When we constantly critique and criticize ourselves, we create a cycle of negativity that can erode our self-esteem and inhibit our progress. It’s important to recognize that self-judgment is a natural part of being human, but it’s also a behavior that can be changed with mindful effort. By becoming aware of our self-judgment patterns, we can begin to challenge and shift them towards healthier actions bringing us closer to our Authentic Selves.
[00:00:21] Aaron: You have found us because you are seeking another way of living out in this crazy world. I'm Aaron.
[00:00:28] Alexander: I'm Alexander, and we're looking forward to sharing.
[00:00:31] Aaron: And this is, of course, the Wise Whys Podcast.
[00:00:34] Alexander, so this is actually a funny story because the topic that we're talking about today is self-judgment. And I actually had this realization last night that I totally forgot I had and I was reflecting on how much self-judgment I have and how other people have said to me, "Hey, why do you care about what other people think of you?" Because that's really what a lot of my self-judgment is around, is how I'm portrayed in this world. What I look like. Are people seeing me the way that I want to be seen? [Mm-hmm.] And I thought about, yes, there is a detriment to that because it gets me doing weird things like, not putting my grill on the side of the house where people can see it because I don't want them seeing my grill there because they may think that I'm, you know, quote, "redneck" or whatever. [Mm-hmm.] But but then there's this other side where I actually use some of it to motivate me into doing things. [Mm-hmm.] So there is some sort of, and we're going to get into this more later on, around like the pressure of that self-judgment. That how it manifests within me. It creates a pressure for me to take action to do stuff because I want to maintain, I guess, how I am represented in this world. So I feel like there is like a shift there where like, how I want to be seen, how I want to be represented versus people judging me. [Yes.] Right?
[00:01:56] Alexander: Yes. And I think that separation is very important because this touches base with intention and what is the intention behind the change or the shift? Yes, is it fear of judgment? Or is it "No, I want to be seen in a certain light and I'm willing to do the things that are necessary to be seen in that light". So those are two kind of different approaches. They have different vibrations and we're not into which one's right and which one's wrong, it's just which one has more cost is normally what we are looking at from this philosophy's view. And by cost, normally that means energetically, which affects the Emotional level, the Mental level, the Spiritual, and the Physical. So that's what we mean by cost. How is it going to affect you later on down the road in life? And it's becoming more and more well known of how much stress plays a part in people's wellbeing and that's what the J.U.S.T. Philosophy is all about.
[00:02:58] Aaron: Yeah, and the more we practice this, the more aware we become of what decisions we make, how we interact with the world, what our thought processes are, and how all of that ends up coming out mostly on the physical plane.
[00:03:12] Alexander: And I think it's important here to recognize the difference between getting into good and bad and right and wrong. Once again, we want to recognize that there's a usefulness to self-judgment, to keep one motivated, and then there's a detriment to self-judgment. And as you were just saying, eventually it's going to affect the Spiritual, the Mental, the Emotional, the Energetic, and the Physical. And this is what turns into physical illnesses or injuries. Because when we go through that and it's affecting all of those levels, then it makes the physical body more susceptible to injuries and illness.
[00:03:54] Aaron: The self-judgment is a theme that you're seeing across many clients, the people that are coming into your world asking questions. Why do you think that's all of a sudden a topic of concern?
[00:04:06] Alexander: Yeah, that's a great question. And I haven't really looked at this very much, but right off the top of my head what comes is the whole wave after the first of the year in people making resolutions, or making promises to themselves or others about things that they're going to change in themselves. And here we are in the third month, and I like to suggest to look at things in threes, and so it begins this reflection of people looking at themselves, assessing that they haven't changed enough or very much like they were hoping to back in January. And now this is where the wave of guilt comes in and the negative side of self-judgment.
[00:04:47] And we want to, you know, look at all of this always as energy and that we need to just see that it's not about fixing something, it's about redirecting it. And in this philosophy, we call it the Three Rs to Recognize it, learn to Respect it, and then Redirect it. And that's all that needs to happen here, is that when we're feeling self-judgment, the optimal thing to do is to go into some action toward improving that, whatever that judgment is in that moment. And if that's somebody that is judging how their face looks-- maybe they have breakouts on their face-- then there's foods that help that and there's foods that make that situation worse. So like, to just get up and get out of the mirror and stop the judgment and go eat something that is healthy for you. That is just moving towards benefiting that and getting rid maybe of anything that foods like chocolates or sweets or anything that stimulates those issues, go either throw it away or give it to somebody. That action is part of that initial initiation for that change and if some change isn't created, then the guilt and the self-judgment can become like a pandemic.
[00:06:06] Aaron: Because even if that food doesn't help you in a way, you are not focusing on that mindset where you're tearing yourself down, you're focusing on what's wrong. You're actually taking action. And there is sort of like a mental thing that's improving in a way, because you're no longer focusing on what's wrong, you're focusing on making a change going forward, right?
[00:06:29] Alexander: Yes. And it is very similar to the general saying of you're focusing on the solution rather than focusing on the problem. And yeah, you're not looking for the food that you eat right now to make all the bumps on your face to go away. You're accepting that this is going to take weeks, or possibly even months, but I'm starting right now in this moment to do something about it. And that creates incentive. That creates belief in oneself. And we're going to get into the second half of all of the steps that we suggest through the J.U.S.T. Philosophy of how to really break some of these patterns that most people have carried their whole life. And at certain points they can even justify it and talk about how much they needed this certain pattern at a particular point in their life. And that's what we want to point out, is that every tool that you use early in life for survival, there comes a time when you need to set that tool aside because it becomes your hindrance. And so again, that is an aspect of self-development that we're going to break down more and more in the full conversation.
[00:07:34] Aaron: So, yeah, let's talk more about, "What is self-judgment?" I mean, I guess we talked a little bit about my issues and maybe a little bit on how to shift the energy around it. But what is self-judgment? How is it created? Does it have to do with our energetic makeup? Are some of us more prone to having more self-judgment than others?
[00:07:55] Alexander: Yeah. I think that is a factor, and that's why studying your energetic makeup through the way that we do it is through the Human Design system, and to know how you're being influenced by your environment. Because a lot of self-judgment, like somebody that has the emotional center that is what's called nonactivated, then they're an emotional empath. They absorb people's emotions. And it's not that the person has to be showing the emotion, they just absorb it if the person's carrying it. So see, if they get around a person that is carrying insecurity, much less like lives with them, then they are getting inundated with that vibration of insecurity, self-judgment, and it can make that person have more of an experience of that, than maybe somebody that has their emotional center filled in and they're not as affected by other people's emotions.
[00:08:46] But most of the self-judgment, I would like to suggest, may stem from our insecurities. And those insecurities are normally set in us before seven years old by our environment. That's where the majority of doubt is established, and negative emotions, and what is presented in how to handle certain situations.
[00:09:08] So, if a child grows up hearing their parents berate each other or berate themselves, then they're going to be more likely to be in alignment with self-judgment than somebody that had parents that were very self-confident and maybe entrepreneurs and was always pushing to develop new things and invest in themselves.
[00:09:32] So I'm sharing all this because I want people to step back and take a, breath listening to this. To realize that if you're experiencing self-judgment, first of all, almost everybody does, but if you feel like it's an unhealthy amount then, [A]- it could be your environment, and [B]- it could be your family lineage that has been passed down to you. Again, here, we don't get into any victimhood. There's nobody to blame. It just helps with accepting that this is a part of us. And for me, when I can accept that something in me would like to be different, and I can find where it stems from, then I don't go into the blame. It just helps me to accept that at a deeper level and then look for, "Okay, what's the next step that I need to do to break this pattern?" And then that becomes the incentive to focus on the solution rather than the problem and just make sure every day our saying that we use all the time, Chop wood and carry water, is just that. It's a consistency thing. That you just work on it every day and time takes care of it over long periods of time equals lasting results.
[00:10:42] Aaron: Yeah, and I think the most important thing to add there is that you don't do more than what you can do consistently.
[00:10:50] Alexander: Yes. That's very, very important. So, taking something like people that want to learn meditation. Many times they'll start with 15 minutes or 30 minutes, and I urge people to just start with three to five minutes. Two to three minutes. Just anything that you can do consistently every day. Because it's the consistency, it's not the quantity. It's the consistency that builds strength over time, builds confidence, It builds healthy patterns. That consistency is very, very important and I'm so glad that you highlighted it at this point.
[00:11:24] Aaron: And when you were talking about how self-judgment is probably instilled in us within the first zero to seven years, would you say that that is trauma that causes that or is trauma separate from our environment within the first seven years?
[00:11:39] Alexander: Yes. It can be both. It can be a traumatic situation to where like, maybe a little girl at five years old is singing and having a great time, and the dad has had a really bad day at work. Maybe he's had a couple of beers to drink, and he says, "Will you shut up singing? You sound horrible." And then that girl never sings again. And then later in life when she's asked why, she may or may not remember that story. Because some kids that's so traumatizing and they can't understand why this parent, that they look up to the way they do, would do that. They will block even the memory of that so that they don't have to see their parent in that light.
[00:12:20] So, many people don't know what created the trauma, but it could be traumatic for a child that has, like I was talking earlier, an open emotional center in the Human Design and the parents either fight and tear each other down, judging each other constantly, or they're around a parent that is full of self-doubt and is processing that consistently and they're just absorbing it by being in the environment. But, as we grow up, we all know that the early teen years are very, very challenging, and that's where a lot of people really practice to fit in. And that's where, of course, they're experimenting with who they really are and they're bringing who they've tried to mimic, normally it's, to some extent, the environment that they were raised in. Then we start to step into who we really are and many people have to go through pleasing people to be accepted and then they don't really get to who they are till much, much later in life. And that's when so-called mid-life crisises happen often.
[00:13:23] Aaron: Well, I think you just shed light on where I got my self-judgement from. Like, you picked me apart pretty well there. There was something that you said in a recent podcast about self judgment is still victim mentality, and I never put those two together and I just wanted to mention it again today for this podcast since it is the topic, because I didn't want that to be missed out. Because I felt like that would help me be able to shift my vibration faster when I'm in self-judgment knowing that I'm still in victim mentality because I've worked over a long period of time to always ask myself, "Are you in victim mode here?" and then be able to shift it from there. [Mm-hmm.] once I realize I am, but I never put that self-judgment was that.
[00:14:10] Alexander: Yes. It's very interesting that you brought that up. The connection between self-judgment and victim mentality is that any thought past the first thought-- See, we said earlier that there is a usefulness to self-judgment. It's incentive to change. But that can be just the assessment. See, the very first recognition of, "I need to change this", that doesn't have to be a judgment. That can be an assessment. But then if you don't change that, then the next time it's going to be a judgment. Every time after that first recognition is a judgment. And let me put it in a storyline like this-- If you happen to pick up something that was, say, on a stove and it was a spoon, and it was laying on the burner but you didn't see it, so you didn't know it was hot. And you pick it up the first time and it burns you, and you let it go right away. See, that's an assessment, "Whoa, that's hot". Doesn't have to be a judgment.
[00:15:07] But now if I go and pick up that spoon again and it burns my hand again, and then I pick up that spoon again, that's turning into judgement of "Why would I do that? Why would I continue to torture myself?" So again, anything that we want to understand on these other four levels, the Spiritual, the Mental, the Energetic, the Emotional, just try to put it in the physical world and it will show you like, to me, it shows how ridiculous it is to create this pattern. Because if I recognize and I assess something and I see this isn't healthy for me to touch this hot spoon, then let me put that spoon in some water. Let me make sure the burner's turned off. Let me make an adjustment so that I won't continue touching a hot spoon.
[00:15:54] And it's very similar with self-judgment of if I don't like the way my face looks and there's breakouts or whatever, then [A] - look at your stress level. What can you do to ease the stress off around you? What supplements and foods can you take daily to assist toward that? Not to fix it, but to assist. To change the body over a long period of time at the chemical level. So, to see these are investments in the so-called future and time of multiple times of doing it rather than looking for a quick-fix. And so, when we are looking for quick fixes, that leads us to that victim mentality, because if it doesn't get changed like right away or passively, then guess what? We're going to do the pattern again. And then every time we do that pattern, we judge ourselves more and more and more.
[00:16:42] Aaron: So you started getting into my next question, which is, how does this self-judgment affect us if we don't keep it in check, if we don't redirect the energy into something of a solution based energy? Then how is this affecting us over time? We kind of got into the physical reality if we keep creating a pattern, but why would we want to change this?
[00:17:06] Alexander: Yeah. So, you know, most of these self judgments are going to be attached to some emotion and you know, the self judgments can be connected to anger, to sadness, to jealousy, to fear, many different things. So, let's just take worry, for example. Worry is connected to the second chakra that's just below the naval. It's connected to the sacral chakra in the Human Design system. And it's also connected to sex and to creativity. So, worry, sex and creativity are similar energies being dispersed three different ways. And so, if a person has self-judgment on themselves and feels that they're not a good person because they didn't go and take care of something at the bank like they knew that they should have last week, and now they're worried that their house is going to go into repossession because they didn't pay that bill. And now I'm going to sit here today and worry about that all day. And then tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to pick that back up and I'm going to start worrying. And I probably didn't sleep good the night before. See, eventually worry creates problems in the stomach area, which has to do with digestion and elimination. So, it's something that if that person doesn't change that pattern, it is very highly likely that it's going to create problems in their stomach, intestines area, that is going to have major issues at some point of their life on this Physical level.
[00:18:38] So, seeing how all of this is connected and that's why this is a wellness philosophy of all Five Levels. The Spiritual, the Mental, the Energetic, the Emotional, and the Physical. And how all of these work together is, of course, our optimal view of how we are looking at the cost of any action or anything that we want to pursue. That's the usefulness of looking at the cost, because sometimes when we pursue something on one level, like the Physical level, it has a damaging effect on the Energetic, the Emotional, which winds up coming back to harming the Physical with enough time.
[00:19:19] Aaron: So coming up in the complete conversation, we will get into more tools and techniques on how to shift that energy. We will talk about some experiences that we've had. I will talk about my experience with self-judgment recently and in the past. And we can talk about pressure because pressure comes in a lot here where we put pressure on ourselves. And some people can work better under pressure, they've trained themselves to work better under pressure or maybe it's just a natural thing, but how that can also have a downside. And we'll also get into what Alexander talked about how we can break these patterns, motivate ourselves. Because I know there's a lot of people out there who have self-judgement, like myself, [Mm-hmm.] and some people just can't find the discipline and the motivation to just change it. And so, I'll really pick your brain about this. Like, what can people do to finally take that step if they just don't have that motivation that they can summon at this point.
[00:20:16] Alexander: I'm going to go ahead and give a secret. We're going to expand on it, but the word is accountability, and how to utilize that as a tool rather than seeing it as something negative like many people will, like discipline. There's just a negative view of some of these words. Even the term management, in the past, has created a resistance in people. And again, we suggest here to lean into the friction. Whatever you resist-- Hey, there's a gold mine for you right there. So, I look forward to continuing the conversation. Please join us.
[00:20:49] Aaron: And so if you want to take Alexander's tip there, you can go to Episode 132 that we just released on accountability and get more insight into that.
[00:20:57] Much gratitude for you all for joining us on the Complete Conversation side of this episode on self-judgment.
[00:21:06] Alexander: Welcome. Welcome, everyone.
[00:21:08] Aaron: And we kind of ended that first part talking about how does this affect us. I wanted to just touch upon certain situations or certain environments that this can affect us as we grow and as we're in adulthood. We do have to go to work, we have work environments. How can self-judgment affect us? Or what would it look like in the workplace?
[00:21:30] Alexander: Well, many times in the workplace, anger is part of what is generating the self-judgment in this. And it can be a fact of a supervisor or boss coming in and getting on someone and maybe they're trying to inspire them or stimulate them, but part of the toxic masculine energy is to tear people down. And so they're given judgment to try to inspire, but for a person that grew up with judgmental parents that were verbally judgmental, it can send them into a spiral of self-judgment and not being good enough and questioning themselves. And that's just a very slow deterioration.
[00:22:13] So see, that's why everybody's management style doesn't fit everyone. And even in sports, there's certain coaches that just yell and grab and punch and push their players to like try to inspire them. Then there's other coaches that are super calm and and cool and don't ever raise their voice. And see, not that one is better than the other, but it helps when the athlete knows which one that they resonate better with. And we can take that sports analogy and put it in workplaces, intimate relationships, because this comes back to our three questions in the J.U.S.T. Philosophy of, Who are you? What are you passionate about? and How do you exemplify that passion? And when a person knows that about themselves, they know how to optimally fit into an environment. If they don't know themselves, then see, they hardly ever feel like they fit in a certain environment. Therefore, the self-judgment is the perpetuation just as it was possibly in their childhood.
[00:23:18] Aaron: I don't think we've talked about the three questions in quite a few episodes, so it's good to hear those make a return. Now what about relationships? How does self-judgment manifest and create issues within a relationship? I have a lot of experience with this, but first, I'll let you go.
[00:23:33] Alexander: Yeah, I mean, right off the bat it makes me shake my head and carry so much compassion for people, because many times what a partner is projecting that they want the other person to improve is things that they want to improve in themselves. And so, that judgment is almost like, "Well, I'm going to judge them for it and see if they will get the energy, so-called, moving in that direction. And that'll probably make me more likely to want to do it as well". And so that's a very key phrase, a general phrase that's used often is, you know, when somebody judges or ridicules you to just accept right off the bat that it's not really about you. If they're judging and ridiculing you and they wanted to help, they would probably come at a different angle in a different style.
[00:24:25] So see, again, this is going to be more challenging for the person that grew up in that as being their environment because it can almost feel like comfortable on one level, but they don't understand how it perpetuates their constant spinning in this downward spiral. So you know, two people that are going to have an optimal relationship is two people that really feel good about themselves and they're not looking for the other person to fulfill them in the relationship. They're looking to share their fulfillment with the other person and that other person's looking to share their fulfillment with their partner. And unfortunately in our culture, it's been associated mostly with that we're looking for somebody to complete us. We're looking for somebody to, to give us something that we don't have ourselves. And that creates so much unhappiness in marriages, in relationships. And the self-judgment is a big part of that. Because again, self-judgment creates projection a lot of the time.
[00:25:31] Aaron: So, my experiences in the last couple years in relationships and working within this philosophy, and the term pressure, they kind of go hand in hand. And this is where I've learned about how-- and I think it's might even be like, a generator thing. Like, generators don't like pressure and so one of the things is to be mindful of whenever you feel pressure, it's a sign that you need to shift something. [Mm-hmm.] I don't know. Is it a generator thing?
[00:25:55] Alexander: Yes. Yes. That is a fact of the generator of the Human Design.
[00:25:58] Aaron: Okay. Yeah. So sometimes things would be said that would seem like the person talking to me was judging me on some level, but really it had to do with the misalignment with how I want to be seen and how they see me.
[00:26:16] Alexander: Right.
[00:26:16] Aaron: And so, I would then feel some sort of pressure to feel a certain way, to change, to run away, to justify. Actually, maybe I want to take a quick step away from this because this is another question I've had, and it may not deal exactly with self-judgment, but what would be the difference between justifying and explaining? Because if somebody like accuses you of something and you feel like they don't know all the information here, so if I just explain what I was going through, maybe it would take away some of the pressure from the situation and maybe they could be like, "Oh, okay, now I understand!"
[00:26:52] Alexander: Mm-hmm. Okay. So that's a great, great-- and I don't think we've touched on this in any of the episodes because there is a fine line between justifying and explaining. And how you know that for yourself is by how bad that you need for the other person to hear it. The worse that you need them to hear it probably it's more in alignment with wanting to justify it. See, when you're clear once again in Who you are, What you're passionate about, and How you exemplify those passions, then if somebody misconstrues you, you're patient with it. And you said you might reply in some way to say, "Well, I feel like we have gotten off course and we are seeing things from different perspectives right now, and that's okay for now. But if you are ever interested in allowing me to explain what I really intend or the way that I really see it, I would love the opportunity to do that. But I don't want it to come across as justifying, so I don't have to do it right now".
[00:27:54] There's a comfort in explaining that there's no rush of time. When the rush of time comes in, then I suggest one look at, "No, I may be looking to justify here." And see, it can be both. You can be in that moment wanting to justify, but then after you get out of that situation, you're able to see it more clearly. And then you go, "If I could talk to them now, I could really explain". And so see, to realize that that urgency to explain right there in that moment brings in emotion, which clouds clarity. And that's why it dances in the realm of justifications.
[00:28:29] I like to suggest to everybody that if you're the one that was wanting to explain and you need to, and you're raising your voice, your temperature's, raising all that, then no, you're probably looking to justify yourself. And it comes across much, much more powerful when you allow that person that view, you accept and you acknowledge, "Hey, I think we've just got different views here, and if you ever want to know my view, I would love the opportunity to explain, but now is maybe not the right time", because I want you to feel acknowledged. I want your feelings to be acknowledged.
[00:29:02] Once again, the person that knows themselves can relax in that a little bit more. But see, many times these people will bring up things that we are really questioning within ourselves. And that's where the justification energy comes up is you wanna say, "No, no, that's not it!" See, you need to be able to like, at least glance at that and go, "Well, is that it? Am I feeling defensive here?" Like I said, if your heart rate's up, if your temperature's up, if your chest is poked out, then more than likely that's the case. So again, don't go into self-judgment, just assess that, field that urge to correct, and then-- with me, the general philosophy is that when you are in your emotions, you're not conscious. So as soon as you catch yourself in those emotions, just comfortably communicate, "I would love to explain myself some time, but right now is not the time because we seem to be getting emotional."
[00:29:57] Aaron: Yeah. I think for me, usually it is something is said that I know I've been working on, but [mm-hmm] it's like something pointing out I'm who I used to be and that rubs me the wrong way and so [Sure] it is a justification to your definition that I do feel like that defense comes in where I have to defend myself and who I am right now--
[00:30:19] Alexander: Yes. And you know, this is very similar to having a scab and picking it. It's not going to get well if you keep picking it. So the scab is the wound, and then when somebody brings that judgment to you, it's like they're picking it. And so, the way to help that sore, so to say, is to remove yourself from the picking which may mean, "We need to talk about this on another day because either you or I, or both of us are emotional right now".
[00:30:48] So again, this is an understanding that you develop with people that you care about. That's just a suggestion of, "Hey, if either one of us or both of us get emotional, can we agree that that's not the right time to try to find a solution? But can we set a time and a day to come back to this and both of us go do our processing and then come back later on and communicate about it?"
[00:31:13] Aaron: So, all of this was to take a little detour from the whole point of pressure, and sometimes these conversations put pressure on myself. I don't know if you had anything else to add to relationships around self-judgment. That was a good example of how self-judgment plays a role in an argument or just even a conversation that can be had and then a justification comes in.
[00:31:37] Alexander: Yes. Because here I want to bring in that somebody with the best of intentions can create a trauma in somebody that they love's, life. Like, if somebody is in a danger zone of getting diabetes and the understanding is if I just exercised more, walked more, then this wouldn't be a danger. Yes, maybe I could cut back on some sweets and things like that in my diet, but the main thing is maybe exercise. And that person tells their friend, "Hey, I really don't want to go on insulin. I really do, in my soul, I want to exercise and I want to be healthier and that type of thing. Then, their friend could take that as, "Well, okay. Well, I'm going to help them then. Every time I see them I'm going to ask 'em how much they're walking," and that kind of thing. And so see, it's good intentions and we have a saying in this philosophy, Good intentions are the death of a wise one, because the intention isn't enough. You need to know how, or have an idea of how your intention is going to be received or whether it can be received. So if this person that's meaning something beautiful and good to their friend, and every time they come and see them, they ask them, "How much are you walking?" And that person has to say, "Well, I'm not really walking yet". See, over time that good intention becomes a berating. But it's not their friend's fault, because they're trying to support what they told them was important to them. But see, it's their judgment on themselves that they already know that they should be walking.
[00:33:09] So now when their friend asks them, they normally project and get mad at the friend, and then they'll tell another friend that "She just won't quit. She just won't quit asking me about that". But those types of so-called agreements that are never discussed happen all the time in social circles. And normally it is connected to a good intention of somebody, but it's the self judgment, it's the self-loathing, that once that scab is poked, there's a reaction that happens.
[00:33:39] So, our self judgments are basically like our wounds, our scabs that we're carrying around, and then people we care about or strangers can inflict a soreness on that scab and we react. So, the key to that is, of course, the more you clean up your self-judgment, then the less power that other people have, or other situations out there that you come in contact with, have over you. This is building towards standing in your power and the outside world is just there to show us what we need to work on.
[00:34:12] Aaron: So, it seems like our self-judgment is kind of rooted in our inability to take action, or have discipline, or get started just redirecting our energy to take action and correct something that we feel like we need to change, right?
[00:34:26] Alexander: Yes. And this is the issue with the mental state. See, we are in the information age. Now, anybody can know anything, but to not know what to do with that knowing is the new hell on Earth, so to say. So, see if you just have it conceptually, but you haven't worked through it spiritually or religiously yet, energetically you haven't really connected with it, and emotionally you're not connected, and physically you're not connected, then this is what we just call a concept. And a concept that is seen clearly to help one improve that they don't move on, becomes a mental torture.
[00:35:09] So, this is why I just talk about the Five Levels over, and over, and over, because it's so important that they're communicating and they're on the same page, or this is what creates these discontentments that most of our culture are experiencing is because these Five Levels aren't on the same wavelength.
[00:35:28] Aaron: Okay. I would love for you to take an example and walk through if somebody is trapped in that mental, but let me offer an example to you and then we can do that. Also, I'll tie in the pressure with that.
[00:35:41] So, I am good at under pressure at getting work done and I've known that all my life. I've procrastinated at school. And I'm not somebody who would do it like the night before, well I guess on some occasions I would, but mostly like two or three nights before. Like, I would start thinking about a paper I had to write when I had two or three weeks. And so that has carried into my professional life where when I have a list of projects to do, I will procrastinate on the one that's not due right away, or instead, I will focus on the ones that are due before that. So for example, if I have a job that's due in three or four weeks, but I have a couple, three, or four jobs due in the next couple days, I will focus on those first before putting any time into the job that's due in three or four weeks. But the thing is then more little jobs can come in and more little jobs can come in. [Mm-hmm.] And then, So I just keep cleaning those up and cleaning those up. And so sometimes I never get to put work into the larger job until it's absolutely necessary that I do it. I'm good at gauging when that is, so maybe two weeks out I'm like, "Okay, well I have two weeks of work I have to do," so now I'm serious. [Mm-hmm.]
[00:36:56] And so in a way there's a positive, you can see a positive in that, where I work good under pressure, so I still get the job done and I get it done well, and I'm very good at what I do. But at the same time, I don't personally like to always be under the gun because there is that pressure that comes into my chest. I don't feel grounded when I'm in that. I feel like [Mm-hmm.] there's so many things going on and I can't just focus. And until I absolutely sit myself down and be like, "You have to focus on this one thing," and then I can do it. I'd rather help myself, train myself, to do stuff gradually [Mm-hmm.] so I'm never not grounded while I'm working [Right.] and never knocks me off center. And so if I want to work on that sort of thing, and I've been struggling with it mentally. I want to be better at this, but I just don't know how to do it, or I'm not ready to take that stand because I haven't tried yet. How do I get out of that mental, if we can use this as an example.
[00:37:58] Alexander: Okay. Okay, so let's go down this road in this direction. That, let's just say, hypothetically, that you have three jobs that are due over the next couple of days and you have one job that's due in a month. And you get up one day and go, "Okay, I'm going to work today and tomorrow on these that are due in the next couple of days, and I'm not even going to think about that one that's due in a month". And then you work on those and you meet those deadlines fairly comfortably because you've been working on it, and then somebody sends in some other work and says, 'Hey, I've got these other just small jobs, but they need to be done in the next few days. You can make this extra money," and blah, blah, blah.
[00:38:37] Well, here's where I want to suggest to make the change. Because something else was already on your plate, you go, "I would really like to help out with those little jobs, but there's almost always going to be little jobs around". So I took care of these three small ones, and now I'm going to take care of this one that's due in a month before I take on any other jobs. Because what happens is when you get into that two weeks, you will say no to other jobs because I'm at the for real deadline now. So, see, we're just moving forward that timeline to just say no to the jobs that's being offered until you get this one that's due in a month. And you might finish it and there's three weeks before it's due, but now you can take on all the little jobs that you want to after that. And the main thing is the stress level through all of this. And paying attention to what one values more. In our culture, and certainly I know this isn't necessarily the case with you, but with a lot of people, it is the opportunity to make money. And people will stay in constant stress, like afraid that the money's going to run out if I don't get it right now. And they will perpetuate that and that will turn into weeks, to months, to years of just living in that way rather than trusting, "Hey, let me take care of my agreements before taking on anything else", even if it is more financially fulfilling, it's going to be more energetically costly.
[00:40:11] So, this is why, looking at all five of these levels-- and you know, after I went through my healing traumas that I went through, I just realized that my energetic field is my most precious commodity over money or anything else like that. So it helps to regulate that when you really lock-in to how important our subtle energy field is in that stress drains that energy field. Then you start looking at opportunities to make money or to succeed in different ways of looking at the cost of this.
[00:40:45] And so that's just a first suggestion that came up. When we get into the habit of taking care of our agreements before taking on other agreements, that keeps a person in a steady, constant flow of peace and still meeting their requirements, they're not knocked off course by something shiny over here that's being offered. They just simply go, "Well, no, I'm going to go ahead and take care of these agreements and this job might be turned in three weeks early, and then I've got plenty of time to take on other jobs that gets offered". But how does that resonate with you?
[00:41:17] Aaron: Well, I bring this up because like a lot of people would say, "This is just who I am. This is just how I am". I feel like I've been trained this way at some point in my life and it also is not just how I am at work, but it's how I am in my life. Like just one thing that came up for me was when I went to visit my family in January, I went through a toll and now they just scan your license plate and send it to you. So I got a bill in the mail for $2 and, I just put it on the counter where I would see it every day, but every day I'd pass by it and I'm like, "Okay, I'll get to that. I'll get to that, I'll get to that". I never put like a date on when I'm going to actually get to it. And then I just got another one in the mail. They gave me a $5 fee because I never paid it, so now I'm paying $7 instead $2.
[00:42:03] Now, of course, I'm just like, "Okay, well that's. the cost of waiting". And so now I will go pay it because I don't want it to turn into $12. And so my fingers got slapped and that got my attention. But how can I start to train myself throughout my whole life, no matter what area of my life? Because you brought in the, "maybe you're just not accepting it on all Five Levels yet. It's not getting through," and I do feel like that is where I am because I just haven't made it a priority. So there's some levels that I'm just not like, "Okay, I need to do this," and so I don't know what levels those are. Maybe like, the Spiritual Level that keeps coming into my mind? So how do I clear, or how do we know spiritually when we're ready?
[00:42:48] Alexander: Good question. And so we're going to dissect this and then kind of back up through it. So with this situation of, we'll just call it, procrastinating and this was a something in the mail, a toll ticket. The very first thing that makes a person feel good that is in judgment is action. A different action. So like with this, my very first suggestion would be to make a promise to yourself over the next month or three weeks minimum, to shift a pattern. Normally it's three weeks to shift a pattern and then three months to create a new lifestyle.
[00:43:24] So, make an agreement with yourself using discipline here, to say, "For the next month, I'm going to get my mail and I'm going to pay the bill the same day that I get it and it goes back in the mailbox afterward. Then that just becomes like a new discipline and a new training that bills do not sit on my counter now. As soon as they come in every evening at five o'clock or whatever, I'm going to sit down, I'm going to go get my mail and I'm going to put out, send out whatever bills come in. That way I'll never, ever be guaranteed to get a late charge again. And see that's going against what you normally do. But that's the action, if you want different results, you have to do different actions. And so finding an easy solution, to me that is an easy solution, is not asking you to do anything that you don't wind up doing. It's just in a different timeframe.
[00:44:19] So, say that you agree with that and then tomorrow you go get your mail and you come back, you see if there's any bills, there's one there, and you sit down and you pay that and you go and you put it in the mailbox for the next morning, and it's to go out. And every morning you get in a pattern to taking mail out to the mailbox. Then when you're walking to that, you feel good about how this is no longer on my plate. This is clearing my plate of pressures that I have. And even in that thought, that's going to elicit a change in your energetic field. It's going to elicit a different emotional type of feeling, and it's going to elicit a good feeling in general about yourself.
[00:45:03] So, in that Spiritual Level, that's going to feel like you're in the flow of life because you're not challenging life in any way. And many of people's issues in life are just a timing thing of when they are doing it. They wind up doing it and they do it the same way whether you do it yeah, a week early, three weeks early, or when it comes down to the minute. The only thing that's changing here is what we're putting our bodies, our energy, our emotions through. And so, this is the importance of those little disciplines or little promises with yourself, and then the discipline part is, you just work to not allow that one day to be skipped. Because as soon as you skip a day, it makes the second day easier to skip. And then that's what leads people back to those patterns.
[00:45:57] So again, here, if someone's questioning whether they can do that, they could ask a friend or possibly their wife or husband, housemate, or whatever to just go, "Hey, would you mind for a few weeks every morning asking me if I sent out the bills?" And again, if they do and you didn't and you feel that need to project, you have to not do that. I mean, this is part of asking people to hold accountable. Just like most people won't talk back to their boss when they get corrected. But see, they can't bring that same mentality many times into their personal life, but it's the same scenario. It's a respect thing. I've asked for help, and if you're helping me and I feel judged by you, then it's my responsibility to not project that onto you and to the next day, make sure that I get the mail out and that I get the bills paid.
[00:46:50] So, the person that's always looking to grow, see, is looking for the patterns, not only that are negative in their life, but the patterns that have worked for them. Because those patterns are all going to be detrimental at some particular point. And that's the point of bringing this back simply to say that change is the only thing that we can count on and that is guaranteed in this experience. And so we need to embrace change, lean into the friction, create a physical movement that is different to get out of your self-judgment right away as soon as the thought comes in your mind. And then create structure and discipline and then accountability, if needed. And repeat that, and now you are creating a brand new pattern.
[00:47:38] Aaron: Yeah, that was a good explanation on how to fix that certain issue. And you did at the end, kind of get into talking about it in more of a general sense. Can you summarize for us, because we did say that we were going to make it clear on how to break patterns, because that's really what self-judgment is. It's a loop that you just can't get out of. So can you put it in more of like a step-by-step form, in general, so anybody can take this and apply it to whatever they're struggling with.
[00:48:05] Alexander: Okay. So let's see if we can do that. So any pattern, it can be a habit, like drinking maybe, and someone wants to quit drinking. Now there is a part that, you know, you can create a physical dependence on the alcohol, which is really like a sugar. And so you can see that you've created this need in the body, so that just means that it's going to take a longer amount of time to do something consistently to change that at a chemical level, so to say. And the physical body is the one that takes the longest time duration in change. It's the most dense.
[00:48:43] So, this person sees that the first thing to do when you want to change a pattern is suggested to change the environment. So if you wanna stop drinking, then you stop going for a period of time to places that are serving alcohol. And that doesn't mean that you have to give up all your fun, because there's a lot of availability to go to parks, to just do many different things to get more active than just going like, either to a nightclub or going to a bar and sitting around and drinking alcohol. The structure is that every time that you want a drink, you have something that you go do physically to take your mind off of that drink. So, with me, what I used a lot was music, and writing music, and writing poetry. And so anytime I was trying to break a pattern of mine, then that would be the incentive for, "Okay, let's go be creative and create something that doesn't exist". And that takes so much focus that it will take my mind off of whatever I was being pulled to go do that was an old pattern.
[00:49:47] So, you set up a different environment and then part of the structure is what you do when the urge comes up. That could be reaching out to somebody. To talk to somebody that you know that's struggled with something similar. Because again, to be able to relate is a big part of changing. But the main thing is that you go and you do something physically different, and that changes the energetic field. It changes the emotional field, and it even shifts the Spiritual Level because now rather than being in doubt and judgment, you're in excitement and enjoyability. So, that doesn't have to be writing music. For some people it could be working on cars or it could be writing a novel. It's important to have something that you thrive on or really enjoy doing, to go do in those times of challenge. And then the more that you do this pattern in a repetitive way, the less that [A]- in this situation, the more days that goes by, the less the body needs that alcohol or that sugar and you have foods to fight cravings with alcohol. Many times I'll suggest, with clients, to use kombucha because it has just a small amount of alcohol. It has a similar fizz. So, there's a tactile part.
[00:51:02] And then there's a mental part that when you change that action, the mental part relaxes, which eases the judge, which relaxes the emotional part. When you relax the emotional part, it eases and relaxes the energetic field, which then makes it easier for the physical body to function optimally. So, that's the way that these changes, through structure, discipline, and accountability can, over a long period of time, bring consistent changes that are more likely to keep people from slipping back into the old pattern.
[00:51:40] Aaron: Yeah. And you're doing all this while being grounded, while being conscious. You know that it's for your ultimate good and for your path to your Authentic Self. So, you're taking all these actions, you're creating this structure and discipline so that when whatever the issue is comes up again and you get emotional, you already have this plan in place to look back on because that's when you were in a place to know what was best for you. So then it comes to the discipline of actually pointing back to that and be like, "Nope, I need to do that. I made a commitment to myself".
[00:52:12] Alexander: Yes, because here's what happens. Many times when people elicit a change, they'll verbally want to talk about it. Because in that moment they're pumped up, they're feeling good about it. But see, due to this being the law of polarity, as soon as you get pumped up about it, it's advised to go ahead and prepare that there's going to be days where you're not pumped up about it. There's going to be days when you're challenged with it. And like I said, using the alcohol for the example, there's going to be days where it's just a hard day and the thought on that person's mind is just to take a drink.
[00:52:44] So yes, they need somebody or something to go to, to remind them of, "Hey, no, this is more important over here," your health, you know, your relationships, this art, whatever you've chosen to be that. And that's very important to accept that that challenge is going to be there. So, when the days are easy, you fully enjoy those so-called easy days, and you're, pumped up, you've got a lot of energy and it's not so challenging. And yes, you're setting up the structure and the discipline, even continuing it on those days, so that when it does become hard you're trained in what to do with it. So that's why many people fail, because they only think about practicing something when the challenge is there and they're not prepared for the challenge. So, this is the point of repetition and why people that really want to get good at something, they do it every day and they find a way to practice it every day so that when that so-called challenge comes up, "No, I'm prepared for this because I've even been working on it on good days".
[00:53:48] Aaron: And if you do end up failing, what's the most important part? Is it like, getting back up and into your structure and then maybe you see how many days you made it, and then the next time you challenge yourself to make it a few more days than what you did.
[00:54:02] Alexander: Well, maybe that challenging might work for some people. For me, it's a little bit more simple. It's just that, I have a saying of No Mas. From this point on, No more. And that phrase comes up anytime I want to say I would've, I should've, or I could've. Because that's the phrase that self-judgment gets stuck in. Either I would've something, I could've something or I should've something. And so every time that that thought even pops into my mind, I have trained myself, over time, to just know the correction is "No from this point moving forward". So I don't care about this failure anymore, it just reminded me to stay on point.
[00:54:43] And if I'm going to utilize this failure through assessment rather than judgment, I merely say, "Where did I fail? What was it?" And maybe it was that I wound up in a bar because I was walking down the street with a friend, I saw a bar coming on my side of the street, and I didn't cross over the street to avoid that bar because I was afraid of how my friend would judge me. So, then when we got in front of the bar we stopped, we started talking, and then he said, "let's go in and get a beer". And see that invitation would've never been there if we would've crossed the street, we would've never been in front of the bar and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:55:21] So, we're all human and we're all going to make mistakes. Learn from your mistake, assess it one time, and then say no more moving forward, make the adjustment, and keep plugging. And then accept that you're probably going to fail again. I like to go ahead and say accept you're going to fail a hundred times, just don't ever falter. And falter means that you allow the failure to continue to beat you down. So no, recognize the failure. See what you can adjust to not be put in that position again. Then tell yourself no more, moving forward, I'm implementing this information I just got and I'm moving forward. And so, failure again, from the J.U.S.T. Philosophy's definition, is an opportunity to grow. Failure is nothing negative as long as you learn from it, you assess it, you don't judge it, and you move forward.
[00:56:14] Aaron: And at the end of the free part, I mentioned finding something for the people that just cannot seem to motivate themselves to even start this process. And they're stuck in this cycle of self-judgment and they just don't know how to get motivated to make a change. Or maybe they just haven't met that point where they do say, "No Mas," I use that as well. You know, you like stop, put your foot down and you're like, "Absolutely not. I'm done!" and there are some people who just don't have that. Or maybe they haven't found it in themselves, that oomph and just take control of their lives and be like, "Absolutely not. No more. I'm not going through this cycle anymore. I don't want to experience this anymore".
[00:56:55] Alexander: Yes. So, first of all, we're going to bring up, in the Human Design, the people that are classified as projectors and reflectors. And they're very vulnerable to this because they don't have the motor in them that's called the second chakra, or the sacral center in the Human. Design, and the motor is what gives people the impetus for change to do things themselves. So, whether you know your design or not, the important thing is that if you're having an obstacle with creating a change, then some people are designed to change through groups or with other people. And so, you need to put yourself in an environment that exhibits what you want to learn. And this is where you get into the useful side of transference and absorbing energy is that if you put yourself like with someone that wants to work out or change their physical health, but they just can't seem to do it on their own. Then the fact of joining a gym, or joining a yoga studio or something like that, that costs money up front. Because many people will do things that cost them money. The payment is part of the accountability. And many times people will fail with that too. But, once you get into the environment, then look for a person that you are going to resonate with that you want to create even more of a relationship with. So, then you have the environment of the studio and then you're making connections with the other person to give even more personal interest and that's going to be more likely for you to be excited about getting up every day and going to work out, is that you're going to be around these group of people and then maybe you find there's one or two people that you really resonate with, and so you start looking forward to seeing them.
[00:58:40] So, see that's something outside of what you're looking to gain. But, that shouldn't be judged by a person. All you people that are listening that don't have the incentive to initiate change, it's not necessarily your fault. But, it is your responsibility to put yourself in the right or proper environments to help stimulate that change. And that's where your responsibility is. And most of them will see that if you just put yourself in the environment, everything else takes care of itself. And that's very, very important for anyone that just has been beating themselves up because they can't change or they can't seem to create new patterns. Now's the time that there's so many groups, there's so many people out there trying to develop things like this. There's many different groups that have created different patterns, different things to do, and that is very useful for some people. Some people can create the structure and the discipline themselves, but those that need accountability, many times, can utilize groups and things that are already established like that.
[00:59:42] Aaron: And then wrapping up this episode, what is something that people can get started doing if they listen to this and they're ready to start taking action?
[00:59:53] Alexander: One thing that I would like to just ask general people to do is that every day do something that you don't want to do, but change your perception of it while you're doing it. Say, somebody doesn't like carrying out the cat litter and they just resisted and every time they have to do it, it just really bothers them. But, they do it because they have cats and that kind of thing. Well, when you recognize you resist something and you can do it through gratitude-- of being grateful that you can do it, grateful that you still have a cat that you need to do it for because if that cat died, then you wouldn't need to clean out the litter box. Thankful that your health is good enough that, physically, you're able to. And see this isn't just being toxically positive. This is actual, true gratitude stuff.
[01:00:46] There's many so-called things, everyday chores, that people have to do that they resist it so much and they do it anyway. But see, they don't realize how much they're draining their energetic field and charging their emotional field and their mental field, and all these different levels than just the physical. And so if you change your perception and change your attitude, then your experience will be different. And that can be addictive because if you just change your perception of what you're doing and you don't change anything in your day, at the end of the day, I don't make very many guarantees, but if you did that successfully, you won't be near as tired as you were in your typical days and you haven't changed anything except your perspective.
[01:01:33] So, that's going to be my invitation is find something that you resist doing and do it with a different attitude and see if the experience isn't different afterwards.
[01:01:42] Aaron: Well said. Well said. I like that one. And that will do it for this episode on self-judgment. We appreciate all of your love and support and energy in growing this podcast community and hope you enjoy and see you on the next one.
[01:01:57] Alexander: Thank you for your interest and support. Much love.