the door open for people?
[00:13:42] Ryan: Um, I do usually, and I'll smile at them. I've got a pretty soft energy, so I'm usually pretty well received. I've noticed that I do sometimes and I don't sometimes. It's not really something that I think about, it's just if I feel like it's the right thing to do, then I'll find myself doing it naturally. But I mean also like unconsciously, it's not something that I really do to try to get a point across to somebody or to let them know that I'm trying to be respectful. It is more of like just a pattern that happens kind of thing.
[00:14:09] Aaron: Yeah, and I feel like it's more for me in a way, like I'm doing it because I'm expressing who I am and I mean, I guess a part of it is how I want to be treated and whenever somebody opens the door for me, I am very expressive of how grateful I am for that, because I don't expect anybody to do it, and so when somebody does it, I'm full of gratitude and I make it known to them that it's more than just a "Oh, thank you," or something like that, it's more expressive.
[00:14:35] Alexander: Sure, and in any type of ritual, that is the beauty of rituals is that it's really an expression of the self, and when you know why you're doing something with that pure of intent, then normally it is going to be received well the majority of the time, and if it's not, then it shouldn't have any need of repercussions back at all. It's a humility that can follow that type of clarity and intention.
[00:15:00] Ryan: Yeah. I like what you said there about being a ritual. That makes a lot of sense in the fact of like, when we go out into the world, we're expecting to engage with other people, so it's kind of like an energy you carry where you're saying that anybody that I engage with, even in the smallest amount, I want to show them some love and respect through this.
[00:15:20] Aaron: Yeah, exactly. And I think there are like different levels of holding the door open. You could hold it all the way open so they walk through or you can just hold it open so then they grab it, and maybe that's like more of an in between, where if it is maybe more of somebody from a younger generation where it's a toss up on whether they would be offended or not, you do that, and I think it's more of a buffer, but it still is a polite thing to do or a extending of the arm.
[00:15:45] Alexander: Yes. And I think, again, that should be the intention is being received, and there's nothing wrong with that passing the door to the next person as well. And having that flexibility in these types of rituals is, again, a big part of what's stimulating this conversation. To not feel like, whatever your rituals are that you really support and feel drawn to do and to complete out there in the world, that they don't infringe on other people. And that, for me, keeps the vibration as pure as you possibly can and it keeps your presence in the present moment optimal, because you're not just doing something one certain way over, and over, and over.
[00:16:30] Aaron: Yeah. And what level do we take that awareness of maybe like, reading people, or what percent of the population is going to be offended by the one thing that I want to do to show respect to somebody. Because we're talking about bringing consciousness in and like when we were talking about addressing somebody, we could ask them what they would want to be addressed as. I mean, we can use the example of holding the door open or another one. Like, how do we calculate that? Because we're not going to please everybody and we may make the wrong decision, but we're also not making it for that person, we're doing it because it's authentic to us. So where's that balance there?
[00:17:08] Alexander: Yeah. I think that that's different per person, because some people are overly considerate, kinda like Ryan was talking about a little bit earlier. So see, possibly, they'll benefit from taking more chances and then some people are overly expressive, and maybe they could benefit from being more considerate. So, I think that this comes back to whatever is most challenging for you to do typically is going to have the greatest reward. So, everyone listening to this, this is where assessment is different than judgment, and when we assess ourselves, there's no guilt or judgment that comes with that. But when we do judge, normally it's in a negative way many times, and it is a waste of energy. Assessing is just seeing something that needs to be shifted and then the willingness to do whatever it takes to shift that. And so self-assessment is very important, but self-judgment is very deteriorating.
[00:18:04] Aaron: So, in the complete conversation, we're going to get into more about consideration and the differences between manners and consideration, and then what Ryan brought up around maybe being overly considerate and in what level of detriment does that do, because all of this is a balance and we're talking about energy. We'll bring in how the energy is involved in all that and maybe even get into some more assessment versus judgment there, because that may not be as clear for some, so we can dive deeper into that. And I do also want to touch upon more into approval, being authentic and all that "fitting-in" kind of stuff that we can tend to do as humans to be accepted.
[00:18:43] Alexander: Sounds good. Let's do it.
[00:18:45] Ryan: Let's go.
[00:18:46]
[00:19:13] Aaron: Thank you all for joining us for the Complete Conversation of this episode. We're very, excited to share this information with you.
[00:19:22] Alexander: Welcome back Ryan and Aaron.
[00:19:24] Ryan: Thank you. Thank you. Let's do it.
[00:19:26] Aaron: I wanted to first touch upon the difference between the manners and consideration aspect, because those were things that we did get into a little bit in the first part. But, I do feel like the bulk of this conversation is bringing consciousness to manners, and I think the word consideration is what we're looking for.
[00:19:46] Alexander: Yes. And you know, consideration builds toward respect and we want to be sure that we're always exemplifying and showing respect where other people are involved and lots of people can get stuck in fighting for wanting respect shown to them. They can get blindsided by living in that vision rather than giving what they would like to receive, and so sometimes manners or rituals can overstep or make other people feel uncomfortable, and that's where consideration comes in. I feel like the intention for manners was to show respect, but in our day and time, everybody doesn't need three different forks to have one meal with, but there's nothing wrong with people that do. What we're talking about, where it gets a little jaded, is when someone is expected to follow those rules and they don't know those rules, necessarily. That's where compassion and being willing to not force those things onto others, but be willing to do them yourself for the right reasons, or the optimal reason is for the overall good of everyone involved. So, I happen to feel that most of the time there's a way for most anyone to follow through with whatever that ritual is and still not project that on making someone else uncomfortable.
[00:21:07] Aaron: So, I have this idea of how I see manners and consideration, and I'm going to share it and then feel free to jump in and tweak it if needed. But coming from like, a developer or code minded person, I see manners as like a static program where it's just, "Do this, do this, do this, do this, do this," in all these certain situations and consideration is taking in the subtle energy of the environment, of the variables of the person you are talking to or approaching and you're looking at your manner list of "Do this, do this, do this," but you're also taking in the variables and tweaking your manners as you're interacting in that situation. Is it similar to that?
[00:21:50] Alexander: Yeah. It's certainly a good view of it and a useful view. So when you were able to bring those two objects or subjects together, and then you have consideration that's very similar, you're looking to be respectful. Then that is just a sweet spot of where you're basically living the life of being the example, as we discuss in the J.U.S.T. Philosophy, of Knowing who you are, What you're passionate about, and then How you exemplify that.
[00:22:18] And so, when you live in example, that's why when you're optimally clear in why you're doing whatever this is, and that should rarely have to do with anything specific with somebody else. You're doing it for that expression to show gratitude, to show respect, and you are also being considerate to see how it's being received as to maybe how much you share with that person or to what extent you go to exhibiting this celebration, if you will, or whatever it is.
[00:22:51] So, just consideration is something that some people feel, and we're going to discuss more of over-consideration, but some people say that our country is even overly considerate with other countries and giving them money for different wars and that kind of thing. So again, we're not saying here what's right and wrong, we're just looking to expand the view of it and bring you more into that present moment in whatever you were doing or whatever you were saying.
[00:23:18] And, you know, holidays fall under this as well. It just keeps going the more you look at it that there's so much in our culture that is just trained habitual action that builds expectations, and then when certain people don't follow these rules, then judgments come out. So, this is just a vicious cycle that we're just shining the flashlight on to stimulate conversation to just see that we get to a point of so much judgment in these things that started out maybe as just something as simple as manners or a celebration. But then, at some point, it can cross a line and make people feel judged, make people feel unconsidered and that's what we just want to be aware of.
[00:24:01] Aaron: Yeah. And you touched upon my next question, which was when you show an act of consideration or manners and maybe you had an expectation or you were looking for something in return of that. Like, if you were just considerate, you were swinging by on the way home and you picked up some food for somebody and you get home and they're like, "Yeah, I don't want that". [Mm-hmm.] and then you can feel hurt by that. So how do we manage that expectation if it is involved with being considerate?
[00:24:29] Alexander: Well, one of the top subjects in this conversation is normally the lead of just about any conversation where the J.U.S.T. Philosophy is involved is around communication. The more you're able to communicate, to realize that the thought to grab somebody you care about something to eat, a quick text, or a quick call to say, "Hey, this is what I was thinking about doing," that that is just as special as just showing up and being received because you may show up and it's not received well. And so, communication is what keeps these surprises from happening. And some people like surprises. And again, there's nothing wrong with it as long as you prepare for the possible rejection or the lackluster receptivity of it, and that doesn't send you into an emotional reaction.
[00:25:16] Aaron: Yeah, a big one that just came into my mind was like, around the holidays when you're given gifts and it's like a manner. A manner, is that a word? A manner. Anyway, It's like a manner when you receive a gift and if you don't like it, you pretend that you like it. [Mm-hmm.] And then there's so many arguments that can happen where maybe you would tell somebody, "Yeah, I don't like that," but you don't want to tell that person that you don't like it. And then a word gets out that you don't like it, and it's this big old thing because that person's taking offense to that, that you don't like their gift, but you said you did and it just turned into a whole mess, and I'm sure families go through that.
[00:25:48] Alexander: Yes, yes. And this is where, normally, the people focus on the material object rather than maybe the effort that went into it or the true intention behind it. And our culture can be very, very guilty of focusing on the price amount or the particular brand or something like that. And again, this is something to just bring awareness to and shed light on, that you know, it's more important what was behind that physical gift, so to say, and learning to appreciate and show appreciation for maybe a physical object that you don't particularly care for, but you can still show the pure gratification of, "Hey, you took time to think about me, and that's what's important. And so for that reason, I do enjoy it".
[00:26:33] So see, all that's being shifted here is taking the time to truly shift into a perception to where the words of appreciation, or the action of appreciation, is authentic. And again, that's what the J.U.S.T. Philosophy is all about and what we discuss here on the Wise Whys is that self-authentication and finding more of that, and stepping into more of that. So see, there's nothing wrong with making someone feel good about giving a gift that you may not particularly be excited about, but it is for you tapping into that humility and appreciation and gratitude for the reason of the present.
[00:27:08] Aaron: Yeah. So, it's more about the act of the energy exchange, which I feel like you can shift your perception from the physical thing to the energetic thing that you're receiving.
[00:27:19] Alexander: Yes. And I want to take this even a little bit deeper, and I'm stretching the limits of this, particular podcast, but this also connects to when we're in communications with people. I like to suggest that we shift from focusing so much on the words, which would be like the material gift, to focusing more on the intention of what people really mean and what they're really working to communicate. And we can be so guilty in our culture of just staying so attached to the word choice that the person chose, and the negative attachments that are to those words, instead of really what is at the core that they're looking to communicate and see, we do this with children. We allow them to use very broken up words and maybe not complete sentences, but we want to know what that child means, and that's an art that we let go when we are dealing with adults. And it's still such a great tool that if everyone could have a conversation like you're talking to a seven or eight year-old and you truly want to get across to them. You don't talk down to them, you don't judge them, but you talk smooth and concise and you fill in the broken sentences that they have, and I would just like to implore here for people to look at general communications just as we discussed that analogy of the gift.
[00:28:39] Ryan: Yeah, that definitely resonates It was making me think what you said about, we're always looking for our authenticity. And as I mentioned, I'm a naturally considerate person, even over considerate sometimes. And I've had experiences just in the past year or two with a tenant that we were renting a living space to, and we're always trying to approach these types of things from what our work is to do. And I certainly have the humility to admit that even though I'm naturally considerate, it's my challenge, or my work to do, is to not just rely on that and not just to take all the benefits that can come with it. Because there is a lot of times when I could find myself with this particular person over-communicating and probably expecting like the same level of communication back to the point that it would invite bitterness. And I could start to see how much I was giving and that I was expecting to get a certain level of communication or just appreciation back. My work to do in that situation was not just rely on my natural consideration, but to be willing to stand up for myself and see what I'm communicating and what actually needs to be communicated versus what I think might make the situation go over more smoothly. Or to even try to show that person how much I want to work with them and be willing to receive that message that they might not be willing to work with me in that way, and that's my lesson to get from it.
[00:29:59] Aaron: Yeah. So, would that come into like, expectations? Because you're giving something in a way that you want to receive, and so you feel like most people would get that and understand that and at least try to give back what you're giving?
[00:30:13] Ryan: Yeah, it's like that. It's almost like taking the easy way out with that natural level of consideration. I can put extra effort into that side of it because it is supposed to convince that person to return that to me or whatever my thought process would be. Whereas the harder thing to do would be, realize that I only need to say this, this is all I'm looking to communicate, and it's not so much about what they give back and how they respond to me and not about me trying to be overly polite and overly communicative, but just for me to see what I'm supposed to say, and they're going to respond however they're going to respond.
[00:30:45] Aaron: And Alexander, I feel like in that situation you may say, start by just giving a little and then see how much they're going to give and then just keep adjusting so that there's no maybe resentment that comes in where you're just over giving, expecting the same in return. When you don't get it, that's when that resentment could come in?
[00:31:05] Alexander: Yes. Because you know, disappointment is always going to follow, eventually, expectations. And so, the way that you stay away from bitterness and resentment is by matching the effort of the other person, whether that is in communication, or in energy exchange, or time exchange, or money exchange, whatever it is. And this is a simple technique that most people aren't aware of, but it's one of the most considerate acts that I feel like a human being can do. Like, not everybody loves the same way, so someone exchanging gifts, one person may spend days working on this gift to develop, to build, to create, and then the person that they exchange with stops by somewhere 30 minutes before the exchange and buys something and wants that to be an equal exchange. No one is in the wrong here, but the person that is so artistic and so caring and giving, and was willing to put the time in, for them to reflect on who they're interacting with and do their best to match the effort, not just that they feel like the other person wants to put forth but maybe has time to put forth. Maybe there's certain circumstances where there's just legitimate issues of why they don't have the time to create something similar in meaning.
[00:32:28] And so, I'm saying this because I want to help people stay away from the bitterness and resentment, because that's what, many times, makes beautiful, beautiful people just start to look at the world negatively and it is many times they've over-given in too many situations. And so, as you were suggesting you've heard me say before, over-givers that are guilty of that may be considered just giving 25% of whatever you want to give and to realize that you can always give more the next day or the next week, or the next month, or something like that. But just keep your exchange in your expectations very equal, and that can steer you away from that bitterness and resentment that many over-givers experience.
[00:33:14] Aaron: Being a creative person, I can see how that person could get fed by that, so as long as they understand the situation, that they may not get the same in return, they can judge whether they would be okay with that. And there's nothing wrong with having a communication setting up a structure and parameters around the gift giving either beforehand, so that you both are aware of what you're accepting going in.
[00:33:37] Alexander: Yes. And oftentimes around Christmas and things like that, there will be like a gift exchange with a $10 limit or $20 limit or like that, and you can take that same concept, like I said, whether the currency is energy, or time, or money, or whatever it is. Again, communication is what helps to clear that up. Or if you're just that giving person and you want to put forth that much effort and there are no expectations, this comes back to a saying that, if you're looking for something in return, you may not want to call it love. Because love should just be giving without any expectation of something coming back. Maybe all giving should be seen in that light moving forward, and I think it will change a lot of people's lives. Just something that simple.
[00:34:20] Aaron: And Ryan, I wanted to bring you back in here, because you were talking about being overly considerate. Do you think that you're an overly giving person? Because I can see how somebody like that, like to bring consciousness in there, would need to look at boundaries and maybe boundaries around, like, yourself, with that person, knowing that they may not be giving as much back. But maybe about the type of relationship. And I'm talking about like, energetic boundaries, not like offense.
[00:34:46] Alexander: Mm-hmm.
[00:34:46] Ryan: Yeah. Yeah. They definitely go hand in hand with what I've come to look at in myself. The correlation between over-giving and boundaries, where boundaries come in. Certainly, in my personal relationship, with coworkers as well at work, there was a shift where I was putting the same amount of energy, so to speak, into work, but it was coming from a different avenue. I started to engage energetically more with coworkers, but I would kind of like take my own personal space. I would go take breaks and actually disconnect from their energy because my tendency would be to over give. I would always make sure that the vibe was good at work. If somebody was having a bad day, I would interact with them or, not necessarily ask 'em what's up or get 'em to talk or anything, but just cocoon their energy and contain it and smooth it out.
[00:35:33] So, that was a useful shift for me. I noticed that it made the workday go faster and a little bit less draining for me was to have that boundary and not just be over considerate. Because it does come easy to me, but it also can cost me a lot.
[00:35:47] And then for sure in my relationship. It's an ongoing process of seeing where my boundaries are and how to speak them and not be over-considerate in thinking that if I say this, it's going to hurt this person. Even though that may be this person's trigger, like, if they feel bad about themselves, they're going to shut down. So, it's an easy out to just say, "Well, this is going to hurt them," even though it's my boundary. Like, I can do this myself, or I can make this shift, but it doesn't work that way. It has to be communicated and it can still be in a loving way, but there is a vibe that comes with it when it's a boundary that you've set and you know that it's for your overall good, that it's going to be for everybody's overall good. And that's all you can trust is that you communicate it and they respond to it.
[00:36:31] Aaron: Yeah. I think the boundary comes in when you realize that you're leaking energy or you're feeling resentment. There's a sort of energetic shift in your action, and that's when you would bring it in, right? Because I was going to ask you, in your work environment when you were bringing that vibe and trying to keep everybody's day afloat, what kind of effect did you observe throughout all Five Levels during or after work?
[00:36:56] Ryan: Yeah. I mean, the easiest one to point out is just that taking that break, I would go sit in my vehicle and I shut the doors. I work at the airport, so it was super loud. So I would be very uncomfortable physically because it'd get hot really quick, but on all the other levels, it would be just a chance to disconnect and take a break that could really reset my energy on the energetic level. And sometimes, even like a spiritual, if I was caught up in something that I had going on, I might notice that I'm not that available for a coworker. I have a younger coworker that, through taking one of those breaks, was able to see that I could play more of a mentor role for him, offer a little bit more guidance that's sure, work related, but I know that he could benefit more from me being more present. So, I saw that being able to take that break, it didn't take away from my capacity to output my workflow, but it let me readjust my entire vibration and come back in with more capacity to give what I knew was necessary without just giving everywhere so that I felt like I was contributing.
[00:37:59] Alexander: Well, I love the discussion that's gone into boundaries here, because boundaries are so important. They're important for people to feel safe and secure. I like to suggest that, just about all children will test your boundaries as a parent or a caretaker of them, but the boundaries and the consistency is what makes children feel comfortable and safe and taken care of. But see, we have to expect that they're still going to test those boundaries. Again, this is something worthwhile to take from children, that those boundaries do make our relationships feel safe and secure, even when they fight them. So, a boundary shouldn't be something that you have to necessarily fight for if you're in a respectful relationship and can communicate why it is that you need this boundary. The loving thing is, of course, to feel supported in that and that that become mutually beneficial.
[00:38:57] So, many times I think people hear the term boundary and they can go into a certain mindset, and I'm looking to just kind of soften that understanding of boundaries, that sometimes boundaries is just simply saying something and someone go, "Oh, well, I wish you would've said that so much earlier because..." I've been doing this, or I've been saying that. And so that's another thing that for many people setting boundaries or setting limits, they're afraid of the reaction from the other person, so many people don't share them and this creates communication blockages that wind up coming to a head at some point down the road.
[00:39:36] So again, conscious communication is such a big part of this whole philosophy and boundaries is a big part of that. I'm so glad we brought that up.
[00:39:45] Aaron: So, manners can also be something that keeps us in our comfort zone and that's when I think the approval comes in, the "fitting-in" to a certain group, or even masking where we don't want to be seen. And these can all be a symptom of some trauma that we may have had and this is how we're coping with that.
[00:40:07] So, if we are bringing consciousness in and the people out there listening are taking an inventory of, maybe all their manners that they may feel that they currently subconsciously do, and they're trying to shine light on. Okay, well, why do I do this? Is this because I was trained as a child that you just do this in this situation? Or is this something that I picked up from a trauma? And it may not be as easy as identifying it that way, but it may come up as, "Oh, I do this because this happened this one time, and I don't like that. I don't want to go back to that situation or have that occur ever again."
[00:40:38] Alexander: Yeah. And this is getting into coping mechanisms, and we're not here to judge coping mechanisms, but many people get stuck in utilizing certain techniques to deal with things. I like to say that there's a certain period of time to where we do need to make it easy on our system, on all Five Levels in dealing with something. But to truly process it, eventually we need to get to the point of working through the coping mechanism and not needing that as a tool as well. So nobody can really judge that for someone else, but I want the listeners to hear that that's our pure intention here, to guide all the way through releasing traumas through emotional processing and a big part of the processing we were just talking about and facing that coping mechanism and eventually being able to work through that.
[00:41:30] Aaron: Yeah. And, I see these coping mechanisms as almost like squashing our Authentic Self, but they were useful for a certain amount of time. And as we've just started talking about in the last few episodes of the podcast, I agree with you that there's a time when people should be utilizing these while they're healing themselves, and then as they feel themselves getting stronger and bringing in more consciousness, one by one, they can start looking at each coping mechanism and maybe see how, or feel how their Authentic Self wants to express themselves in that situation versus how they are currently doing it. And that's when they can almost take the leap and then maybe they assess, one by one, and they try to be conscious when that same situation happens, and probably bring in the breath as we talk about a lot, to then make that choice to go in the direction of who they want to be and how they want to express versus the same subconscious behavior.
[00:42:24] Alexander: Yeah. Well, one thing that I like to suggest when dealing with coping mechanisms and working through those, is creativity and finding a way, whether that's writing, or drawing, or sketching, or music, or whatever it is. That when you see that you're reaching a certain stress level and that coping mechanism is wanting to kick in, maybe you utilize that for just a small amount of time to get out of the conversation or the situation, but then you go to do something with that energy that is creative to get it out of you. It's just such a shame with the amount of clientele that I work with, how many people just don't feel creative. And they'll even say that "I'm not a creative person". And every time I hear someone say that, it's so jarring to my system because I just feel like they had to have been taught that. And the saddest part is that they believed it and that they continued to believe it. Because again, being creative isn't about any particular talent, it's just doing something that's non habitual. Something that you don't, normally do. So, that could be eating a different food or taking a cold shower rather than a warm shower. It could be many, many different things, but some type of self-expression is very, very highlighted for dealing with coping mechanisms when a person gets to that point.
[00:43:50] Aaron: When working through approval, because I have approval issues, like I want to be accepted, I want people to see me for who I want to be seen as, and I can see a situation where one way to work through a coping mechanism, which have maybe been set up because I may have been judged in the past, would be to just share something that I feel is authentically me without needing to be affirmed back. And of course, we don't want people to just go out there and just start saying authentic things to anybody. But there's so many variables in a situation that should be taken into consideration. Like, let's say you had a band and nobody knew about it and you wanted to express that you were like a metal head and you had your band T-shirt on. You wouldn't go to a funeral for your grandfather and be like, "Yeah!" And then just like rip off your tie and have that, you know what I mean? Like, you have to assess the situation. [Mm-hmm.] And it's, you know, the right place, right time, right duration, right person, all that.
[00:44:43] Alexander: Mm-hmm. Yes. And then, that brings back in the more useful information from the philosophy of, is this the optimal time? Is this the optimal person? Is this the optimal place? Is this the optimal subject? And is this the optimal duration? It's always worth running through when you're sharing stuff with people. Because again, that few seconds to take that consideration can save you a lot of drama, many times. Because timing is so, so, so important, and for everything to be in direct alignment for somebody to truly receive something, especially if it's a change of mind, really takes a lot to be in alignment. And this is what I like to remind people that like to share their opinions so freely. It doesn't mean that their opinion isn't valid or even useful, but if it's not the right timing, or the right place, or the right person, or it's not optimal in that way, it's likely not to get received.
[00:45:43] Again, we're working here to try to help people to see their reactions and get out of reaction and get more into intentional action. That's what this whole conversation has really been about.
[00:45:56] Aaron: Yeah. And I used to be that person who would want to share all my views because I thought because was right about everything. And I would get into, "What is my intention here? Is it to drum up energy against me?" Because that's the thing, the universe has a way of always like, showing you and offsetting you, offsetting your energy, and throwing it back in your face if you're doing something that maybe wasn't in line with your intention. So like, when I would just freely share my opinion, of course you're going to get the people who also want to freely share their opinion back. And so you get that yucky feeling if that's not really something that you enjoy. So I got into asking myself, "What is my intention here with sharing this? Do I feel like I need to be validated? Do I feel like I need to make a point?" And then I would ask myself, "Well, do you feel like you need to make that point? Like, do you feel like you need to be right in this situation? [Mm-hmm.]
[00:46:45] So if I felt sure about my position on something, then I understand energetically, that if somebody saying the opposite view, if that rattles me, then I know that I'm not sure. So, I've really worked on that. Like, do I need affirmation? Do I need somebody to agree with me in order to feel like I am in my position of power and that I do believe this? Most of the time it's a no, and now it's gotten to the point where maybe it's like once every three to four months, I'll just say something and I'll get that reaction back, [Mm-hmm.]. I go back to it, I'm like, "Man, did you have to?" But I was weak.
[00:47:15] Alexander: It's a reminder. Yeah, mmhmm.
[00:47:15] Aaron: I was weak in that moment. Like, I wasn't grounded and energetically fed on all Five Levels, so I do those things that I regret from time to time.
[00:47:22] Alexander: It's very common. And this is where the saying that really simplified this for me, that I've shared in multiple podcasts is, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be useful?" And to accept that if you're right, then somebody has to be wrong. And normally people don't change their point of views when they're forced to be seen wrong.
[00:47:43] So, this is really under the umbrella of paying attention to when we feel such a pull or such a draw to get our point across. To really go inward and see that that's coming from some kind of insecurity. Because again, pulling from the second pillar of polarity versus duality, that as soon as you have a preference, the opposite and equal preference has to exist due to the law of physics and polarity. So. When you really start understanding things on this subtle energy level, it's more about sharing your information with your team and people that resonate with it and not wasting your energy to battle against the opposition, so to say. This just becomes a more wise way to utilize your energy and to utilize your wellbeing.
[00:48:33] And, you know, I know we've got a podcast coming up that's going to talk about our subtle energy and the stressors and how that truly affects us on the physical plane and we've all got plenty to share on that, but this has been a great subject of bringing up just conscious and subconscious actions and the cost of that. Especially in intimate families, certain parents can just fight almost constantly about little things like this around their kids. One parent wanting them to do it a certain way, to be a certain way, to answer a certain way, and possibly the other parent just not seeing it as that big of a deal. So, I think that this subject is very, very common and all our listeners can relate some way, and really hope that they've got some new perspectives with everything we've shared.
[00:49:21] Aaron: And Ryan, being raised by Alexander and his views on manners versus consideration, do you feel like you've missed out on something, because most kids are taught the manner type of thing and, have you noticed anything in your life different from your upbringing versus, you know, somebody else's upbringing who was taught the manner thing? Especially, because one thing that Alexander mentioned was around the word "please". Like, not having been taught that subconscious automatic behavior. Has that affected your life in any way?
[00:49:50] Ryan: Yeah. This might be a little off topic, but what came to me was something that me and Alexander were discussing in our private conversations just recently was the subject of how to not be over-considerate when I do see something that's worth pointing out to someone.
[00:50:04] I was thinking about a coworker and he was sharing a personal struggle situation he was going through, and it was one of those things where there's no friction between me and him. I didn't have any judgment of how he was handling the situation, but I could see what I felt like could be useful or, what he will eventually get to might be a better way to put it. But my natural over-consideration and even insecurity came through in the way of like, not knowing how to express that to him or not knowing how to share that with him. Because of things like that, considering that it might make him uncomfortable, it might not be a conversation that he's asking for. He was able to point out some things to me that I felt like were useful and I look forward to putting them into practice moving forward.
[00:50:45] Alexander: So I think that even that level of consideration was something that was a very consistent teaching with me, and I'm not even going to say that it was possibility that it could have even been overextended. But that was so important to get across. To be aware of how your words and how your actions are affecting other people. And now he's tightening the reins up on that some, to see that sometimes we can be even more helpful to somebody when we do set that boundary, because most of the time people that step over boundaries are people that don't properly know how to set boundaries. And so, they learn by experiencing and having somebody set that example. And again, many times they're going to resist it, but the consistency is what begins to make that person feel comfortable over a period of time.
[00:51:40] Aaron: Yeah. And even something that came to mind is like, Ryan being a nine of hearts, right?
[00:51:44] Alexander: Yep.
[00:51:45] Aaron: I mean, that could be something teaching consideration. Maybe because of his type, he took it on to a whole nother level, being that heart energy and wanting to bring that more into his relationships could extend into over consideration.
[00:51:57] Alexander: Yes. And even his seven of club planetary ruling card, you know, is very mental in approaching the communications and wanting to not offend, or anything like that. And so, that's the perfect setup, so to say, to learn that consideration, but then even consider taking it to an extreme, because many times we have to experience both extremes before we truly find the middle. So that's why there's not anything necessarily wrong with extremes, as long as you catch yourself in one and then you start working to pull those reins back to find that middle.
[00:52:30] Aaron: In wrapping this episode up, Alexander, what one thing can the people do out there if they do want to start looking at their manners and maybe shifting them over to considerations.
[00:52:40] Alexander: I'm a big fan of inquiry, to stimulate conversations through things like, " Is there anything that I do that rubs you the wrong way?" Or "Is there anything that I do that you see is just repetitious or an unconscious behavior by myself?" Again, not to be judged or feel judged, but to help with assessment. And it also really helps to be an example to others, to be open and willing to see what they may or may not be aware of in their actions. Because again, habitual patterns are very hard for the individual to see. So, getting used to asking people that we can trust to help us be on the lookout for habitual behavior is something that I found was very useful to me in getting more and more on my path of living more intentionally and non habitually. And this comes into breaking family lineage patterns many times as well. And this is why family can actually be useful to go be around, to measure or assess where we're at, as long as we stay out of judgment. And remember, we can't learn and judge simultaneously.
[00:53:52] So that's why I say it's much more important to remain the student, to remain humble, to see what they're reflecting back to you, instead of wanting to help them, be willing to find where you are doing whatever they're exemplifying, even if it's not the same. And see, many people stop by saying, "Oh, I don't do that action anymore". But what is the reason behind the action? That's what you want to see if you're still caught up in doing. Because many times, a person will change one coping mechanism for another or one bad habit for another. So true processing is truly working through it, letting it go, learning from it, and moving on outside of judgment towards those that still exemplify those behaviors.
[00:54:34] Aaron: Well, very good. Ryan, thank you for being in the studio and sharing your wisdom.
[00:54:38] Ryan: Yeah, it was nice to be here. Thank you for receiving what we have to put out, beautiful people, and shine that light and we'll keep shining ours.
[00:54:46] Alexander: Well said. Much love.